Effect on child in dysfunction, witnessing domestic violence

[IleneW]

Hi CW ----

Please call me if you need to talk.

[CreativeWoman]

Thank you for your offer, Ilene. It's too late right now, but maybe tomorrow I could call.

I just don't have any idea what is happening to my son...he's getting so much worse as time goes on. Raging and violent...I just don't understand what is going on with him and making him act this way!!!!

It's really scary what he's been doing. He tries to beat me up many times each day--he's so angry and flies off the handle for often no apparent reason. He grabbed and twisted/bent back my arm in the car today, and I honestly think he tried to break it. Why? Why so angry and full of rage? And why so angry at ME?!!!

Tomorrow I'll have to follow-up on my foot injury (he did it to me yesterday) and see which podiatrist participates in my health insurance plan. It'll likely need an x-ray. I doubt there's a fracture, but from my own previous injury there was already nerve/tendon/ligament damage, so it likely should be checked NOW, with the added injury.

This is no way to live! My daughter told her therapist today that she feels about "this safe" [she showed about a cm] around her brother lately, compared to about "this safe" [about a foot] that she used to indicate.

All those years of emotional abuse by my ex-husband, and now these attacks from my 8-year-old son (who thinks his dad is just about the BEST thing EVER) which is downright physical abuse!

I wish I knew what the hell is going on with my son. What the hell happened to him??!!!!!

[IleneW]

Hey CW ----

You asked:

And why so angry at ME?!!!


Here's my take:

My perspective is that your son ----
through no decision of his own ----
has been commandered by your ex
and has become your ex's mouthpiece.

It's like, your son's psyche is a digital recorder
upon which your ex has recorded his (your ex's)
agenda. And his agenda is anger, because you
removed yourself from being your nacissistic ex's
"supply" of adoration and abedience.

As your ex's mouthpiece, your ex's digital recorder,
he parrots back at you the anger your ex has
instilled/installed/recorded into/onto
your son's psyche.

That's my perspective.

[CreativeWoman]

Wow, thank you Ilene--that makes so much sense, hits the nail right on the head. I printed that out and look at it sometimes, to help myself remember why this is going on.

Tonight, I was thinking about what my kids told me after their visit with their sperm donor--er, I mean father. They told me that Daughter watched TV, Son spent the time on the computer (unsupervised, of course) and that their dad spent the visit sitting on the couch with his laptop. Typical, the usual. Dinner was pasta, and my daughter ate alone at the table. Son wasn't hungry and didn't eat, and their dad didn't eat--well, he rarely eats with them, because he feeds them something quick and easy and then cooks himself a great dinner to eat by himself after they go home and he can enjoy it.

I supervise my son CLOSELY when he's on the computer, and when he does email. Just today I found a link sent to him from some porn site, so I educated him about how sometimes bad things come through to unsuspecting kids and that's why I monitor to make sure he doesn't see that bad stuff he shouldn't see.

Interesting, the email my son got from his father about 3 weeks ago...
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i love youFriday, July 2, 2010 7:28 AM
From: This sender is DomainKeys verified[Son's father]
View contact detailsTo: [Son]

Daddy wants to tell you how much he loves you. I am sorry I don't play with you a lot at home. I promise to not sit on the computer so much when you are here [son]. daddy can't help it sometimes. I will play with you more [son].

Always remember daddy loves you [son] LOVES YOU A LOT. you are a great son.
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My son was SO excited and happy when he read that email. He excitedly exclaimed to me, "Mommy, I BELIEVE him! I believe he will DO this!" My heart ached terribly when I could see his hopes rise. That evening he came home incredibly disappointed, and down. The kids mentioned what they all did, and it didn't include [my ex] playing with [Son.] I felt so sad for my son...

It's SO easy to say in words "I love you," but his words and his actions are so often just polar opposites...when I was married to the @$$h@le he used to make empty promises to me, too, and for so long I held out hope that he meant it. I believed that when he said "I love you" all the time he really meant it and surely he DID love me, right? How confusing this must be for my desperate-for-his-father's authentic LOVE to experience. It breaks my heart. Also, the line "daddy can't help it sometimes"...what a ridiculous "excuse" for his un-daddy like behavior. Where's the accountability? Oh, that's right, Son is supposed to feel sorry for poor daddy, I see.

Went for the X-ray today, and my foot is not fractured. It was considered a "contusion," which basically means that it experienced a very forceful/traumatic blow. I'm just glad it's not broken, requiring me to stay off of it. I can handle the physical pain; it's nothing really, compared to the emotional crisis my family is currently in. No injuries from my son today, thankfully.

[CreativeWoman]

Received a strange email from the ex today...I think he must think I'm really stupid or something....
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[Me],

This may seem out of the blue and weird but I wanted you to know that I do wish you the best success and happiness going forward in your life and career. We spend too much just going through necessary stuff to talk about and I just wanted you to know that. I don’t dislike you and never have.

Thanks,

[ex-husband]
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I simply responded with a thank you for the kind words, and left it at that. I'm not that naiave anymore. It's just a game...

[CreativeWoman]

This evening my son left for the weekend with my parents. They know how AWFUL it has been at my house this past week--how violent my son has been and how exhausted and overwhelmed I am at the frequent assaults on my daughter and me.

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As he was getting in his pajamas early before they left, I said to my son, "You can't beat up your grandparents, you know." He answered, "I know." I asked him, "You're not going to beat them up, right?" and he said, "no."

I then asked him, "Why do you try to beat up your sister and me?"

He answered, "You're weak."


I was a bit stunned. I said, "[Son], you think I'm WEAK?...I guess I should show you how strong I am."

I didn't hear what he mumbled, but it was something in the lines of "a few kicks to the crotch would bring you down."...
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I was completely stunned by that short interaction. There are just SO many things wrong with it that I just don't even know where to begin... It is so incredibly sad, not to mention scary.

He is feeling SO insecure about his own self that he feels the need to--and thinks he CAN--beat up anyone who he thinks is "weak," and feel stronger in doing just that. And he acts like he's entitled to do it!

When he answered, "You're weak," he said it so matter-of-factly, like he was surprised I'd even ask him a question that had (to him) such an obvious answer.

I'm really scared for this kid. I love my child so deeply...it hurts immensely to think about what he has experienced that has injured his psyche so much. He's so emotionally injured--is it repairable?...it scares me to think about the future.

[IleneW]

Hi CW -----

To me, it feels like everything out of your son's mouth is
actually coming from someone elses, my opinion is that
it's your ex's. Try closing your eyes and see if your ex's
face comes up as the ventriloquist projecting the awful
things your son is saying, to be coming out of your little
boy's mouth.

Yes/no?

I'm not the child development expert,
but I am an expert in the dynamics
of dysfunction and abuse.

It feels to me like your son protected himself from the
chaos around him, when he was very little, with a
decision (it was, of course, an unconscious decision),
to identify himself with the "stonger," dominant parent,
his same-gender parent (identifying with the same-gender
parent is most typical, anyway). His stronger, dominant
parent was obviously in charge, in control. His small-child
mind observed that it was certainly safer to be the one
who is stronger, dominant, in charge and in control ----
thank to be the "weaker," subordinant, not-in-charge,
not-in-control party in the abusive interaction.

And so ---- he "took up position" with his father.

Now ----- what you're hearing is your son's father
speaking through your little boy as though he were
the puppet on the knee of the ventriloquist.

That's how I see what's happening.

[CreativeWoman]

How do I get my son back, Ilene? CAN I get him back?

I MISS the sweet little boy I thought I knew him to be...

[CreativeWoman]

[edit: I noticed a few words about this post today that caught my eye...]

On another note, my daughter and I had a peaceful night at home last night....no moment-by-moment worry, just peace and freedom to smile and feel happy and comfortable in our own home. We both just woke up a little while ago, having both slept in!

I heard her singing happily in her room so I peeked in the door and saw her smiling and singing cheerfully in her bed. I attended to a couple things, and when I came out into the living room I saw her sitting on the couch petting my cat (the one with cancer) and he was letting her. I walked in and said "good morning" and hugged her. Her face was so calm, so peaceful.

She said to me, "I'm glad he's---Mommy, is it Monday?" I answered, "No, it's Saturday," and she just smiled and hugged me more. I think I know what she was about to say. She'd never say anything like that if my son was here, or around her dad, but she is clearly RELIEVED and seems more free to be her happy cheerful self with her brother not here to abuse and terrorize her.

I feel tremendously relieved as well. It's PEACEFUL here, and I don't have that knot in my stomach today. I am looking forward to the things I'll be free to do today, and that includes having FUN! I miss having fun! It's amazing, the different dynamic in my home today with my aggressive/violent son not here.

I love my son, of course, but it's nice to see my daughter happy and free to dance and smile, and it's nice to feel happy to be alive today.

[CreativeWoman]

A LOT has happened since that last post....too much to even bother writing about.

My son's doctor prescribed a change in meds for him on July 30th, and starting that day my son took EVERY medication as scheduled--was getting stabilized, biochemically.

This past weekend my kids spent their first weekend with their father since before my son was hospitalized last month. I had all of my son's meds and med-preparing-stuff ready to go, and even showed my ex how to prepare the depakote by crushing it, dissolving it in 1/2 teaspoon water, and adding it to a tablespoon of melted sherbet, etc....he told me he understood and would give them as prescribed.

Turns out, over the course of the weekend my son was not taking his depakote--I found this out yesterday!!!!

Yesterday was VERY ROUGH. Normally it's "detox day/detox week" following a weekend at dad's, but this was way worse than usual. I even had to call 911 last night and police and an ambulance came, my son had been acting out of control and had been hurting me. My parents were here for the evening and were pretty traumatized by it all as well.

Things are very hard. It's very difficult just to get through each day. My son's "Intensive In-home" service clinicians are coming for his appointment at 11:45 am today; he's now refusing to take his depakote, (he says "it makes me not-evil, so I'm not gonna take it! I'm supposed to be evil!") so I'm putting it aside and I'll try it again with him when his clinicians are here...

If anyone here would pray for us, please do! Thanks!