OMG am I pissed!

[Shen]

Okay all,
Here’s one for the books.

While I was away on vacation, my father wrote a letter to a prominent newspaper and signed my name. He wanted to promote his book – which he recently self-published because he couldn’t get anyone interested in it – so he thought it would be okay to say he was me, because I’m a writer, and use my name and personal information to get the newspaper’s attention. The whole letter he sent was a rave review of him and his book.

I feel extremely violated – again. He seems to have no concept that I am not his to use as he wishes. His motives are always for his own purposes and never does he consider anyone else.

What’s more, my mother knew about it (to my astonishment) and sees no problem with it either.

How can they not know this is wrong??

[IleneW]

Shen -----

Short of signing your name to a check, for which he'd be
crimnally libel ------ what your father did is appalling.

I don't know that you have any recourse, except to publish
a public announcement that your name was used without
permission (you don't have to say by whom), but that
the review was not penned by you and is not your
view.

That will, of course, put a further rift into your family.

But ----- I have a hard time imagining any degree of
forgiveness for this act ----- any time soon. I, personally,
would need to put some distance between my parents
and me. No one should tell you how to handle this.
I'm just giving you my perspective.

I'm so sorry this was done to you.

[Shen]

The first thing I did was contact the newspaper. I said that I had discovered that someone had sent them the review and used my name. I also said I had read the book but had not written the review.
Nothing has been published yet. I'm hoping it doesn't. The only way to contact anyone today (a holiday) was by email, and I'm not even certain the person I contacted is the right person... I can call tomorrow. I just have to hope they don't actually publish this review.

My feeling is that they will not, but it would really make things much stickier if they did.

I have let my parents know how I feel about this... and they BOTH seem to think I am overreacting and have no reason to be upset.
It is very frustrating, but I shouldn't be surprised. This is the way things have always been.

[CreativeWoman]

Shen,

I felt so bad for you, and HURT on your behalf, when I read about this. What an incredibly disrespectful thing he did to you! He just completely USED you, like your 'his' to use however he feels like--doesnt' seem to realize that you are a seperate person from him and that you have an individual personhood that he needs to recognize and respect. My goodness, what a hurtful thing he has done. I'm also angry that your mother knew about it and essentially approved of it! It sickens me that they have the nerve to tell you you're overreacting. Wow, that's just so hurtful. I'm sorry this happened to you.

[sunshine]

I'm so sorry Shen! Hugs. I wish I knew or could add more useful information! But I'm here listening and thinking of you

[Shen]

Thank you all so much for your support.
It really meant a lot, especially the first day or so when I was reeling from this.

Through this latest transgression of my father's I have realized how far I've come. Something really awesome came from it all. I wrote about it at my blog, if anyone is interested. I would really love to know what you all think.

http://reunitedselves.blogspot.com/2010 ... nesty.html

[IleneW]

Shen ---- Thank you for the link.

I'm in the process of reading it.

But before I finish doing that
I hope you know that I know that
you're a remarkable woman.

Thank you for sharing your
experience and your response
with us. I believe it's of value
to others, trying to find their way.

[Shen]

Thank you, Ilene.
It was truly remarkable to me how good it felt to say "I'm angry. What you did was wrong. You hurt me."
I have been angry a lot, and I have held onto it and swung it around like a bat. I've lashed out and "gotten back" and raged... but none of that is the same as saying "I'm angry." Saying it really did make it possible for me to processit and then let it go.

Of course, I am safe, now. As a child and even as a young adult, he had so much power over me. It was not safe to tell him how I really felt about anything.
It has taken me a long time to feel safe, but I do now.
Even after I felt safe, it took a long time to figure out that being emotinally honest was what I needed to do.
And even after I figured that out, it took a long time to get the courage to actually do it.

I'm over it... he has said he won't do it again. There will be other things, I'm sure. He is who he is and nothing will change that. But I will stand up for myself - and unlike in the past when I thought "Stand up for myself" meant "Be as abusive, mean, angry and ugly as he is to you", I now understand that stating my feelings and setting up boundaries feels a whole lot better and works just as well. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of in that entire interaction so that "trouble maker" label just doesn't make any sense anymore. I was the mature, responsible one. I can feel proud of myself and know that I kept myself safe and established boundaries as I needed to.

[IleneW]

You are entitled to feel PROUD OF YOURSELF!

[CreativeWoman]

How are things going with this, Shen? I was thinking about you.