I'm new... and afraid

[bird80]

Hello, I am just newly out of an emotionally abusive relationship... very newly out, in fact, I ended it yesterday. I was with him for over a year, I loved him so much and I thought he loved me. He seemd so perfect and so in love with me, it was flattering- that he wanted me all the time and texted/called me to let me know he missed me and he loves me. It went very fast... within five months we were living together. But there was quite a dark side to him, he is a heroin addict and an abuser. An ex girlfriend of his even emailed a "letter of warning" when we first started dating. Pretty soon, he was not working and I was supporting him, 100%. He would have these rages, where he would scream at me if the "dishes were not clean enough" or if i "did not fold the boxes properly in the trash." If he had a bad day, it was my fault, I got screamed at and cursed at and blamed. In fact, he blamed everyone for everything. It was his professor's fault if he was doing badly in class (not the fact that he never handed in his assignments on time). He spend what little money he did have from UC on booze and drugs. If he came home in a drunken rager, the next day- I would tell him the nasty stuff he would say and he would call me a liar. But still, I loved him. I gave and gave and now, I have nothing. I have to face him tomorrow, at our apartment, it will be tough. I know I will be sad going into our place. He has texted me everything from "I love you, you are my angel" to "You have destroyed me and I am angry at you." But the sad thing is, I feel guilty and I feel like a monster for hurting him. I cry and cry, but I have cried for months. He is a manipulator. My friend told me today that he does not know how to love and his version of love is not healthy... all very true. I was afraid of him, he often got into verbal arguments with strangers and felt like he was invincible. Now, I have to pick up the pieces... I feel so broken down and worn out. I was getting physically sick from the stress... never knowing what kind of mood he would be in or what I had done wrong that day to upset him. I am worried I will weaken tomorrow when I talk to him, but I need to sort out the details about moving out and all that. My life is/was a nightmare.
Thank you for listening!

[IleneW]

Welcome, bird!!!

First off ----- you're not alone!

So glad you found us.

Listen ----- will you be safe, seeing him tomorrow?
Could you go with someone? a friend?

Since you've touched base here, before hand, would you be so kind as to get on-line tomorrow when you're done seeing him.

Your life is precious. You can't have a healthy love connection with someone who's obviously so profoundly damaged and dysfunctional as the person you describe. Please try and keep moving away, even if it's one day at a time.

By the way, this site has been quiet, the last couple weeks, perhaps because of the holidays. But we're a great community, here.

Please check in, again, after you see him. Okay?

Ilene

[bird80]

Ok, so I saw him today to arrange the details... good news, I stayed strong. He tried to apologize, remind me of all of the good times, and cry, and of course, say that I was a bad person b/c I broke up with him on New Years Eve (which I admit, wasn't the best thing). He tried and tired to wear me down, even playing the songs of one of the bands we once saw. I said no. I told him we were over. He is moving out asap. I will also move, to a better neighborhood... one of things I gave up for him was my nice apartment in center city to live in a shady neighborhood in a bad part of the city. I have my life back... I have my family back (my family never liked him, so it was always stressful to leave him for a weekend to visit them). Of course, I cried and I felt bad. We did have some nice times, but there were plenty of bad ones. I guess I'm learning that I made the right choice... love should not hurt. Love should not isolate you from family and friends. Love should not make you feel afraid or guilty. Love should not evoke self doubt or self blame.
It's time for me to be me again... to go on the healing journey, as hard as that may be. I am 29 year old woman, with a good education and a decent job... I am a good person and I will never again let someone make me believe that I am not. I want to be "normal" again. I want to feel free. And most importantly, I want to allow myself to be happy.

[loveslife]

Wow, you are really one strong woman! I loved what you said.

I could comment on so much of what you said but I'll just say - nail hit on the head!

The loving him, the guilt, the memories of good times - all are ways to keep you under his control. No matter how much we hurt we think of them without our love and protection. We think of what they could be, maybe in just a little more time. Or maybe they've become that now because of our love somehow.

It's okay to feel love for someone but not stay with them. It's okay to give up what felt good in the relationship and in the connection. That bond is a part of their control. And I believe, for them, it's hollow.

Good for you for knowing better. And remember it's okay to feel bad about all of this but it's also okay to feel good about what you've done!

[bird80]

Thank you very much! I do feel strong. Tonight, he bombarded my phone with text messages about how lonely he is and how awful he feels, how hard he is crying, and falling apart etc. And how his dad won't let him take the cat when he moves out of our apartment and back with his father. None of this is my fault. And while I was tearful, I was able to reply to him to 1) not to worry, he will find a place for his cat and 2) we need to go on and start the healing process and just stop talking for tonight. I should probably ignore him. The guilt comes back... then I start the thought: because I broke up with him, now he is going to loose everything, even his beloved cat. But I can't. I just can't. And I did, in fact, love his cat. But I am sure he can find a friend or other family member to hang onto it until he finds a place of his own. I guess he is still manipulating me. I agree, I do think those bonds are hollow for them. I think they are like puppeteers. I really have to focus on the mindset that he is trying to manipulate me for selfish reasons (a free place to live and eat and do drugs). Nights are the hardest, it's when the pain is the most real. And you're right, I do think that maybe, just maybe for a second, he is the man I wanted him to be. But I know that it is wrong. I will have to see him and contact him while he gets his things out of the apartment. I will remain brave. I did it today!

[IleneW]

AWESOME


Bird ----- Keep on moving.

I love cats and I hope the cat will be okay.

But your life hangs in the balance, and in my opinion, is the priority.

So glad you found the strength to take this step.

By the way ----- there's no easy time to end a relationship and frankly ------ I think New Year's may be a particularly surgical moment, to make a break. In any case, when ever you manage to do it is the best time.

Please be careful going forward. Sometimes a frustrated ex might consider doing things they haven't ever done before. Not all do, but we must all be prepared for the unexpected in time that are particularly stressful.

Keep us in the loop. We're here for you.

Ilene

[loveslife]

You are doing so amazing!

Keep in mind that all of this is supposed to be difficult, it's supposed to hurt. But none of that means you're supposed to cave and be with him. I was greatly helped when I realized that it's okay to have feelings for someone, to have some nice memories, and still not be with them.

When you think of one of the good times or think of how you're going through a patch of feeling blue or lonely, remind yourself of something horribly painful he inflicted on you. Think of something twisted, think of one of his lies or manipulations.

Quite frankly, I do believe we are their marionettes and kind of inanimate and replaceable to them. I think something in us knows this and that causes us to hang on tight (and "behave") when we're too broken inside to love ourselves.

He will say and do what he can to get you back because it's easier than finding someone else. It is also an ego boost to him to prove that he owns you.

Ugh. Okay, good for you for doing this. Keep us posted!

[bird80]

I was feeling great last night! I was feeling strong and happy, once again. My parents said I look 100% better than I have in several months. Today, I told him that I am going back to the apartment tonight and that I would like him not to be there. He said ok, but he "has no money and no place to go." Why is this my problem? I mean, he wants to stay with me?!?! He told me yesterday that he will go back to his father's house. UGH! I know it gets complicated when couples who live together break up, but he is really dragging it out. Why do I feel so bad that he has no place to go? I shouldn't care, right? I should just throw him on the street, but I cannot. I know that I do NOT want him back, definitely. Having him there would delay the healing. It would hurt me. My family would be so angry at me. How can I handle this situation? Any ideas? The lease is up in 2 months or so, but that is a long time. Maybe a couple of weeks... maybe... but I should not have this stress and tears. It's like his parents do not even want him (and yes, he did have quite a rocky childhood and a bad past). Thanks all!!!!! I need strength!
PS- I found that keeping a journal is really helpful.

[loveslife]

Do NOT live in that home with him again. Let him go to his father's house. He'll have a roof over his head, right. You're not kicking him out into the street.

[bird80]

Exactly! More manipulation to wear me down. I am back at the old place... I am sleeping on the couch, because it is too painful to sleep in the bed, but that's okay. I am not weak because of it. He sent me a text saying that he was at his brother's house and he would stay there tonight, unless I wanted him "to come home." This is not a home anymore, home is where love is and there is no healthy love here. I put my nice blanket on the couch and turned on one of my battery operated candles, trying to make it nice. Tomorrow is another day. He said we still have stuff to sort out. His mother is now calling me, telling me that I should take care of him and let him stay here and all that... trying to guilt me. She is just as bad! I have had enough! The anger, the screaming, the drugs, the danger, the put-downs, the constant criticisms! And you know, even through all of that... I still emerged the winner!