Anger at God

[Shen]

It is really sinking in, lately, that there's nothing wrong with me. There has never been anything wrong with me.

Oh, I've done things that were not pretty and perfect, but so often I was reacting to things beyond my control. I was a child long after my body grew to adulthood....

but recently, I have noticed that I don't feel like a child anymore. I am gaining a sense of who I really am, and with that I am falling out of self-blame.

And, oddly enough, that is what is making this feel so hopeless.

Some part of me has always believed that the things I heard as a child were true: that it was my fault; that if I could only be good enough, my father would love me as he does my siblings. I keep remembering my mother telling me that I could be "the apple of his eye" if I just did whatever it was she wanted me to do. My father would always put some condition on anything he offered me. When he held things back from me - things he freely gave my siblings - he was careful to tell me which of my imperfections was "forcing" him to punish me in this way.

If that had been true, then I could fix this. I could make it right by changing myself. Some part of me has always believed that. I put that false hope in a vice and turned the crank hard so I it wouldn't get away.

Now I know it isn't true. My father rejected me. I could come up with a lot of reasons why that might be - for instance, my father was gone for the first year of my life. There is a biological bonding that takes place during that first year, and I think we never bonded because he was not there. Another issue is that (as much as I do not like to admit it) of all his children, I am the most like him. As a parent, I know how hard it is to see your imperfections reflected in your children.

Regardless of the reason, there is nothing I can do that will ever change how he feels (or doesn't feel) about me.

When that first started to register, yesterday afternoon, I tried to fight it. My mind was racing and I went through every possible thing I knew that might help me 'fix' it. Then, sometime yesterday evening, this quiet hopeless sense washed all that away. The new sadness isn't raging and out-of-control. There's no panic or thoughts of hurrying to find relief. I feel calm, almost dead, inside, except for this bleak sense of hopelessness.

I went into therapy, three years ago, because of something my mother said. It was a small thing, but it was "the last straw". I wanted to do something to resolve the issues with my parents while they were still around. Somehow, I would find a way to get my parents to love me the way I have always needed them to. If I could just be good enough, surely I could turn this around.

I've learned a lot along the way, and have gained things I couldn't imagine back then, but all along that original goal has been in the back of my mind. Yesterday, I realized that nothing I can change about me is going to make this right. I can't change the past and I can't change my father. All this time, I've been pushing hard, rushing to get to a goal that is unnattainable.

And so we come to God. For a couple years I've been building a connection to God. Meditation and prayer had become an important part of my every day life. However, since I started remembering all the stuff about my sister, I've been afraid to sit still long enough to even think about meditation. I didn't want to look inside because I was aware of the hot, red pain that was waiting there.

Then, during my monday session with C, she used the word "rejection" when she spoke of my father. That word burned like acid.

After that, little snippets of my past have been flooding in, making themselves known against my will.

When I was sixteen, my father stopped buying my clothes and shoes. He told me to get a job, he wasn't paying for any of it anymore. Even when my coat was stolen at school, he said he would not buy me a new one. I went without a coat for the rest of that winter, until I saved enough money from the retail job I found, to get another. Of course, this never happened to my siblings. My parents continued to buy my brothers and sister shoes and clothes until they were well into their twenties...

The way his face softens when my sister is in the room... the way he says her name....

My father told me that he would not pay for car insurance for me, or allow me to drive his cars - but all three of my siblings were allowed to drive the cars and he paid for their insurance.

The way his face softens when my sister is in the room... the way he says her name....

My father would tell me to "go play" so he could be with my siblings.

My father told me that if I wanted to go to college, i would have to stay in his house and obey his rules, even though he paid for the other kids to go away to college - paid for their living expenses and books (and clothes and shoes and coats) - allthe way through school.

My father has walked into my kitchen, when my sister was there visiting, and said hello only to her.
The way his face softens when my sister is in the room... the way he says her name....

Through it all, I was convinced that it was my fault. It was something I had done or should have done that was bringing this on me.

On monday, the word rejection, started a chain reaction inside me. Yeserday, I finally made the choice to sit with it, to look inside and see what was real. The outcome was the realization that there is nothing I could have done that would have changed how my father felt about me. He did not love me. He does not love me - cannot, I suppose - and I can never change that.

It is. End of story.

People often give God credit for the good things that happen... so when something bad happens, how can they not blame God? Are we, on this earth, so evil and awful that we constantly bring out the bad faster than God can fix it? If God is everything, then isn't he just as much the abuse and the abuser as he is the peace and the savior?

I can't even say I'm confused at the moment. Maybe I am, but I don't feel that way. I feel a dead-calm, resolute sense that this is hopeless. As an infant, I was born with the need for my father's love. I was not only denied this love, but was then shown, over and over, exactly what it was I could never have.

The way his face softens when my sister is in the room... the way he says her name....

To make sense of this, someone told me that "lessons" like this are God's way of bringing us to him. If this is God's plan, it seems cruel - as cruel as anything my father has done.

[IleneW]

Shen -----

Your post is so very profound, I'm not going to attempt to respond to it in a worthy manner, at this moment.

I just wanted to let you know I read it and am digesting it, and to thank you for posting.

Please know you're in my thoughts.

Ilene

[Glad2bfree]

I second what Illene said. There are so many things I would like to say to you but not sure how to say it. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

My love to you.

[CreativeWoman]

Dear Shen,

Having been deeply moved by what you said, I would very much like to respond.

I wanted to ask you, first, if it's ok with you that I share my thoughts from the perspective of my own faith? I don't intend to push anything I believe at you, by any means, but rather more of a "this is the way I might be inclined to look at this..." way.

Is that alright with you? I feel that the thoughts I have to offer you might be very helpful to you.

It's heartbreaking to me to see how your father's treatment of you has hurt you so much throughout your whole life... And I am thrilled for you everytime you experience a breakthrough in your healing!

Please let me know what you think. There's a lot I'd love to share with you, and I think you would find comfort.

love,
CW

[Shen]

yes, please.... I am able to listen and interpret it to suit my needs. I would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you for clarifying that you know they are your thoughts and feelings. It gets hard when people say "think this," or "do it this way". It's much easier to hear what works for someone else and apply it as I can.

thank you,
I really appreciate it.
I feel quite lost today.

[IleneW]

Shen ----

This thread was very profound, as your threads often are.

Despite the title, a major component in what you talked about, was how you were parented and the relationships within your family.

There's a lot I can say about parenting and family relationships but I'm going to keep it short, as that's not really your focus, here. So ----- the first and primary relationship is the one we have with ourself. That relationship is founded on what we're taught to believe about ourself. And who teaches us that? Yes. Our parents.

A parent who's disturbed by seeing their own imperfections perpetuated in one or more of their children is a parent who hasn't done the fundamental work regarding their relationship with themself.

The other relationship about which you spoke is the one for which you titled your thread.

Speaking to this, is more complicated.

An individual's sprituality is, by definition, individual.

How we perceive, how we delineate, define, articulate a relationship with that beyond the tangible, is personal to the individual spirit.

I was raised in a religious community with a strong connection to the past. My great-grandfather was a rabbi, my mother's father extremely pious. I spent many afternoons growing up, in Hebrew school and many Saturday mornings at services.

In my very early twenties I had a crisis of faith. In the years that followed, my understanding of faith, spirituality and religion broadened far beyond what I'd been taught, all those years growing up. (I took my first degree, with a focus on philosophy.) In my forties, I was a major contributor to the religion page of a major metropolitatn newspaper. I did stories on dozens of different spiritual perspectives.

Through my thirties and forties, my focus was primarily on survival.

For me ----- I've worked out what I believe, what I hold to be the case, what gets me through my busy days and long winter nights. What I believe is not relevant to this board.

You're a very thoughtful person, Shen. You survived lots in your life and I have a feeling that you'll survive more, hopefully things not as trying as what you endured in the early years, but whatever it is you encounter, you'll find your way through. The resources, the tools, the things you've figured out in your life and the strategies and concepts and pathways that have given you support will see you through the dilemmas you're contemplating now and in the future.

One thing that's worked for me, is to take the position that there are few genuine emergencies. With that thought, if I feel there are loose ends still on the table today ----- well ----- that's okay. Maybe I'll get them tied up tomorrow.

That's how I get through these kinds of questions. Perhaps that approach may be of service to you. If not, I'm sure you'll find your way to and formulate your own.

Best to you. Much love. . . . .

[workinprogress]

i'm not so sure why it seems to matter so much to us to have the approval of our parents, but it does. & i have heard it said before, in the context of faith, that we can too easily mistaken our impression of our heavenly father, by the experience we had with our earthly father.
if our dad was harsh or indifferent, we tend to see God that way too. if he didn't seem to communicate that who we are really mattered, then, i must hardly be worth Gods time either.

when you said "i could make it right by changing myself" or "if i could just be good enough" , you were doing what so many of us do in order to ''earn' others respect or love. & worse yet, when we are denied their acceptance in return, well, we can mistakenly believe that we are not really worthy of their love, neither deserving of their time.

but every time we do that, & we sacrifice a small part of ourselves, we are also giving up a part of who we are, & we end up giving our power away to someone else to define us. & i imagine if we continue doing that long enough, then there's not very much left of us even to give.

in one post i saw someone said..."in most relationships gone sour, its a question of losing them, or losing yourself."

another person added..."(losing someone) doesn't mean that you don't have a lot of love, you just have no choice." no, this was not your choice.

the fact that you have sincerely tried (&tried & tried) shows just how much love you really do have for your parents. & anyone here would agree that it has taken a great deal of courage for you to get to this place in your life & to have faced such adversity.

which is why its so good to hear your beginning statements of your post, which describe a point in your life (though very painful) where you are finally taking back your own sense of authority & self-respect in your life. something that only you can give to yourself. (finding your own voice)

(its just my opinion) but i also don't think God is allowing you to go through this just in order to teach you a lesson.(i'm sure your friend meant well & didn't mean to just make matters worse). but instead, we are all responsible for the choices we all make every day.

(i know this is cliche) that sometimes life is just unfair....really unfair....& people are unfair....& parents can be unfair too. it may be that there is no greater pain in life than to be rejected by ones own parent.

but know that this wisdom you are learning is 'hard won'. you cannot even begin to expect others to respect you, if you don't first respect youself. (which is what ilene so very well continues to exhort over & over & over)

(i could be totally wrong here) but it may be that an "anger at God" is really just another way to express "anger at self". for not doing more....for not being more...& trying to take upon yourself a responsibility that does not belong to you. even if it does feel like a "dead-calm resolute sense of hopelessness", you must trust that you are valuable, that you are worthy, & that you are lovable.

i also imagine that there are some things in life that we may never fully have an answer to while we are here on this earth.

[CreativeWoman]

Hi Shen,

I wish I had been able to get on the computer before now to respond, but I'm glad to finally have at least made it here now. It has been a crazy several days, but you've been on my mind and I've been wanting to write all this time...

The things you describe of your childhood are just heartwrenching. Seeing your father buy necessary items for your siblings, while completely neglecting your NEED for a warm coat during the winter...that must have really hurt more than you can ever describe. That seems so blatantly CRUEL, as well as just completely neglectful. Spending time with your siblings, while telling you to go somewhere else...it's hurtful.

I remember you saying that you were sexually abused...I wonder if his rejection of you had anything to do with any kind of guilt he may have felt? Did he want to avoid the child he felt guilt about hurting? That just came to mind.

In any case, it's my belief that a child's relationship to his/her "earthly" parents is supposed to be a representation of our relationship to our Heavenly Father. Although some parents do a pretty good job of it and the child develops an an understanding that they are loved simply for BEING, they are accepted, wanted, cared for...some parents totally mess up and very sadly send the opposite message to their child. That alone is devastating, but it can also go even further than that and in the spiritual realm translate into the child receiving the (untrue) message that their Heavenly Father also regards the child in the same way.

I personally think that God is GRIEVED tremendously when one of his beloved creations (each one of us) is abused or hurt by another. He loves each one of us and knows us inside and out--and He feels our pain. Here are a couple bits of scripture I thought of:


"The Message," a paraphrased version of the Bible says this regarding the treatment of children: Matthew 18:6-7 "But if you give them a hard time, bullying or taking advantage of their simple trust, you'll soon wish you hadn't. You'd be better off dropped in the middle of the lake with a millstone around your neck. Doom to the world for giving these God-believing children a hard time! Hard times are inevitable, but you don't have to make it worse—and it's doomsday to you if you do."

The "New International Version's" Lamentations 3:33 says: "For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

I don't believe God causes the abuse, or is using it to teach us a lesson. I do believe that He gives each person "free will" to make our own decisions/choices--He hopes we CHOOSE to love, trust, and follow Him, but He doesnt' FORCE us to love Him--we each have the choice. When we have free will to make our own choices, we are free to make even those choices that go against His wishes and His ways. Unfortunately, because this isn't Heaven (where there is no sin and others can't cause us hurt, pain, suffering) ...we are subject to the pain and difficulty caused by others' choices...including the pain and suffering of children born to abusive parents.

I believe that although he doesn't CAUSE the abuse or grief, in order to "teach us a lesson," etc, He can take even BAD circumstances to ultimately bring about something GOOD within His perfect will for each one of us. I've experienced several episodes of HORRIBLE depression during the past 10 years. The experiences were incredibly awful, and I just wanted to die in order to escape the pain... I made it through, thankfully, and believe me I'd NEVER want to go through another episode of major depression again--EVER. God comforted me throughout those times, and provided the strength I needed in order to survive. He was with me through every step of the way, and I know He felt my pain and shared it with me in order to carry me through. I don't think he CAUSED the depression, by any means, but for whatever His reason was/is, He did allow me to go through those episodes. I certainly do praise Him and glorify Him for being with me and carrying me through! Know what's weird? Although I would NEVER want to experience that depression again, I'm actually THANKFUL that I DID experience it. Boy has that GOT to sound completely strange... Here's why: I grew in so many ways that I would not have grown had I not experienced it. It made me stronger, made me wiser, made me more insightful, more understanding of others' suffering. I experienced God's comfort in INCREDIBLE ways, and LEARNED ways to comfort OTHERS that I would never have fully understood or appreciated had I not experienced that depression and the comfort that God gave me throughout those times. And throughout those horribly painful times in my life, I did draw closer to the Lord with the extreme desperation that I'd never have done had I not been allowed to be in that situation. Something wonderful DID come out of the immense emotional suffering I endured.

I believe Jesus was born as a human being and lived among us, not only to teach us people about God, but to ultimately pay the price for our sin (on the cross) so that we could have salvation from the fate that our sins deserved. He loves us so much that He was willing to die for each one of us...hence why those of us who call Him "Savior" do so. What a horrible thing Jesus went through...to say the least. And to those people who witnessed what was going on at the time of Jesus' crucifixion...it MUST HAVE seemed CRAZY, foolish, CRUEL, and POINTLESS. Throughout all of it God had an ultimate plan, but we, being human and not God, didn't understand it before or while it was happening... there was something more, something bigger and something that would bring salvation to ALL who trust and accept His gift for us (giving up His life in our place). God didn't do all that in order TO HURT Jesus or MAKE Him suffer...but He ALLOWED it to happen in order to bring about the incredible goodness that was planned for all of us who love Him, before we had any clue at all as to what was going on. Does my perspective on this make sense to you?

There was a writing that I came across when I Googled some stuff, and I thought it explained a lot of good stuff: Here's the link: http://www.mcculloughsite.net/stingray/ ... father.php
(I'll post it here:)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God the Father
God as Father is a concept that is frequently misunderstood and, in today’s world, often difficult to grasp. The role of the father in an earthly household is to provide for his family and to protect them. He is to be strong, brave, and compassionate. To his sons he is supposed to be a model of how to be a man. To his daughters he is supposed to be a model of how men are to properly treat women.

My earthly father is a good and wise man who lived through the Great Depression, served in World War II, and has done a fine job of instilling a good set of values and ethic of hard work in his children. He is an example of a very good earthly father. Other people have not been so blessed. Many of my friends had earthly fathers who have deserted them, abused them, or abused others in front of them. How do we as Christians say that God the Father is a loving and generous God who protects his children to someone who was raped by their earthly father then deserted by him? It’s a difficult task. Many of us are given such a dim view of our earthly fathers that it’s hard to imagine a Heavenly Father who truly loves us.

I’ve had friends who have said, “Where was God the Father when my earthly father was too drunk to go to our Little League game? Where was God the Father when my earthly father beat our mother and then deserted us?”

The answer is that God the Father has not failed us, but rather that other people have failed us. God was with us during all of those times. Even though our earthly fathers may have failed us, our Heavenly Father wants to protect us and give us good things.

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows
is God in his holy habitation.
God settles the solitary in a home;
he leads out the prisoners to prosperity,
but the rebellious dwell in a parched land. (Psalms 68:5-6)

Even though our earthly fathers may have failed us, our Heavenly Father wants to protect us and give us good things.
God is anxious to make up for absent or abusive fathers. One of the most amazing aspects of Christianity is that we have the right not just to call God “Father,” but to call him “daddy.” Accepting Christ into our lives means that we are brothers and sisters in Christ and have a unique relationship with the Creator of the universe, the God and Father of Jesus Christ. God the Father is a doting father who loves to give us good things and protect us. That doesn’t mean that what we see as bad things won’t happen to us — I’m sure that I didn’t understand at the time why my earthly father sometimes let me fall when he was teaching me to walk — but it does mean that God the Father has our best interests at heart and that our eternal safety is guaranteed.

We should not see God the Father not as a stern authoritarian anxious to punish us if we do something wrong, but rather as a broken-hearted father who is rejected by his children whom he wants to protect and heal. That picture is the one given to us by Jesus in the parable of the Prodigal Son:

And he said, “There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.’ And he divided his property between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.

“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate.

“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’ But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.’” (Luke 15:11-32 )

The exile that the son imposes on himself is sin. That exile is good for a while — wine, women, parties, and song — but it soon turns ugly. Once the son sees how terrible his exile is and how he has no protection, he repents and seeks to go home. Significantly, the wayward son does not want or expect mercy. During his time of sin and squandering the good things that his earthly father had given him, he developed a wrong picture of his father as one who would demand payback in full and would make the wayward son work for his love. Instead, the father gladly accepts the son back and gives a party in his honor. That’s how it is with us. The heavens rejoice when a sinner returns home to his heavenly father. Our Heavenly Father doesn’t make us work to pay back the inheritance we have squandered, but instead gives us an even greater inheritance — the inheritance of eternal life with him.

"God the Father is loving, compassionate,
… and wants to be our loving daddy"

God the Father is loving, compassionate, and full of mercy. He longs to hold us in his arms and to heal, comfort and encourage us. He wants to be our loving daddy. We are assured of his response to us as his children: “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” (James 4:8 )

Here are some more passages which can better help us to understand God as our Heavenly Father:

But now, O Lord, you are our Father;
we are the clay, and you are our potter;
we are all the work of your hand. (Isaiah 64.

Have we not all one Father? Has not one God created us? Why then are we faithless to one another, profaning the covenant of our fathers? (Malachi 2:10)

“See what love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now; it does not yet appear what we shall be, but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. And every one who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.” (1 John 3:1-3 )

…yet for us there is one God, the Father, from whom are all things and for whom we exist, and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things and through whom we exist. (1 Corinthians 8.6 )

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3.14-19 )

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, this is all very long...I hope it's coherent, makes sense, and can offer you some insight as to how my perspective has helped me...and that it can provide some comfort to you.

[Shen]

I just want you all to know I've read and re-read the responses here. I'm not in a place to respond, at this time. I appreciate the time you took to answer me.
Once I get past the hopelessness and emptiness - people keep telling me it will go away - maybe i will be better able to respond here.

[Shen]

This morning, I set out to try some anger work.

I had a very hard time getting started.
I felt a tornado inside, but nothing would come out. I pounded on the floor in my frustration.

It was hard to be angry because I felt like I was angry at God.
I don’t want to be angry at God.
I couldn’t rage and yell at God.
God can hear me.
I wish that wasn’t what it was about, but
Shit
Why would God let me see what I can’t have?
And now, why would God put me in that situation, again?

First, there’s my father.
Right. I get it now.
For whatever reason, he can’t love me the way a father is meant to love a daughter. For whatever reason, he will never love me the way I need him to. I hate that I need that, that I want it, that I still care. I am furious with myself for caring, but I can’t help that.
I was born with a need that will never be met.
Simple enough.
It sucks more than most things I can think of, but I see that is how it is.
I was stuck inside my walls, thinking it was my fault that nothing could get in.

But, wait, there's more.

It's like a fucking late-night ad for something you never wanted in the first place.
There's more.
It isn’t that he is not capable of love. He is just not capable of loving me.
All my life I have seen how he is able to love my sister. He glows in her presence as if she were his god. He has a great capacity to love…
His other daughter,
the good one
and even his sons light him up.
Just not me.

I see what I will never have and I have fought to have it anyway, for my entire life.
Does anything suck more than that?

So, all the anger and sadness and pain and the fear of losing what I never had to begin with… all of that drove me to look inside and outside and everywhere I could think of to find some answers.
FIX ME
FIX ME
That was all I thought.
Somewhere there were answers... someone knew how to fill this void.
What is the meaning of it all?
What am I missing?

I found the answers.
One revelation of the obvious after another.
None of the things I've learned were ever really hidden.
They were all right there all the time... but I was blinded by the struggles I was determine to put myself through.

At the last CoDA meeting, I heard the serenity prayer – I was saying it, for God’s sake – and I realized that I have been asking for exactly what I have.
PRAYING for it!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
I had a lot of courage, but lacked wisdom and acceptance.
So, great, I've been begging for it and now I have it.

Show me what I can do and what I can’t!
Show me what is impossible!
Show me what I’ve been running towards ALL MY LIFE that isn’t really there!

Later, they read the promises…
12 statements of things we are all supposed to be able to get if we just work hard enough, make the right choices, blah blah blah
I’ve heard them and hoped and believed and even thought I had some of those things and surely the rest will come….
But no.
Friday night I felt none of that in my life. Those are not true for me now. They have not been true in the past. What on Earth made me think they would ever be true in the future??
I’ve run towards the unattainable all my life.
Friday night, I couldn’t stand the thought of doing it a moment longer.
I couldn’t stay there with all those people who still had hope.
I had nothing for them
and they had nothing for me.

Hopelessness has a way of turning around.
Every time it gets harder and there have been an awful lot of times... but somehow I began to think that maybe I could find the things I really wanted, the things I’ve always needed, in other places. Maybe there was a way to get that fullfillment I'd been hearing about from so many sources. Because,
and here’s the real killer,
I see it now.
I know what it is that’s missing.
All the things I’ve done and learned in the last three years have brought me to a realization of what is possible.
There is a kind of closeness, that elusive intimacy, that is possible here on this planet.

And so, I go to my significant other and I tell him my needs. I tell him that there is something missing and it’s something I want and need and I ask him if he is willing to get to this place with me.
Because I know!
I know what it is we don’t have.
It was so hard to ask. I had to force the words out. This isn't something I do... I don't tell people I need something. I don't ask for anything.
I couldn't even look at him.
But I said the words.
There is something missing and I think we can get it. There are people out there who can help us get it. We could go to couples counseling, I've heard of someone who might be able to to help us....

He says he sees no need and he does not want to try.

So
Once again,
I am right here in the ugliest place there is.
Dangling in front of me is exactly what I need in perfect clarity
But I can’t have it.
Not now
Not with him
Its that carrot, just out of reach, again
But I am tired of chasing it.