Anger at God

[CreativeWoman]

Shen,

I know that you've gone through and processed so many painful things, and I know you're hurting. If any of us here can offer you some hope, encouragement, and support, I'm glad for that.

Talking to your husband about your deep thoughts and your needs must have been difficult, and the rejection you felt (regarding couples' therapy and 'trying') must have felt devastating, I can imagine. I'm so sorry for your hurting, your pain.

Please allow me to share my own personal thoughts and opinion with you, and if you find something you can use in here, I hope you will find some comfort:

There's a huge similarity I'm seeing here between the rejection you experienced from your father, and the rejection you may be feeling from your husband regarding your requests...they (your father and husband) are both men...human beings. No matter how loving, how wonderful, how compassionate, how caring, etc a human being is... EVERY human being, EVERYWHERE, EVER, will at some point let you down. NO ONE is completely dependable...we can never truly completely count on another human being to fulfill that strong, aching, longing we each feel deep down inside...for unconditional love, support, and complete faithfulness. Even the most WONDERFUL human being in the world is just not capable of it. No human person in the world can BE all that we need...

In a way, that concept is a bit depressing. But on the other hand, it can be tremendously liberating! It's liberating, because once we can accept that we can never find our own happiness, our own needs being completely met through another person...we can stop being frustrated and disappointed over and over again by trying and never quite GETTING what we are so badly wanting. If we come to that point where we realize that seeking 100% faithful love, approval, and acceptance from another person is futile, we are THEN able to see that the ONLY source where we human beings will ever find that aching need for love, approval and acceptance is from the Lord God, alone. He IS love! He created each of us for a purpose--(there is an important reason you're here, Shen, even if you don't know just why yet! He made each one of us, because He wants us to be His children. He simply wants us to love Him and trust Him, as any of us human people who have children simply love our children just for BEING our children, and all we truly desire from them is their love. Because God's character and who He is is PERFECT, and holy, and pure goodness, He is incapable of being unfaithful! We cannot ever trust ANY human like that, but we can put our faith in God alone and know for sure that He will never be unfaithful to us. HE is the CARROT! He's even BETTER than the carrot!

That said, I also do still have the pain that lingers (but I'm healing!) from the rejection and unfaithfulness of my ex-husband. Loving God and finding true love, acceptance and approval from Him does not mean that I don't also still feel the pain and hurts that every human being feels from being let down by other people...it's just part of being human, after all. It's just that I'm coming closer and closer to the point where I'm finally GETTING that not only do I not HAVE to depend on another person for my innermost longing-for-love needs, but that I actually CAN'T depend on another person for those most deeply-felt needs. As I'm getting closer and closer to the point where I'm accepting that only GOD Himself can truly meet those needs for unconditional love, I'm placing ALL of my hope in HIM alone. THAT is liberating, because once I fully 100% accept that all my needs for true unconditional love come from Him, I will be "whole."

Being human, I do understand that longing for deep human loving intimacy that I think you're describing...I long for that in my life too. I never had it in my 10-year marriage to my ex-husband...I know what you mean about feeling so sad about SEEING what you long for, but not being able to ever grasp it. The longing is actually painful! As a person who's been emotionally abused and injured, whose trust has been completely shattered by my ex-spouse...I do wonder if I'll ever be able to trust another man again. I don't know. Maybe. I do think that as long as I'm SEEKING the kind of love, acceptance, and support that I long for IN a MAN...I won't find it. Once I reach the point of putting 100% faith in God alone to meet those needs, only then will there be the possibility for me to be able to have real intimacy (the kind that doesn't depend on the man to meet all my needs, but will allow myself the vulnerability required) to connect on a deep emotional level with a man...knowing that my needs are ALREADY met by God, and I'm simply sharing myself, my life, with another human being who certainly will let me down from time to time. I do hope to get to that point someday. Does that make sense?

Shen, please don't give up hope. Don't give up. There IS hope. Sometimes the situations in our lives really SUCK. Sometimes the people we love really SUCK too. But keep holding out...there's still hope out there, and we just need to hold onto that and keep going. Even when it seems like it's a lost cause. Keep up your fight--it will be worth it!

[Shen]

CW, there are so many things in your reply - a lot of meat and a lot of stuffing too. I really appreciate the time you put into answering and the thought behind your words. The gist I get is: I can only find complete happiness in my spiritual relationship and not in those on this world.

I agree, completely.
I know you are right.
I would have doubted this a few years ago, but I have come to believe in things beyond what I can see and I have experienced things I can't explain in any other way.

A few things in your post made me stumble... but that is just because of my own experiences. Fpr instance, when you said this: "He simply wants us to love Him and trust Him, as any of us human people who have children simply love our children just for BEING our children, and all we truly desire from them is their love."

My father did not love me. My being his child did not induce that response from him, at all. I think he has always demanded respect from me, but I don't honestly think he cares if I love him or not. I think his own shame and guilt have clouded his vision when he looks at me, and I am coming to understand how this happened, and I am also coming to understand that I had no part in it - NONE - no part at all. He left for a year when I was less than three months old - to me that was the beginning of his abuse. He began sexually abusing me when I was two or three years old. He separated me out from the other kids, set me apart, belittled me and told me I was bad, had always been bad and would always be bad.

Because of the need I had, as a child, for that love - a need I was born with - I was unable to see this for what it really was. I was not able to label this as "rejection". It was not possible for me to accept that and survive. Instead, I saw it as something that was my fault because if it was my fault then there was hope that I could turn it around. If I could just be good enough, he would love me.

So - I suspect that experience does cloud my perception of God, especially when I hear God referred to as "the father" and myself as "his child". Not all fathers love or are worthy of love. Not all fathers know what unconditional means.

That said, i really do want you to know that I appreciate and understand what you were trying to get across. I no longer am looking for others to "save" me. That was the goal of most of my life, but it isn't any more. I have worked HARD to save myself, to learn who I am and find my strengths and understand what connections I can count on and which ones I should not believe in. I have come to know that God is there.

A friend of mine, here in the real world, said this when I told her how angry I was at God:
That's okay.
God has big shoulders, he can take it.

It made me feel safe, knowing that. Anger at my father was never permitted. That, I'm sure, is the reason why I am so stifled when I am trying to do "anger work." Even when I am alone in my house, and I KNOW no one else will be home for hours, and I am locked in a basement room with no windows... I still can't yell. I can't cry. I can't scream out the anger inside me.
I just can't do it.
I'm getting a little better... but I still can't give myself that freedom.
But, God can take it.
I told someone else that, last night, and she said, "Do you really believe that? That God can take it?"
I said, "He sure seems to think I can take it, so I guess he should be able to, as well."

So, still a lot of anger.

As far as my husband is concerned - three things:
1) I understand that he can't be perfect.
2) I have recognized the comparison between him and my father (and it has been pointed out to me a few times) and I do see how I am projecting my anger and issues onto him.
3) I am not really asking him to be perfectly there for me... I am only asking if he has the courage and desire to attempt to improve our relationship. There is a lot more hanging on that than he is aware of. I know he doesn't really understand it, and he can't really understand it because I haven't found that "vulnerability" that you talked about. Your description of what I want to work towards in that respect was awesome. You really get it.
I'm only starting to get it. I don't want to wait another 20 or 30 years to figure it out, and I think if we went to counseling we could learn some things that might steer us in the right direction... and it really hurt to have him say he was unwilling to try.
But (and this is a big but) I really was unfair when I asked him at that time. I was asking him for the right reasons as well as the wrong ones. I needed some confirmation - some reassurance - that he was NOT my father, that he was NOT going to turn out to be untrustworthy and that he was willing to do anything for me and for us. That is not what I said - but that is what I really needed and meant.
So, that wasn't fair.
I'm hanging in there, and I'm working hard (it feels like I have been working hard for a very long time... and I guess I have) and I am not giving up yet. I will grieve the loss of my father - even though he still walks the earth - and I will continue to grow in my awareness of God and I will stick it out, at this point, with my husband with the hope that we can work this through (sometime in the forseeable future would be nice).

Thanks again. I really appreciated your response - the words and the thought behind them - more than you know.
S

[CreativeWoman]

Thank you for your response, Shen. I'm too exhausted to even think of writing anything coherent right now, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and I've been pondering some of the things you talked about. I'll try to get on here tomorrow or maybe Saturday, if I can hopefully find a decent amount of time to respond...

I hope that you're feeling better, doing well.

[Shen]

Being angry at someone doesn't mean you don't love them.
Being angry doesn't mean you'll be punished.
Thats why it was okay to be angry at God.
Its just anger.

[IleneW]

There are no "bad" emotions.

[Shen]

This is going to take a while.
It's really hard being around the kids because I can't explain what's going on. I have to pretend everything is okay, and it is really not. I'm doing the best I can, but I am struggling just to get through the day.
Yesterday wasn't bad because I had a coda meeting and then went out after with friends from there - friends I could be myself with, even with this grief.
Then, today, I have been here with the kids -took them for haircuts, played some mariokart, tried to pass the time in a normal way.
I had some wine when things started to get out of control.
My husband asked me if we could go out with his mom tomorrow... which si NOT what I want to do. I'm angry that he doesn't know that. I told him I have a massage tomorrow - something I don't do often and set up a month ago and was so glad to have on my schedule for this weekend, as things are right now. It's at 3:00 and his mom is old and goes to bed early. I won't be able to go out for dinner until at least 530 or 6:00.
He is annoyed that I have the massage. He springs this on me at the last minute and now he is annoyed.
I can't stand it. It would take so little for me to blow up at him, but of course he is sweeping it all under the rug, as he always does. He will stew about it and be angry and let it out in subliminal ways and I will sense them all and it will build up.
I said he could go without me, but he didn't even respond to that.
Seriously. I thought he understood how intense this is. I told him and he was pretty good for a while, but I guess he has decided I should be over it.
I'm not
I may not be for a long time.
I am about one comment or irritation from walking out the door and going anywhere else... and he is going to push me, I know it.
I need his support right now, but that's not looking too good.

*sigh*
I am so tired of feeling like this.
How long does this last?