Release Through Therapeutic Massage

[Shen]

This afternoon, I had a therapeutic massage.

It’s the third time I’ve seen this woman. She is a psychologist, but she works with her hands instead of words. We talk and I send her some things (in email) to let her know what I need to work on, but most of her work is done intuitively, through massage.

Today, she asked me “what would it look like if you left here feeling good.”

I said, “I don’t think it’s possible.”

She said, “Let’s not worry about what is possible. Just tell me what it would look like if you walked out of here feeling good.”

I said, "It would be not feeling afraid, sad, angry….”

She smiled.

The last two times I saw her, I did not get undressed. She didn’t think it would be good, with my history. She didn’t want me to feel vulnerable.

This time she thought I should.

She said, “I’m going to really pound you today. You are going to get release.”

I wasn’t afraid. She has a gentle quality that runs deep. It’s in her eyes, in the way she moves and in her voice.

I got undressed.

It was intense.

She kept telling me, “release this muscle," or "Let go of this tension."

At first, I couldn’t tell I was holding it tight, but after a while, I could release it. She moved from one place to another, finding the tension.

Finally, I did get release. She pushed hard in one place or another – hard enough to hurt. Then she pressed harder. I began to chant to myself:

It's not going to be more pain than I can handle.
It's not going to be more fear than I can handle.

Over and over, this silent chant ran through my head.
I tried to breathe through the pain.
She pushed harder.

Not reacting was not the point.
Not responding to pain is not the reaction people are supposed to have.
I told her it hurt.
She said, “I know.”

Finally, I began to laugh.

This probably sounds absurd to you, but to me it was only a little embarassing. It is something I've always done... and I have no control over it.
My daughter has called me on this many times.
“Why do you laugh when you are angry?”
I don’t know… it is just how I react to anger. It’s how it’s been for as long as I can remember.

After the massage was over, the therapist said the laughter was a release. It was a way of releasing the anger/fear/sadness without crying. She said that in psychological terms, it would be called a “maladjusted response”.
That made sense to me.

When I got home, I wrote these “quick impressions” to help me remember what happened during the session:

There won’t be more fear than I can handle
There won’t be more pain than I can handle

I can feel the pain without fear
I can feel the fear and release it

I was powerless in the past, but I’m not now.
My father has always lived in fear.
He is afraid of me, and probably always has been.
He knows I have power but didn’t want me to know.
When I know, he can’t hurt me anymore.

Feel the pain and release it.
It won’t overwhelm you.
It’s just a feeling.
It goes away.

Feel the fear and release it.
It won’t overwhelm you.
It’s just a feeling.
It goes away.

Feel the anger and release it.
It won’t overwhelm you.
It can’t really hurt you.
It’s just a feeling.
It goes away.

Four-year-old –
I'm afraid
release the fear
I can’t let the fear go
You can, it’s safe
I can’t I’m afraid
I will hold the fear for you, I will keep you safe (slow painful release with laughter) comfort the four-year-old/hold the four-year-old.

Twelve-year-old is very stubborn. She refuses to let things go. She laughs when she is hurt. She won’t let on that she is hurt. “I can’t let anyone know. I can’t show fear. I can’t show pain. He wins if I show the fear or pain. I have to stand up to him no matter what. I have to be strong no matter what. I have to hold onto it all and never let it go. I have to remember it so it doesn’t hurt me again.”
She laughed/cried out and finally said “stop!”
She knows she is powerful – no one can hurt her anymore – she won’t allow it.
It’s safe here
I won’t let it go
You are safe, I can handle it from now on.
I’m afraid to let it go
You are safe, I can handle it. I will hold it and feel it and we will release it.
I’m still afraid.
Do it with me.
(uncontrollable laughter) release.

Gratitude
A peaceful sense
A confused sense
Someone is looking at the safety. Someone is not sure, but she is watching, waiting to see if what seems safe is really safe.


It may sound strange to people who don't understand what a dissociative disorder is like... but I am getting used to these conversations in my head as I accept all the sides of me. I try veyr hard not to reject any of these "child parts." People are fairly comfortable with the idea of an "inner child". I just have multibple, very distinct, inner children, and I am working hard at healing them all.
The massage was intense. Yes, I got a lot of release. I feel much better.
I also realized something important.

My father is afraid of me.
I think he has always been afraid of me.
When he left for a year, soon after I was born, bonded very strongly with my mother and she bonded with me.
He is very afraid of losing her.
He is very protective of their relationship – to the point of not letting her out of his sight.
I think he felt very threatened by my relationship with her… and I think that fear drove him to do many of the things he did to me.
I always had the sense that he was trying to prove that I was not worthy of life… not exactly in those words, but that is the feeling.
It makes sense when I look at it this way.
He is afraid of me.
Which means – I have always had a lot of power, and he wanted to be sure I didn’t know it.

I have more to process from this experience, but it was definitely a break-through for me.
I’m exhausted and even a little bruised in places.
It was so worth it.

[IleneW]

Wow.

Thanks, Shen, for sharing this with us!

[Shen]

Its pointless
I post things and nobody has more than three words to say to me... most have nothing. I have given up replying to others. Often they don't seem to notice and I don't think it makes a difference if nobody cares.
I have been given a task to complete that I can't do.
All I hear from C is that I have to cry
over and over
she sends me links to things and tells me that I have to do this
BUT I CANT
and apparently there are no other options
so I will sit here in this anger forever and who the fuck cares anyway.
all i do is hurt people
i hurt you, now too
i need to lock it all away again and just say screw it and be done.
it's hopeless and pointless.
i can laugh at the pain
i swear in my quiet, empty house
but I have to cry
and i can't.

[IleneW]

I'm sorry you feel so alone and hopeless.

You did not hurt me. I only feel badly that I can't be of greater support to you (and others, also, whom I'm out here with the hopes of being a resource to).

You have an excellent therapist.

I hope you'll invest as much energy into your work, as you're able. You've made so much progress. Please don't give up.

[Shen]

My excellent therapist told me to open the anger door. She told me to do anger work and that would lead me to being able to release the sadness.
I tried.
I really tried.
I worked hard this morning, following the whole uncomfortable (miserable) protocol including beating a pillow with a plastic bat and yelling and all the other things on the list.
It is not the first time I've done this.
About four steps into the protocol is a part where it says "allow yourself to cry as much as you need to."
I read that, after I was exhausted from this workout, and fetl furious.
I did not feel like crying.
I did not cry.
Nothing I could do or say or think was going to bring these tears.
I write her an email and say:
"allow yourself to cry as much as need to."
how do I "allow" myself to cry???
I'm not stopping me.

While I wait, hoping for a response, I did some left/right writing. This is another "tool" that is supposed to help me get in touch with my feelings.
I send her that, as well, when it's done and I've typed it up.

Her response:

It takes strength and courage to cry. Crying is not a weakness. Crying is being real.
Crying frees us to open more to life, to our Higher Power, to joy.

Then, a few minutes later she sends me an article about how bad it is to hold in your emotions, how it harms you physically.

Now, that made me really angry. I felt like she did not think I was trying. I went back and started this "anger workout" over.

Several times I felt like I was going to cry, but I just don't. It just turns off like a switch and I don't know how to make it stop.

I writer her again. I say:

Seriously, you keep telling me that I have to do this, that I need to do this...
but what if I can't do it? Then what? What am I supposed to do, now?
It just is not in me to cry.
It is not something I do.
I can't do it and I have to do it so I am screwed.

Her response (and yes, I realize how godd I have it that she will respond to this. She knows how things are, right now, but she doesn't have to do that. I know that):

Do the anger work. If you let the anger be fully expressed, the sadness will be more possible.

After that, I became so frustrated that I didn't know what to do.
I started looking around for support elsewhere. I don't know what to do! She just keeps telling me I have to cry, but I can't cry. I am doing everything right and it is not working. What am I supposed to do??
I ask her that.
Then I look around the internet again.
I start noticing (at several websites) that people have not been responding to me. I know that there is something wrong with me. I piss people off. I know that. But it still hurts. It hurts like hell.

Finally, I sent this to C:

i can't do this anymore.
i feel like you think i am not trying.
i was doing exactly what you said
i am so frustrated and still so angry and i can't make it go away
i should never have opened that door.

A little later, I wrote her yet again, telling her I'm sorry things got so out of control.

But, really, isn't that what she was asking me to do? Lose control?
I don't know
I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do.
I just want this to all go the fuck away so I can live my life, but now all this anger is right here and I can't make it go away. I am too worn out to do anything with it and still, here it is.

I feel like saying FUCK YOU to the entire world.
very productive.
it's all so pointless and hopeless.
I'm afraid to even talk to my daughter. That's all I need is to drag this into it. So, here I am isolating, wondering if I even dare go to the meeting tonight, or if I can stand to sit here and pretend evething is okay for the rest of the night.

[CreativeWoman]

Shen,

I saw that you're upset, and I'm sorry you're feeling so alone and as if people are blowing you off. It stinks when you're going through a tough time and feel you need to reach out to others...and it seems like no one is there, no one cares.

I would imagine a lot of people here may feel a similar way, but I can speak only for myself; I just want to give you some feedback that may help you see the unresponsiveness at times. I, personally, care about you and respect you a great deal. I'm really glad you're here, and I look forward to reading your thoughts when I see you've posted. We've been having a great discussion on your other recent thread, and I've been wanting to respond again when I'm able. I wish I had more time to get on here, as it's really stimulating, helpful, and supportive! With me, though, "everyday life" issues with my kids and myself keep me so insanely busy at times...that I just don't have the time to get on here and write like I'd like to. With me, it's not that I don't care or don't want to be engaged in dialogue...I just simply don't have time for all of "my" stuff when the RN stuff and the kids take almost ALL of my time. To be honest, I've had you on my mind a lot lately, and have been thinking of things to write when I'm able to sit down and really think and write. I'm looking forward to it!

Hopefully the perspective I've shared with you will help you see that even though there haven't been many long responses on the forum at times lately...it's not YOU personally, or that you've angered or hurt anyone here---it's that people just are really busy and aren't able to be on here as much as perhaps you had hoped.

Hang in there and keep up your committment to yourself and your healing. Btw, when you wrote "allow yourself to cry as much as needed," perhaps "no crying" is all that you need right now. Crying cause someone says you have to cry isn't necessarily what you need. Maybe?

Oh, and another thing, btw--I was floored at the insight you've been gaining and sharing here in your recent posts. I think you're probably correct that your father is afraid of you, sadly. Even though that's sad, it helps to explain "stuff" that happened, and it's pretty good insight on your part.

[Shen]

thank you CW.