Take 3

[sunshine]

Sigh.... the saddest words I have spoken it seems in my years of my journey to get away from an abusive man is I went back, and I screwed up, and why was I so stupid. I really thought I had it last time and sigh I went back again.
The only thing I can say now is I am out again and this will be my 3rd and final time leaving. I feel like if anything I owe it to my kids to get out and stay out. I really wish I knew why I always go back, why I'm still so darn scared of him.
I am divorced, my divorce was final on april 1st. Goodness the joke is on me.
I honestly think he planned it. Planned to say the right things, act the way he does, until really I was nearly begging to come back. Gosh sick, sick, sick.
then tell me lets finish the divorce and have a fresh start, and sign papers that give me NOTHING. and give him EVERYTHING including 50/50 custody of our children.
I gave him everything I had. He gave me nothing and took over a decade away from me.
I have 2 children with him that are suffering.
I am suffering, I feel totally unlovable, sad, and just more sad. This dark hole that I've climbed myself into sucks. I feel like I screwed up, my fault, hurt my kids, myself, others, etc.

Anyways at least I've started to move forward again.
he's already started wtih teh text messeges and crap to our kids again..............

[IleneW]

Sunshine ----

Sweetie -------

You were the victim of an abuser (as are your children).

The answer to why you, and so many others ---- enter into,
stay in and get lured back into a dysfunctional relationship
has

nothing,

let me repeat that. . . . .

nothing

to do with stupidity or weak character
or anything in regards to there being
something wrong with anythng other
than the abusive predator.

The only thing there may be within
the personality makeup of we who
have experienced victimization, are
certain vulnerabilities, vulnerabilities
which are generally the result of emotional
injury, early in our development.

The rest, the offense, the assault, the
accountability and the shame ---- are on
the attacker.

Sunshine ----- I'm so glad you are out.

You wrote: I honestly think he planned it.

Yes. You're correct. He planned it.

I've said over and over and over:

Abusers hate one thing more than anything else
in the world. . . . . . they hate losing
control of a victim they've already captured. It's
so inconvenient to them, in terms of time, money
and energy ------ to have to start from square one
again to find, pursue, persuade, convince, brainwash
and control ------ a new victim. It's so strenuous.
They'll do anything to avoid having to start over.

But that's enough about him.

Now it would be really good to focus on you
------ on your self-care, on your recovery, on your
abuse-free future.

Sadly, you'll still have to co-parent with him.
But you and your children don't have to live
with him anymore. (Yes, I know he's got
some custody. Happily it's no longer full-time.)

GOOD FOR YOU for getting yourself out.
You're on your way and you ARE
up to anything.

Many hugs and much love to you.

[CreativeWoman]

Sunshine,
I agree with and second everything that Ilene said. You are really strong, and you are going to make it. It sucks--it totally sucks--that you have to do this, but it is what it is and you are going to make things better for yourself and your kids. It will take a long time--don't give up, but rather hold on and keep up what you're doing.

[Glad2bfree]

YAY!!!! Good for you! this is cause for celebration! Dont beat yourself up! You are out....you are on the right path. You will be ok! And so will your kids....trust me! He will grow tired of having to take care of someone and will eventually quit seeing them as much. It will be too much effort because you wont be there to do all of the work.

You are going to be great!!!! You deserve it! I am so happy for you and proud of you! We all go back. We all listen to their crap! You got away! Good for you!

[Shen]

I read this today and it made me think of you:


A life without discipline is a life without joy.
-- Muriel B.

Wait a minute. Isn't joy a matter of doing what we want? Isn't freedom the state of never having to do what we don't want to do? And isn't discipline - which we learned from our parents - the burden of having to do what we don't want to do?

Actually, joy is the freedom to do what needs to be done. And gaining that freedom takes discipline. Why? Without discipline, we usually end up doing what is familiar to us. And our experience clearly tells us that old thinking and old behaviors bring us anything but joy.

It takes discipline to say no when we need to - when every fiber of our being may be urging us to give in again. It takes discipline to stand up and be counted when our pattern has been to fade into the wallpaper and blend in with any situation.

Discipline isn't easy or fun, but it's the best friend we can have. To practice self-discipline is to move through our days with a sure sense that we'll get where we're going.

Today I will remember that self-discipline is in myself.

It's from: Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty

[sunshine]

Thank you all for the posts!
I must say, gosh today and maybe yesterday I have woken up and said you know what I"m not scared of him so much today.
I'm scared of what he says to the kids, but he can't hurt me anymore except through the kids.
He has emailed me the past few days and I hit the delete button, theres no reasoning with him. So unless it has something to do with the kids that I must answer I just delete. Holy cow! It is a huge accomplishment for me!
did anyone read dear abby in sunday's paper.??? I need to get a copy of it. I you can get your hands on it, it is a great read.

he emailed me today said he set up counseling for the kids and gave me the dates and times. I just emailed back, great! I'll be there. Thats it. 4 words. Nothing more. I know it irks him that I'm going to be there, but I dont care.

My character will speak for itself if it takes 2 weeks or 2 years or more. I have always been teh same. He does so many stupid things and says such horrible things to our children, and i do hope some of that ocmes out in couseling.

I havent come to a point where I feel sad for him or pity him, or have forgiven him. I dont think I have to forgive him. I do have to let go, so that I can live. I'm still angry, angry at him for not being what he promised, for myself for making so may stupid mistakes.
but I"m 34 and while I might be a little broken, I'm fixable! I'm fixable! I dont think he is. and I am! Wooot!

What a great day today is!

[CreativeWoman]

I hope you've had lots of good days since we last heard from you. Even if you're struggling--which I'd expect you are--you're doing the right thing. STICK WITH IT! You can DO this!!!!!! We're all behind you here.

[sunshine]

gosh I had typed out this huge post and it is gone...........
sigh................
I'm too tired now
know that sometimes I'm great, sometimes it is horrible not because I am not doing well but my kids.
more later