Keys to Integration

[Shen]

This is from my blog for today:

Tuesday was a day of chaos.
It wasn’t really the start of the chaos… more like the culmination of a few weeks of inexplicable turmoil.

Even now, trying to describe what’s been going on is sending me reeling around in several directions. I’m having a hard time knowing where to start….

Throughout most of this blog, I’ve written about things “after the fact”. I started therapy a year and a half before I started blogging about my therapy experiences. I didn’t realize how much that “hindsight” was affecting my telling of all of this.

It’s quite different to be in the middle of it and blog. By giving you the retrospect view, I believe there is one fact that has not been obvious – and that important piece of information is this:

When I am beginning to integrate a part of me, I am unaware that it’s happening.

So, for the last few weeks, what was I aware of?

• A general sense of unease that was growing each day.

• Blocks of missing time that were increasing in length and number almost daily.

• An increase in the amount of support I needed from outside of myself.

• Overreacting to situations.

• Being completely aware I was overreacting to something but unable to stop it.

• A growing sense of panic.

• A sense of impending doom.

• Emotions that had nothing to do with what was actually happening in my life.

If I had been able to list all of these a couple weeks ago, I might have been able to see the similarities to how I have been feeling and how I was the other times I have experienced “integration”.

This post is taking me places I hadn’t expected… I think I will write about Tuesday in a separate post.

First, I feel I need to explain what my definition is of “integration.”

1) Nearly everyone excepts the concept of the “inner child.” There is a part of us that is formed in childhood that stays with us, forever.

2) Nearly everyone understands the concept that a current situation can sometimes trigger emotions about a similar situation from the past, thus causing us to overreact or react in ways that we might not if we were able to be completely rational about a situation. This happens to everyone – not just people with emotional issues.

For instance, a boss complains that you made a mistake. A memory is triggered somewhere in your subconscious about a teacher who wrote a bad grade on a paper that you didn’t feel you deserved. The anger and frustration from the old situation makes you react strongly to the situation of the present.

3) "Compartmentalized memories" is concept some people seem to have a hard time with. I think it's obvious that, to some degree, everyone pushes some things into a side pocket of their brain.
When you put your keys down because you are distracted by something else, and then can’t find them later, where did the memory go? You may eventually track them down, and then think, "oh, yeah, the phone rang right when I came in the door." You answered the phone, you put your keys down, you know you did it, but you had no memory of it. Where did the memory go?

If you forget someone’s birthday, even though you know the date and meant to send a card, isn’t that a “compartmentalized memory?” You obviously have the knowledge somewhere… but it isn’t available at the time you need it.

This is my way of thinking, anyway, and I’ve thought about it a lot. It seems that there are a lot of people who do believe in these three concepts, and yet still can’t make the leap from “inner child” and “reactions to past experiences” and “compartmentalized memories” to a full blown dissociative disorder.

These are the three things one would need to accept as true to accept that DID (Dissociative Identitiy Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) is real.

From my own, personal experiences, I could never doubt that DID is real and present in my life. It is a way of looking at things that makes sense, and whatever name you want to give it, it has helped me a great deal to be able to look at my mental state as DID.

Here's why:
I know that I have remembered things from the past. I know these were real memories because when they came to me, I "found the lost keys" and remembered why I'd put them there in the first place. The pieces began to come together in a way that made sense.

I have come to realize that many of my current relationships are reflections of past relationships. I react to things in ways that are determined by how things have played out in the past. All too often, I am not even aware of how the past is being played out in the present until after the fact. I look back and think, why did I pick that fight with my husband? Usually I can find a past experience that is making me feel strongly about the current situation – even if I rationally know that the current situation is not the same at all.

As far as the “inner child” goes – I feel as if I have several. My inner children are not always aware of me or each other, and I am not always aware of them, but they are there, none-the-less.

Some of these inner children have their own compartmentalized memories and emotions. When something triggers one of those memories, they react. Sometimes the reaction is minor (a vague sense of unease, for instance) and sometimes it is major (the child completely takes over the situation to stop it from playing out in the way it did in the triggered memory). Most times it is somewhere in between.

So, to me, integration is when these compartmentalized memories and the inner child associated with them come out in the open. The door opens and I remember. I feel what they feel. I understand why they feel the way they do. They become a part of me that I can work with.

The other times this has happened (three very obvious, full-out integrations and several that have happened on a much smaller scale), it's been really helpful to my overall mental health. I have been able to work out a lot of the past issues once I have become aware of the “part of self” that is coming through. Obviously, if you don't know where the keys are, it's a lot harder to open those doors (am I pushing this metaphor a little far?) but once you pick them up, you remember - yes, I know why I put them there.

I personnaly love the term "inner chld". Looking at these “parts of self” as children has been extremely helpful. I am a mother. I know what it is to comfort a child, to meet their needs, to correct a child in a productive way when it’s necessary, to nurture the child, to be gentle with them and to tell them how proud I am of their hard work and accomplishments.

By looking at these parts of me as children, I am able to give myself the same things I’ve given to my own children. It’s really hard for me to cut myself slack, notice the good things I’m doing and meet my own needs… but if I look at these parts as children and not as “bad” aspects of myself, I can be gentle and nurturing and caring when that is what’s needed.

So, the last few weeks have kinda sucked. It only dawned on me yesterday that all the chaos is because I’ve been bringing another of these children home… and I will write about that in my next post.

[IleneW]

Wow, Shen.

This is powerful stuff.

We're so privileged to have you here articulating your experience with such illumination.

At this moment, I'm immersed in a project and am not able to respond with more substance.

I just wanted to respond that your post was amazing, and to thank you for it.

[Shen]

Thanks Ilene, I really appreciate knowing you read it.