Effect on child in dysfunction, witnessing domestic violence

[CreativeWoman]

There are so many terrible effects on kids who grow up in dysfunction and who either personally experience or witness others suffer from domestic violence. I thought there would be some relevance to sharing this here...maybe there is a parent who will see this who is contemplating leaving an abusive partner and wondering how bringing up a child in that abusive environment any longer might possibly affect him/her...

Here is a "cut & paste" of an email to my ex-husband I just sent tonight, regarding my son who is 8 years old. Daughter is 6:
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Hi [ex-husband] and Grandmothers, [I sometimes CC them with important updates]

Yesterday (Thursday) was somewhat difficult with [son's] behavior, and we had to call 211 from Kohl's...[Grandma E, I told you a bit about this; Grandma F, I sent [ex-husband] an email he perhaps could forward you] Last night went better, and earlier today was okay as well. My dad played with the kids while I studied at the library for a couple hours, and the kids were happy this afternoon/evening.

Around 7pm, we got ready to go to [local amusement park] to go on some rides and watch the Friday evening Independence Day fireworks. [Son] kept acting up and despite several warnings that he'd lose [amusement park] if the behavior continued, he escalated it and I had to say no [amusement park], as a consequence to the behavior. [Daughter] was really sad, and [son] was too, but he blew up over the consequence of not going. He began throwing things at me (hardcover books, cars, etc), slamming doors repeatedly, trying to attack [my female cat], stomping on my sprained foot, and making threats, etc.

It was actually pretty scary for a while, and [daughter] was quite scared too. I tried to encourage him to take deep breaths, to hold his stress ball, to talk about it, etc, but he kept escalating anyway. I told him I'd have to call 211 if he didn't calm down, and he defiantly challenged me to call them...which I did. When talking to the 211 dispatcher and the clinician on the phone, they were concerned about his physical aggression and asked if it would be safe for them to come here, or should I call 911...I told them I thought them coming here would be ok--that he would calm down and we didn't need to call 911.

Throughout this, [son] kept throwing things, slamming things, threatening me, threatening to kill [cat] (he actually tried to get at her, in my room, but I had already locked the door to my room to keep her safe) He was saying things like "It's [cat's] birthday today. I'll give her the worst birthday ever. She won't even know what hit her!" and other odd, violent things. He told me he planned to attack and hurt the 211 clinician who would come, and that he was going to grab his a/c out of his window and hurl it at the person--but that he'd need my help for that--to which I said that was unacceptable and not ok.

They came, and he settled down almost immediately. Major Jeckyll/Hyde thing, the way he does that. He became friendly and talkative, acted charming and spoke cleverly, offered them watermelon, etc. They talked to him for a while and also filled out some papers and came up with a new, current safety plan... I've scanned and am sending the first page of that for you to see, [ex-husband]; it's extremely important for you to remove any knives or sharp objects from where he can find them/ get to them at your house--if you havent' already, after what happened in October. We literally eat with plastic forks...I urge you to do the same, as [daughter's] safety is a concern with this behavior and the threats.

One thing he mentioned to the EMPS clinicians was this, and he has said it before to me and to his trauma counselor as well: They asked if he does this kind of behavior at his dad's house and he said no. They asked him why, and he told them "because my dad has better stuff at his house--like TV, computer, the Wii" etc. He talked about how he liked the food better at your house because you have sherbet... Just interesting to note.

He did admit to the clinicians that he had indeed planned on hurting them when they came, that he did want to kill [cat], and that he also had talked about killing himself and how he wanted to kill [daughter] and me. This stuff is really scary, [ex-husband]. It is VERY concerning to me. The "SI" and "HI" written on the EMPS safety plan means "suicidal ideation" and "homicidal ideation," btw, meaning that he's thinking about suicide and homicide. This is some major stuff; he is a very troubled child.

Well, I'm exhausted now and am heading to bed in order to rise early with [son] tomorrow...just wanted to let you know right away what has gone on tonight.

If you have any thoughts or comments, concerns, about all this, please email me.

Thanks,
[me]

[IleneW]

CW -----

Every time I read another post from you about the behavior you deal with in your
post-divorce family unit, I have to remind myself to breathe deeply, because my
stress level rises just reading it.

It's hard for me to even remotely imagine how you're able to deal with it on a
moment-to-moment, day-after-day, month-after-month basis.

I have no experience with this, nor much relevant expertise ---- so I'm glad you
were able to patch together some support, and that it's really good support.

All I can say is to somehow, keep yourself in your family picture. Practice
self-love and self-care in any and every way you can.

I'm humbled by you're keeping yourself and your family stuck together
as effectively as you do. Please know I'm sending you my love and admiration.

[CreativeWoman]

Thank you, Ilene. Coming here is one of the most helpful things to me, as far as coping.

I received this response back this morning, from my son's father, my ex:

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[Me],

The biggest comment I have in all this is the current plan is not working. [Son] is crying out for something and it’s not much a matter of jeckyl and hyde but rather his needs are not being met in some way. I truly believe as I have from the beginning 211 is making things worse. It’s embarrassing to him and I would bet my life that that is a big reason why he lashes out. I don’t know how you handle him at home, but I think a huge reason why he is better here is because he feels respected. I’m not saying you don’t, but this email is a perfect example. Why do I never see emails about the good things [son] is doing? If I don’t feel that I see any positive stuff with him, then I am sure he has to feel like he is a bad kid all the time, always getting negative attention. As I said, I don’t know what goes on at your house and I am NOT saying you disrespect him or don’t love him. Please don’t read it that way. Sure he has the wii, tv, and he’s had sherbet only since last weekend and he lost treats this week so he only had it Sunday. So again, this is his way of masking his real reasons of why he behaves differently just with what pops into his head which is sherbet.

My point, [son] has himself convinced he is a screwed up child. Perhaps it’s all the doctors, the counselors. I know for a fact when I saw counselors myself, I felt like a bad person. Amazing I felt better about myself when I STOPPED going. [Son] feels like a bad kid, and in a lot of ways he’s playing the part. The current plan is not working. 100 doctors counselors and crisis counselors is not better than 1. In fact it’s worse.

Just put some thought into the plan that is there now. I really don’t think it’s working.

Thanks,
[Ex-husband]
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I wrote this in response:

[Ex-husband],

Thank you for your response, and sharing your thoughts. Truly, most of the time he is happy, and the kids play together well. He does have only one counselor, by the way, who he really likes.

I know you believe that nothing like this happens at your house, but there's something that you're not aware of, and it's happening in a different way, not in a loud aggressive outburst that you see. The other day, [Daughter] told me that [Son] asked her to kill him, and frequently asks her to kill him--which until now, no adults were made aware of. Both kids were there at the time, and he told me that this indeed is what happens, just as she was saying. [Daughter] told me that just the previous day, while the kids were at YOUR house on Sunday, lSon] spoke of suicide and asked [Daughter] to kill him. At YOUR house this was going on, and as I haven't heard this from you, I'd imagine you're not aware of this kind of thing going on at your house. They may not be a loud outbursts, but he is clearly crying out for help--there, too--and [Daughter] thus far has been the only one witnessing it. This kind of thing scares her, and it's not safe for him, either.

He is definitely crying out for help. The violent outbursts (like trying to stab [Daughter] with a screwdriver the other day, out-of-the-blue punching young children he doesn't even know on the playground, hunting down [my girl cat] to try to hurt her, breaking doors, etc), and the more quiet cries for help (such as quietly begging his 6 year old sister to kill him) will NOT go away if they are ignored and swept under the carpet. Ignoring, minimizing, and hoping they'll stop, is a family pattern that ensures that these behaviors WILL continue. I'm afraid for [Son's] safety. I'm very afraid for [Daughter's] safety, both physically and emotionally/psychologically! This is dangerous, violent, serious stuff that is going on. No program/plan is going to work quickly--these are deeply ingrained emotional issues with [Son] that will need a LOT of help and support for his safety and healing. I will NOT minimize this, not ignore it. "The buck stops here," with me.

He NEEDS US to help him deal with this.

[Me}
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I have not heard back from Ex-husband yet today.

[CreativeWoman]

Got an email reply from my ex today:
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[Me],

I don’t have a lot of things to share. We are on such completely different page with this that I think there is very little that can be done to change the situation. I really am against any sort of counseling, but the plan I see in place of the 211 especially is very wrong. I think it fosters a “look at what I can do before they come” attitude. I think it should be handled within the family. Trusting instincts WAY more than just simply what some expert with schooling knows. 211 has to stop in my opinion. Next up I think [son] needs to be made to feel like he is worth something. I think also [daughter] is too much of a second mother . she tattles, tells me things he does, and I think she not only tells too much, but I believe you ask too much. I think [son] picks up on that and feels constantly policed. That has to change. Pooping in the potty is such a joke. He’s been to how many counselors in how many years and has made zero progress? Come on. I’ve given up on any of them being able to handle that bit.

Anyway, again, like I said it’s generality but I’m not minimzing things when I say too that I think the “kill me” talk and not so much a cry for help but more of a “this is how I can get people to listen to me, I’ll say something completely outlandish!”.

Thanks,

[Ex-husband]

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[Ex] clearly says he's against any kind of counseling--so irresponsible as a parent of [Son], I believe. It's clearly neglect and denial. His words prove it!

Also, notice how he blames [Daughter] and criticizes her for speaking up to him about the things [Son] does to her. He wants her to be silent and passively accept the abuse from her brother (and [Ex-husband/her dad] too, I believe, emotionally!)

He's clearly following his [Family's last name]-man role of passing on the dysfunction and abuse to the next generation; [Son] primed to be an abuser, [Daughter] primed to be a battered wife.

My kids need SO much prayer, so much support and help, from people who know what real LOVE and healthfulness are.

[IleneW]

Hi CW ----

You analysis regarding this awful situation, is excellent.

I'll just add that in Family Systems Therapy, there's concept
known as "the Rubber Fence."

In a dysfunctional family system, the construction of the
Rubber Fence around the dysfunction family ensures that
anything (such as counseling) at risk of getting into the system
from the outside, (and which of course, might unbalance it),
is safely bounced off and away (i.e., ex's attempt to terminate
any outside "interference!)" From the other direction, anything
bouncing around inside the system's rubber fence, (i.e., daughter's
attempt to get important information about what's happening in her
world to an effective adult), continues to be contained "safely" within
the dysfuncitonal system. If your ex were to get his way in this matter,
daughter's important information would be quashed so as to eliminate
the possiblity of it leaking out ---- and unbalancing the continued
operation of the dysfunctional system.

And yes ---- I picked up ex's placing the blame squarely on
the (young) female whistle blower. The message is that
the responsibility for the problem isn't upon the perpetrator,
but upon messenger and potential target. YIKES.

CW --- darlin' ---- you're doing remarkable parenting.
My prayer is that your children find healing and that
you stay stuck together through these challenges.

[sunshine]

wow! You really have a deck of cards you are dealing with!
I think you are amazing. I wish I had more to add.
My son is 5 and I deal with anger issues a lot. My ex has set up cousnelign for htem they have their intake appt the end of the month both of my kids. I think my ex thinks that they will find that I am doing everythign wrong and he is doing everything right. i wonder what the thoughts are on that? I hope they pick up on that.
And my son is fine at his dads (my ex) but for me he acts up.
I hear it constantly.

[Shen]

CW, how hard it must be to worry so about your children, to feel so helpless to make things right! I feel I hve to say a couple things after reading all of this.
First of all... if my mother had left my father when I was a child, I would have known that she valued me at least as much as she valued him. I may not have known it at the time, but I would have come to know it - I'm certain. As it is, my father was always first because that was the only way we could survive. My mother went along with anything he did, and what she could not condone she simply didn't see.
I feel that your son behaves as he does in your house is because he feels safe there. He does not feel safe to be himself at his father's house. Being himself includes exhibiting the pain inside (the SI and HI) and when he is not feeling safe he turns to the only person who he can feel safe with (his sister) and continues to demonstrate his pain.

When my son was three he had a terrible temper tantrum. I understand this is entirely different from what you are dealing with, but it keeps popping into my head. He is a really sweet kid (17 now) but he is as stubborn as they come. When he had this temper tantrum he just would not stop. We were in walmart when it started. i had to carry him kicking and screaming, to the car, leaving my cart behind. I had to fight to get him in the car seat. He screamed all the way home. At home, I took him out of the car seat and he continued to scream. I held him tight as I removed his winter coat, while he kicked at my legs and thrashed his head around in a way that made me certain he would hurt himself.

I sat in a rocking chair and held him so tight he could hardly move. ALl the time he fought me and kicked and screamed so he could hardly catch his breath. I kept telling him I knew he was angry, I knew he was sad, and I was going to hold him until he was all done. I held him tight for almost an hour uuntil he finally fell asleep in my arms.

As I said - a very stubborn kid. All this was because I didn't have a coin to put in one of those machines near the door.

I guess the point is, all you can do is hold him and reassure him that no matter what you are there for him. Tell him you know he is angry and hurt and sad and that it is okay to be sad and that no matter what he does you will not let go.

You really are his only hope. Councelors are great and they can really help (and your ex's not wanting them in the fold is a common isolating behavior of abusers) but what he really needs is to know he is loved, and most of all, love by you. Acknowledge his feelings (oh I wish I had been acknowledged as a child) tell him it is good to have feelings, it is right, he is not bad to feel angry. He just needs to learn what to do with that anger. ANd he will - with your help there is hope for this child.

Good luck,
and try to keep reminding yourself how much you've already done. You are working hard and doing all you can.

peace

[IleneW]

Shen ----

You are a warm, wise woman.

[CreativeWoman]

Wow, thank you guys for your support, understanding, wisdom, and insight. It helps more than you could ever know, to have that support.

My son had his psychiatrist appointment last evening, and he strongly suspects childhood-onset Bipolar Disorder. I had begun to suspect it recently as well, so it didnt' surprise me. However, it's a pretty serious condition...I think we may have finally stumbled on what is causing this behavior he's been exhibiting.

[side note--just yesterday, we were walking onto the lake beach near my parents' house and he suddenly ran and tried to STOMP on a tiny baby duckling who was walking with its mother and siblings. Thank God he missed, but he intentionally tried to kill an innocent baby duck yesterday, to the astonishment and shock of all on the beach who witnessed. He had a lengthy time-out on a towel in the shade while watching us all swim]

In any case, here's an informative link with info about early-onset Bipolar Disorder: Not that he HAS it, it's simply suspected at this time. We will begin treatment with Depakote today.
http://www.bpkids.org/learn/library/abo ... r-disorder and
http://bipolar.about.com/cs/kids_diag/a/red_flags4.htm

[Shen]

Wow, CW.
I feel so much about your last message I can hardly think.
I don't know your son and I do know that sometimes bipolar is a real thing... but there is a lot of research out there right now saying that it is actually much more rare than all the diagnoses would have you believe.
Bipolar was my first diagnoses.
SInce I have been going through therapy to deal with all the abuse of my childhood, my "bipolar" has disappeared. Through my blog ties, I have come to know so many people who were diagnoses with bipolar (mostly because there are meds that can be prescribed for it) when in reality they were dealing with PTSD and other abuse related issues. While the drugs may help the symptoms, they won't get to the underlying cause if his issues are abuse-related instead of chemical related.
Also - Depakote (which I have taken) can have really serious side-effects. Two common, not as serious ones include a lot of weight gain and hair loss. More serious ones include liver damage...

It's a big step to take. I know you are at the end of your rope, but be sure about this before you commit to medications. While therapists are concerned with mental issues, Psychiatrists are concerned only with medications. This is a fairly recent thing that has come to pass, but it is the absolute truth. Psychiatrists use drugs to calm people down. They do not try to cure mental illnesses in any way.

What does your son's therapist say about the medication? Does she concur that bipolar is the issue? Besides the anger outbursts, does he exhibit other signs of BPD, like sleeplessness (nearly all bipolar people are insomniacs)? For true bipolar, his mood swings would last for a minimum of a week - high for a while then low for a while. Highs could include sleeplessness, anxiety, high energy levels, even a kind of crazed look in the eyes. Lows might include suicidal ideation, low energy, requiring a lot of sleep, lack of interest in things that usually are fun for him. If he is bipolar, you should be able to see a shift from one side to the other, and the shift should last for many days, or weeks, at a time.

I was first told I had manic-depression (the old name for bipolar) when I was in my teens. They didn't have all the meds then that they have now and my doctor (not a pscychiatrist, just a family doc) did not try to put me on meds. It was the 1970s and it was a different world as far as mental illness goes.

I've read and experienced and learned so much about this illness and I believed that I had it for decades. Although I did not have classic symptoms (my mood swings ran for hours rather than days, most of the time) I was told it was still bipolar. I now do not believe I ever had this illness. All the medications I took, all the years of weaning on and off of drugs, and really what I needed was treatment for PTSD - which is therapy - with someone who really knew what they were doing.

What a hard thing to decide. My older son has ADD and when they first told me to put him on meds, when he was seven, my husband and I went through such a hard time trying to decide what to do. We never did put him on meds. We felt that he needed to learn how to deal with the way his brain works. Although it was hard - it was a struggle to get him to do homework, so many teacher conferences because of behavior and attention issues, grades that were below what we knew he was capable of - I now feel we did the right thing by not putting him on drugs. He is twenty now, and in college, and although he still has issues with concentrating, he has worked out his own strategies to deal with it.,

Whatever you decide, whatever happens, he is lucky to have you in his corner - and this will pass. One day, he will be grown and you will be like me, recounting your experiences for someone else who needs some guidance and information. It's all a learning experience, isn't it?

good luck, again