lost again, and who really cares?

[Shen]

I'm having a really hard day. I've been verbally slapped by someone who I thought was a friend, in the real world, and I feel sick about it. I know it was a misunderstanding of some kind, but she won't even talk to me.
Meanwhile, I have emailed a few people, and not heard back - even from emails that had nothing to do with me, that were just asking about THEIR stuff.
I posted here yesterday, and
well,
I feel sort of like the post was sidetracked.
I don't know.
I feel alone and lost and I can't stand feeling like this.

Sometimes it feels like there is no help and no hope.

[IleneW]

I'm sorry you're feeling lost.

I hope it's a temporary state.

I care.

[Shen]

Thank you.
I'm a little better today.
Someone hurt me yesterday and it was very difficult for me to be rational and lucid. I was dissociating some and I am alreayd under a huge amount of stress as I am going through a grief process (I believe I posted about this before- since it is not actually about a death, it's hard for me to rationalize this as "grief" but that is what I'm told it is.) and also trying to do my fourth step for CoDA - which is a step of delving deep into my past and myself. I do the fifth step on Wednesday, which will be some help in eleviating the intense overload I feel.

So I'm sorry if I am being a pain here. The person who hurt me yesterday was someone I once trusted. I tried to talk to her about it, left a message on her voicemail, but instead of calling me back, she began texting me. I was driving at the time. After the fourth text (which I could not read because I was driving) I called her. She answered, and I explained that I was driving, could not read her texts and asked her to tell me what she was saying. She said, no, she would prefer I read her texts. Then she hung up and texted me two more times.

When I could finally read the texts, they were one long rant about something she felt I had done six months ago. I knew what it was about, but actually, I was not the one who had caused this problem. It was a third party, who has already made amends to me about her part in the situation. I called the person who had been texting me back, and she did not answer.

I was at the end of my rope and left a very long message. I started out okay, telling her not to text me again, to call me if she had a problem, tried to explain about the third party, but all the anger I have been trying to work through about my father for the last three weeks was jumping in there with the situation with this person and I kept winding up and saying much more than I wanted to and ended with "fuck you."

So, that certainly did not make me feel better.
I then called the third party and left her a not-nice voicemail.

Later I called them both back and (of course they did not answer - I wouldn't have either) apologized on their voice mail for "my part" in it. I said I did not want to be that person, did not want to speak like that, was having a very bad day and was taking it out on them. To the person who had been texting me, I reiterated my boundary about not texting me and calling if she had something to say.

The third party called me back and told me she was proud of my "integrety" for apologizing to both of them, and held no ill will against me and we talked about how we can't expect everyone to like us. I know I still have that little girl inside who constantly needs to know that everyone likes me.

Anyway, the other person texted me again this morning! I did not read it. I called (her voicemail again) and said I did not read it and if she has anything to say to call me.

All of this left me feeling sick. I was really lost all week and that was not the end of the week I was hoping for.

Today I went to my writer's group (always good for me) and then met a friend who has a lot of recovery (she is actually in AA, but it works out the same in a lot of ways.) She and I talked for a ocuple hours and that helped me so much.

I am in a better place today.
Sometimes I think this board isn't the place for me. I have too many needs and am too fragile for it, in many ways, but I am not willing to give up coming here. With growth, I may get to the place where I can be more asset than ass...
who knows.

[Shen]

As much as it pains me to do this, I think I need to avoid coming here.
I have a feeling some people will be relieved.
It isn't helping me. It is becoming a source of furthrer stress, and I can't handle more stress right now.
I am spending too much time trying to get the attention of someone who doen't have time to deal with me, or doesn't understand what my posts are about or isn't interested in what I have to say, or something.
In the process I am making myself sick with frustration and making this other person feel bad, as well. I don't want to do that. I don't want to hurt people.

I am gradualy finding more people in the real world who can be supportive when I need it, and I need it a lot right now. I wish I was stronger, and I will be... but for now, it's probably better if I just stay away.
It won't be easy, but I'm going to try.
Sometimes I hate the little girl inside me who is so needy and so demanding and so wants to be heard and seen.
That isn't the approach that's going to help her or me, I know, but it is how I feel right now.

[IleneW]

Shen ----

My fundamental principle is always self-determination.

If you feel you want to go, you will be missed, but go and be well.

I'm very happy you're finding supportive people in the real world.

We, survivors, are all of us, here with our tender spots and our hot buttons. People who haven't gone through what we have, have them too. But I suspect we might have more in quantity and more in intensity. So I'm never really surprised when encounters that wouldn't seem like they're about much in content, are saturated with emotional repercussion. I can't change that. It is what it is.

Anyway ----- I never debate self-determination.

Wherever you are, you will soar, and our best thoughts will be with you.

Ilene