Effect on child in dysfunction, witnessing domestic violence

[CreativeWoman]

I am so damn STRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm fighting really hard battles on all sides, and I'm getting kind-of burned out with the constant battles to keep up with. My son's behavior, the ex-husband's handling of everything and frequent disapproval of how I'm handling my son's issues, the indecision on my part, and the "not knowing" yet on my part...I just feel so overwhelmed at this point.

The thought that we MAY have stumbled on the possibility of my son having Bipolar is distressing and somewhat disturbing in the first place. If that is the case, he'll be treated (as far as *I* have a say in it) and will have the best chance he can have...but it will be an often-sad, hard, disappointing life, if it is the case with him. That prospect is heartbreaking to me. This child has such immense potential!

I really appreciate your insight and post about your experience and what you've learned, Shen. I'm glad you told me about all that. Your words, "I have come to know so many people who were diagnoses with bipolar (mostly because there are meds that can be prescribed for it) when in reality they were dealing with PTSD and other abuse related issues." really strikes me, as this COULD be what is the case with my son!!!!!! Also, same thing with, "All the medications I took, all the years of weaning on and off of drugs, and really what I needed was treatment for PTSD - which is therapy - with someone who really knew what they were doing."

Lots of exposure to mostly emotional/psychological abuse is a HUGE part of what's going on with my son, and I'd imagine PTSD is affecting him due to all of that. I can't even imagine what that has got to be like for such a young impressionable 8 year old! He's got my ex as a PARENT he has to obey, trust, and count on. As the target of my ex-husband's abuse, I was an adult and didn't have to have my ex as MY parent while I was progressing through my early age developmental stages...yet, how much PAIN and incredible damage to me he has doneto ME! I can't even imagine how much the exposure to domestic violence and terrible parenting by my ex has affected my son's growth and development so far.

Perhaps it's Bipolar and the abuse has simply made things harder. Perhaps it's solely the abuse and witnessed domestic violence that has lead to this current situation. I don't know...

Both sides of my son's family have a decent amount of mood disorders, and Bipolar tends to be more prevalent in children from families with these issues in them. A few months into my former marriage I had to receive therapy and medication for DEPRESSION that had developed. ALCOHOLISM is present on both sides, although not in our immediate families. DEPRESSION runs in both sides; in me, as well as MAJOR DEPRESSION and (thankfully, failed) SUICIDE ATTEMPTS by my maternal cousin and my mother's sister. My Dad's paternal uncle had SCHIZOPHRENIA.

My son's father used to take ANXIETY medication and did some therapy, but decided to stop all treatment for it before we even got married--he's also NARCISSISTIC and ABUSIVE. On Ex's side, there's also ANXIETY, ALCOHOLISM, AND DEPRESSION among relatives. Ex's maternal cousin has severe early-onset BIPOLAR DISORDER, which seriously impacts his life--especially when he decides to stop taking his meds. Ex's maternal uncle died in his 40's from ALCOHOLISM-related issues, but also had other MAJOR PSYCHIATRIC IMPAIRMENTS, and used to commit ABUSE toward his elderly parents before they all died... Ex's paternal grandmother is often referred to by their family as the "most normal" of all her sisters...the family considers her siblings way more "out there" than she is; one of her sisters they refer to as "Crazy Aunt [first name]", and she really does seem bizzarre to me and pretty out of touch with reality. Another one of her sisters does not ever leave her house, for some psychological reason.

So, there's a lot of family history of psychiatric and mood disorders! The high incidence of all that could play a factor in my son's risk for getting Bipolar if he does have it.

I did decide to try the Depakote--we started it today. There are so many things to consider, so many things to think about...I certainly wouldn't want my son on Depakote (or any med) if he doesn't need it! If the suspected Bipolar is really MASKING PTSD and abuse-related damage, then medicating for Bipolar could detract from him getting the MOST helpful treatment for PTSD and abuse-related injury! So many things to think about and consider...

The ex blatantly says in emails that he is completely against ANY counseling for my son, and he does not agree with our son taking ANY medications. Personally, I think the ex is in denial about son's issues and not only doesn't want to be bothered with these inconvenient issues, but also continually criticizes the way I'M trying to get help for my son.

Well, I''ve been writing all this stuff for so long that it's gotten late and I need to get to bed now. I'm getting really tired and hope that some of what I've written makes sense...

[CreativeWoman]

I'm so damn frustrated and worried today!

Here is an email I just wrote to my ex regarding the attempted duckling stomp incident and other animal issues:

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[Ex],
My mom sent an email last night regarding the attempted duckling killing. Apparently it happened more than once. Here's that part of the email:


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Hi [Me]-
I was not aware of it, but [Son] did the same thing the day before, and Dad stopped him - trying to stomp on a duckling. Laughing like it was a game, and funny. Think how horrifying it would be to be confronted by an angry crowd of parents whose children witnessed the stomp-killing of a tiny duckling. I guess we need to keep him closer and not get too far ahead of us...

In the water he went after them several times, even after being stopped and 'talked to'. He also swims very close to other kids and bonks them with his bodyboard and kicks water at them; then says "Sorry, it was an accident." It definitely isn't.
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He's also been laughing about pulling legs off of spiders, throwing live spiders on me and his cousin S---- the other day, and he's even taken to tormenting [our cat] sometimes. Just last night he pinched [our cat] and ripped out a chunk of [our cat]'s fur; I asked him about it and he answered "aw, he's just a stupid cat." He has been tormenting the young bunnies that live in our yard as well. The other day he tried to stomp on one of the baby bunnies and he seemed to think it was just a funny game. There's a clear pattern here.

[Me]

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Sometimes I just don't know what to do. My son seems to just keep getting WORSE!!!!!!! It's so damn hard to tolerate what he does, the ex's criticism, my daughter's whining, etc. I'm burning out, dammit!!!!!!!!!!!

[Shen]

i wish I knew what to tell you... I feel your frustration all the way here.
As to your ex not agreeing about the medication - it's very important that he understand that stopping Depakote is not an option once it's started. ONe must be weaned off it. Missed doses can lead to severe mood swings, and has brought people to suicide attempts and outburst of rage that would likely be worse than what you've already seen. It is a medication that must be given regularly, at about the same time each day. I imagine your doctor told you this, but I hope you will make sure your husband understands, too.

I'ms till wondering... how does your son's therapist feel about this diagnoses?

[CreativeWoman]

It has been a VERY difficult day today. It's nearly 3am as I sit and type this, having just gotten home. I don't want to go into details as to what has been going on, but it's serious stuff is all I"ll say right now. I hurt, emotionally. I'm exhausted, fatigued. I feel really sad about things, and just plain overwhelmed with the emotional difficulty of it all. There's no pain like the pain a mother feels for a child who's hurting... I didn't know I COULD hurt this badly.

It's necessary to do things we know we need to do--to do the right thing, no matter how hard or painful it is. Why do the right things sometimes have to HURT so much? My eyes are going to be red and puffy and swollen in the morning... I'm going to focus on self-care, and make sure I do take care of myself. That's the plan.

Off to bed now, I guess.

[Shen]

I'm reading and thinking about you, CW.

[CreativeWoman]

I"m so disgusted right now. I'm literally feeling sick to my stomach I'm so disgusted. Abusers are parasites who adapt as needed in order to keep a host supply. And they metastasize, that's for damn sure. I can't write much now, but hope to get on here later at least to vent if nothing else. It sickens me how an abuser is able to charm just the right people just the way that suits him, as needed, in order to keep his hooks in. I am also feeling very angry. Sometimes (like right NOW) I"m wondering "what the hell is the point of even trying anymore?" He always gets his way and he wins and I lose, every time. Why bother? It sucks.

More later, if I have the time and strength to get on here and write about it.

[CreativeWoman]

Just a quick thing tonight.

A brief update--Son was released from a local hospital yesterday after 9 days on a pediatric psych floor. I was very involved in his care there, frequently directly spoke directly with the doctor, nurses, and the social worker, and spent several hours each day with him during visitor's hours. The ex visited for a little bit each evening, (unsupervised), and not once met the doctor or the social worker, though he was asked to...he spoke on the phone with the social worker a couple times.

Yesterday afternoon/evening went well at home, and this morning went well also, with me. The ex picked up the kids and had them from 11am-2:30pm today, and afterward my son was behaving TERRIBLY. I have bruises showing up on me already tonight, actually.

Not long after the kids were returned to me this afternoon, I called the ex and asked him if anything happened while they were with him that could have brought this behavior about. He said nothing had. Later he called and we were talking on the phone briefly. Near the end of the conversation, the ex said something that I keep wondering about. I typed up a bit about it today:

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"...Then [Ex] asked me about keeping [Son] in his room for 24 hours. I was confused about what he was asking and asked him to clarify. [Ex] told me “the counselor” told him that [Son] told him [“the counselor”] that I have kept him in his room for 24 hours several times before, and that when he’s in his room for 24 hours he talks to his Teddy. I told [Ex] that I’ve never kept [Son] in his room for 24 hours, and asked what counselor told him that. He told me [The social worker] at [Local] Hospital told him that [Son] had told him about being in his room for 24 hours, apparently. ???..."

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I hate to even consider this possibility, because it almost seems somewhat paranoid to me...but deep down inside I'm wondering--considering my ex's history--if the ex coached my son into saying such a thing, to raise suspicion with the social worker about my parenting. I have to wonder if the ex told him to say that. That would be a horrible thing for a parent to exploit a child like that...but really when I consider the many things my ex has done and still does...exploiting and using people is what he does a lot!!! It doesn't matter if the person exploited is a child, his own child, if it serves his needs. I can't imagine someone using a kid like that, but knowing my ex and what he does...I'd be foolish to not suspect it, wouldn't I? I cannot even imagine how confusing that kind of BS would be to a child who idolizes his Daddy.

I feel so sad for my kids.

[IleneW]

You wrote:

I can't imagine someone using a kid like that. . . . .

Sadly, tragically, it happens.

Remember, CW, that a narcissist will use
anyone and anything that serves his (or her)
agenda.

Let's hope the professionals involved
have the expertise and insight to sort
this out accurately.

Hugs to you, Hon.

[CreativeWoman]

Thank you Ilene for your input--I think maybe I was right on track, at least something in that direction.

This morning, my son is in full action, with profanity, damaging things, (he's destroyed a bear figure he had in his room, and damaged both his bedroom doors and closet doors.)

My son has been hurting me this morning as well. Also his sister; he punched her for no apparent reason when she walked in the room that he and I were chatting in. He then continued to go bullistic, and has since been beating me up as much as he can. I'm covered in sore places all over my legs, arms, and back, and he even slammed his closet door (accidentally--but no remorse, and thinks it's funny and is proudly taking false responsibility saying he did it on purpose) off the track and onto the top of my already-sprained foot. I told him calmly of some consequences for his unacceptable behavior, and he escalated his aggressive and violent behavior. He's been out of control, and I'm concerned for my daughter's safety as well as my own.

I called the "intensive in-home psych service" that will be working with us, and talked with the clinician we are working with. I told her about some of what was going on, and she could hear some of his antics in the background. As we were talking, a Marshall (is that what they're called?) came to my door and served me with papers from the court--during this past week when my son was in the hospital, my ex filed a motion with the court, to take me to court so I will be forced to sign (unwillng) "consent" for passports for my kids. It's just unreal what that guy will do. Forget the best interests of the kids...it's all about him and the timing was impeccable for an opportunistic manipulator to file this past week.

I'm becoming so disgusted with all this crap going on. This is NOT what I EVER envisioned for my life, my childrens' lives. I'm feeling pretty scared, don't know what will be coming at me next... My parents are already on my way to stay here for the day, thankfully. I can use some back-up and help to keep my daughter safe from my son, and so that she can have some normalcy. Also, my son is MUCH LESS likely to attempt beating me up in front of other people.

I asked my son a little while ago why he punched his sister when she joined us in the room earlier. He told me she punched him back. I explained to him that she was simply defending herself from his attack. He then told me he was defending himself from ME when he was beating the heck out of me in his room a little while ago. I asked him what he needed to defend himself from ME from, and he answered, "You were annoying me," and then he kicked me again. I can't recall the next couple things he said, but he did say something about "eliminating" me so that I can't "annoy" him--he blames me for the consequences he earned himself and is mad at me.

He also was hitting me really hard with his new book I just gave him yesterday (I took it away after he hit me) and with his Teddy, for some reason. He also proudly showed me indented and reddened bite marks he inflicted on himself. I attempted to take a picture of his bite mark to show the clinicians (will anyone believe me if they don’t see these things, or evidence of it?) but that made him more agitated so I stopped the attempt to obtain a picture. I just don’t understand these violent outbursts—he’s so out of control. I asked him if he realized that I will have multiple bruises on my body—my arms, legs, and back, not to mention foot—that other people will see and they will know what happened; they will know what he did. He became quiet when he realized other people might find out what he’s been doing, then he muttered some profanity and tried to act tough.

I currently have removed figures and lamps so far from his room. I will remove more once my parents are here and I have some help in monitoring him while I do it. The closet doors are out as well. I plan to remove both bedroom doors and put up a privacy curtain for each door. I’m worried about what he could do to (damage) and with (injure himself or a cat that may be walking through) those doors, so they will be going, today. I guess all but paperback books will be removed as well, as far as books go. I don’t want anything in there that he can hurt himself or someone else with.

Please, anyone who sees this and is willing, please pray for my kids and me. We can really use the prayer. Thank you!

[CreativeWoman]

My son is driving our family up the wall, to say the least. His behavior is SO unpredictably violent at times that I can barely take him anywhere. Last summer I used to take my kids to the pool and/or the playground pretty much every day...This year I can hardly take him to the pool, and I can't even remember the last time we were able to stay at the playground for more than a few minutes. Actually, I don't even go to a playground at all if I see other kids there, because I know what will happen, every time.

I am feeling like a prisoner in my house. This is NOT what life is supposed to be like! I don't like this at all.