Please Help

[blueeyes18]

I have been searching for a place where i can get some advise and feel safe. All my life I have been with guys who abuse me emtionally and somewhat physically. My relationship now of course didnt turn out any different. It started out wonderful and then went to hell. And when it did I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter. I spent my whole pregnancy getting yelled at, ignored, made to feel like a slave, and if I didn't "preform" I was a bad person and I got yelled at. Im 27 years old, he is 20. Things go up and down, they will get better, then they will get really bad. Our last fight got the cops called 3 times, and the last time, he told the cops, I pushed him and the baby almost smashed her head into the wall. I was devastated, I would never never do anything to hurt my kids, they are my world. I thought for sure they were going to arrest me. 3 cops came, and they all went back to talk to him, and left me on the couch, crying. They were in there for an hour, one came out and asked if I wanted him arrested, I said no, I just dont want to be with him anymore. They left, and he screamed in my face for an hour till his mother came over, only to tell me, that I talk to him like a kid, and that I complain all the time that he talks to my with disrespect. My heart broke, she knew what he was doing to me, and here she was blaming it on me. He left and all i could do was sleep and when I couldnt sleep, I cried. I went to work, and he stopped by and I talked to him, and yet again took him back, becasue I really do love him. But once again, I let him fool me. its been a week and nothing has changed, he got mad at me casue out 5 month old started crying and we had to stop you know what, he he shoved me really hard off of him. My dad was right, he wont change, and eventually he will hit me. I feel like im alone. Im sry for writing a book, but I need help, I have no one to talk to, I cannot talk to my family casuse i get the " I told you so" and I cant talk to his mom cause she is very 2 faced. Im at a loss. I dont even know who I am anymore, Ive been doing research while im at work and away from him, and all the signs are there. How can I let him do this, and how can he do this to me when he claims he "loves" me, How can I still love him? But I cant do this anymore, but if I break up with him, it will be a battle for our daughter, and thats what keeps me silent. I keep the peace to keep him from yelling at me. this isnt healty at all, Please i just need someone to talk to.

[CreativeWoman]

Hi there BlueEyes!

You found a great place to connect with others and find help and support. I am SO sorry to hear of what hell your life has been like with this relationship. A lot of us here can relate--you are not alone!

Where you live locally, there is probably some kind of domestic violence shelter and a counseling center attached with it--often you can talk to someone there who will listen, understand, not be "I told you so" and can hook you up with resources available to help you. If you live in CT, you could also come to a "care circle" meeting--I go to them and they're wonderful. Ilene is an incredible help and an awesome person to go to for advice as well.

The way you describe your current guy sounds very typical for an abuser. Self-centered, controling, "it's all about me," and it gets worse over time. If he's shoving you now, that already is physical abuse already...and he won't change. I know how you feel about loving him...I loved my husband as well--for 10 years I tried...and he didn't change. He only got worse too. It's heartbreaking to love someone and have them treat you that way. I understand the desire to keep loving, keep hoping...hoping that your love will somehow reach him. He will not change though, and you don't deserve to be living as a slave like that.

I"m glad you made it here! I'll say a prayer for you, and be thinking of you while I'm out today. (I'm a single mother now, with my 2 kids) Please keep reading here, keep posting...I think you'll like it here!

[IleneW]

Hi blueeyes -------

Glad you're here. I'm so sorry for what you're going through and for your pain.

While I was composing this response, CW came on (Thank you, CW!) and took the words out of my mouth. I had written:

Wherever you live, there should be a women's center somewhere nearby.

Please find it and visit them. Ask them for a counselor; a counselor will help you be stronger inside.

Regarding keeping peace for the children. . . .

A child living in an abusive household is soaking up the chaos and is being damamged, possibly more damaged than being in a household that's being broken up by a parent attempting to escape abuse.

blueeyes ----- I'm so glad you reached out here. Now, you need to reach out to someone for on-the-ground, near-where-you-are-geographically resources.

In addition to doing that, you need to learn all you can about abuse. Emotional abuse is abuse. There are no real boundaries, in regards to abuse. Someone whose been primarily emotionally abusive is may possibly hit you, one day. He (or she), may possibly attempt to kill you one day. And by the way, a person who's abusive to one person, is fully capable of being abusive to another person . . . . . (yes ----- I'm referring to your children, here).

Please find the women's center.

Also, if you haven't already, please visit http://www.emotionalheal.org

There's info there that might help you grow a foundation of insight around your situation.

Feel free to PM or even call me: 203-305-2137. If you get the mail box, let me know the best time to try you back.

You don't need to live your life being yelled at and feeling like a slave. Life can be better. Life can even be great. You can get there from here.

Ilene

[blueeyes18]

Thank you all so much. I wish I did live in CT, but I don't I live in OH, I have been trying to find a place, but so far no luck, I have to be sneaky cause if he finds out, it wont be good, I told him the other day I wanted to get into conseling, and he laughed at me, and said its a waste of time. You all have been so wonderful to me, and I hope you know how much it means to me. I can't live my life like this anymore.

[IleneW]

Hi blueeyes ----

Generally, here, when we talk about getting yourself into counseling, the emphasis is on yourself.

My position, based on experience and education, is that couples counseling is NOT a solution in the context of an abusive relationship.

Individual counseling may be of value to the target of the abuse.

Also, while you're still in an abusive relationship ----- STOP SHARING.

Stop sharing your thoughts, your feelings, details about your activities.

Exchange just enough to keep things on balance.

The goal here is safety while you're there and safety for the time when you get yourself through the door and out for good.

Please stay connected with us here.

Have you ever made a call or a visit to your local women's center? That may be a great place to start.

Take very good care of yourself.

Ilene

[LOVEWHO.U.R]

Hi...

Here is the National DMV Hotline number to finding help in your specific area...

1 800 799 7233...

I hope it helps you to find help....

You are included now in my prayers...Blue eyes!
I hope that is ok with you...if not please let me know.

I am so sorry you are going through this too.

Peace, Love and Joy,
love who ur