your shadow

[Shen]

Thank you, Ilene

[workinprogress]

that does make sense, ilene.

metaphors really do help in grasping concepts.

thanks for all your input.

[Shen]

I believe my entire adult life, before I began therapy, was spent on one end of the spectrum. My father made my life miserable. To the child I was, this meant everything about him is bad. Black/white thinking is common in abused children.

My mother would sometimes tell me, "you're just like your father." She did this because she was frustrated with my behavior - not because I really was like him - but I didn't know that at the time. I had no power and could not be like he was, as a child, but this increased the intensity of my desire to not be like him.

It became my biggest fear - that I might be like my father - so I did my best to do everything exactly opposite of how he would do it. This means at least two things that I didn't understand going in:

1) In order to do the opposite of what my father is likely to do, I had to know what he would do. The only way to do that was to study him, constantly. While I wanted to stay clear of him and avoid him as much as I could, I was also obsessed with knowing what he would or wouldn't do because it seemed like the most important thing in the world not to be like him. For most of my life I knew him better than I knew myself - and possibly that is still true. I've had half-a-century of study on the subject of "him".

So the first thing this scenario brings is a kind of obsession with the abuser.

The very things that I did not like about him were keeping me connected to him.

2) My only motivation in most of the decisions I made was to do the opposite of what he would do - therefore I never asked myself "what do I want?" I truly had no idea what I wanted, other than not to be like him. Every choice I made was based on my father because all I wanted to do was not what he did - so even though I did a great job of not being like him, I still was not being myself.

Again, this is keeping me connected to him. For many abused children this connection goes on throughout their lives, even after the death of the abuser!

Another thing that comes out of abuse by a parent is the child’s needs not being met - and so there is a constant craving for the attention and love that is not being given. (I believe this part of the abuse dynamic is the focus of a lot of Inner Child work - and it has been the most helpful part of my work, I believe. Even so, the other dynamic - which I really began to understand through CoDA - is also important.) While I continued to hate and fear my father in many ways, I also needed him, and this set up a very difficult dynamic for a child to be in. I was pulled towards him by need and by this obsession and that made it impossible to see the world in any way except as he would - almost through his eyes.

There were times when I did things that I knew would make him happy - not on purpose, but because they seemed to just present themselves in my life. For instance, the man I married was “a good catch” in my father’s opinion. Inside I have always had this angry child jumping up and down whenever my father would say something nice about my husband. In fact, my father has always liked my husband more than me. That is not a childish outburst, it is a fact. It hurt so much that there are times when I have taken it out on my husband – and then another part of me reacts painfully to that, knowing I am really reacting to my father, which makes me furious!

So, even when I have been the “good girl”, it has made me miserable.

Through therapy and CoDA, I have come to a place where I know myself better than I ever have in the past. When I truly know I am doing something because I want to, I get a giddy feeling inside that is very child-like and wonderful.

So - I was not surprised to hear that the opposite quality from the one we most admire is likely to be the biggest influence in life, in the video. I understand that has been my driving force.

People often speak of life lessons. The idea is that we are here to learn certain lessons and that the lesson will be presented again and again until we get it.

I take that a step further in my own beliefs. I think the awful things that happen to us are necessary to show us what that lesson is. The kind of obsession I spoke of above comes from the abuse, so without it I would never have been aware as I am now. The "lesson" could have been thrown at me a hundred times as an adult and I might never have noticed it if I wasn't already so sensitive to it because of my past.

The middle ground Ilene speaks of is exactly what I've been aiming for. In this place I would no longer react to people who I felt were not giving me what I needed because I would have what I needed, inside me. I would be able to look at both ends of the spectrum and find that center - and the center is ME. In that place, I could tell someone when I’m angry or hurt without being abusive or aggressive, and I could enjoy everything that is truly me without worrying if it is making me like someone else.

And - in this place my focus would no longer be at the other end of the sea-saw. It’s a hard place to find, but to me it’s worth the search.

[Shen]

I also posted what I just said, as well as a link to this post and to the video on my blog today.

[IleneW]

What Shen said. . . . . . .

Good stuff.

Thank you so much.

[workinprogress]

pretty good stuff shen. lots of themes running through this.

its also good to hear you acknowledge therapy & coda, because it does offer hope to those still searching, struggling to find an answer.

when you said " I think the awful things that happen to us are necessary to show us what that lesson is", to me means there is a great deal of insight & inspiration you can offer to all those that share a similar background.

another metaphor i once heard is about a bridge. a narrow, one lane bridge. a bridge that stetched over a very very deep (& dark) chasm.
what's peculiar about this bridge, is that it has no fence or railing on either side. so anyone that typically crossed that bridge, would usually do so by walking down the very middle of that bridge. so as to avoid any danger of the possibility of tripping & falling to a very sure & tragic death.

now crossing a bridge with sturdy & reinforced railings is much different. one would naturally feel safe & secure enough walking out by the sides, even taking in & enjoying the sights & scenery as you go.

i've heard this taught years ago, relating it to the necessity to maintain strong & healthy boundaries in all of our relationships, & especially with ourselves.

when you state...." In that place, I could tell someone when I’m angry or hurt without being abusive or aggressive, and I could enjoy everything that is truly me without worrying if it is making me like someone else"...there is definately the strong confidence of knowing who you are & knowing where you stand in relationship to others.(your boundaries). that 'place', is a place of safety for you.
& there is no danger of 'falling' into that abyss.

when you say..."When I truly know I am doing something because I want to"...again, you are clearly declaring those boundaries which define you, pretty unequivocally. & no one can take away that joy from you.

(i don't want to be lengthy here)

good job & may others share in the victories you have won.

[Shen]

Thank you Work - for the compliments, but most of all for "getting it" and responding. It feels really good to be heard and understood. If there's anything I really need in this stage of my growth, that is it.



I can tell by your posts that you question things as much as I do, that you are searching for answers and growing and learning. Many people just don't. I guess that is one of the things we gain from past struggles is an awareness others will never know.

[cli3nt]

I just recently came to some understanding of this very issue as it pertains to my personal situation. Being a survivor of childhood abuse and now in my second abusive marriage, I at some point concluded that I must have boundary issues. I read books on codependent behaviors and books about self esteem, etc. These books usually left me even more confused. Although I shared many traits with people who had these issues, I couldn't see myself reflected in their definitions or examples so I came to the conclusion that I must not have boundary issues after all. I am a people pleaser, but I don't volunteer to do more than I want to do in order to be seen as "such a wonderful, giving person" and then complain about it when somebody takes me up on my self serving offer. I'm not someone who would buy my alcoholic spouse the liquor that fuels his addiction. I just didn't get it.

I can't say that I've got it all figured out, but I've had an epiphany of sorts regarding my own boundaries. My boundaries are external. Control=boundaries. I depend on the limiting, controlling nature of abuse to provide me with boundaries, to give outline to my sense of self. The flip side is someone who depends on another persons submission and compliance in order to feel their self defined. These two types of people will always find each other. They are a complimentary pair. One needs to control and one needs to be controlled. They need each other. In that way they are codependent in my opinion. Obviously the 'co' in the term codependent implies more than one but it's so often used as a description of one single person as in, "Are you codependent?" or "I'm totally soooo codependent," that I think the issue has become clouded. Individuals may be dependent, but by definition and individual can't be COdependent. Myself alone cannot be codependent. I suggest that only a relationship be termed codependent and not an individual. Dependent individuals may find themselves in codependent relationships vs healthy relationships.

I'm not sure that a poorly defined sense of self, of where I end and you begin, is necessarily involved in every relationship where abuse is a factor. I can't even say that it's involved in most. It's not necessarily what attracts you to an abuser, but as in my case, it may be what enables you to stay and to continue to "love" someone who only hurts you. Any woman can fall for these charming, tell-you-what-you-need-to-hear men. They are masters of illusion. It's just that many woman wouldn't stay once they saw the man behind the curtain. Many women would run for their lives. Some would stay for religious reasons, some would stay for financial reasons, some would stay for the children, some would stay for reasons they don't quite understand. It's such a complex issue that there's a natural desire to simplify, I think, but I'm not sure we gain much understanding by doing so. Not every woman in an abusive situation went looking for an abuser, or had some innate quality that drew abuse. Nice, "normal" people are very easy for predators to take advantage of.

[IleneW]

Welcome cli3nt ----

I'm dying to respond to your many interesting points
but it's late in the day, and I don't have the energy
worthy of responding to you.

I'll be back tomorrow with some properly
considered and in-depth thoughts.

[tryingtorecover]

I have two thoughts on this:

The first is BLACK and WHITE thinking.

Carl Jung said that if we hold a view at one extreme we automatically hold a shadow view at the other extreme. Carl Jung said that it is impossible not to.

If we hold a view that we have alot of doubts about ourselves then there will be moments where we rebel thinking that really are right.

If are partners always seem to believe that they are right then in moments when they are alone their will be times when they experience total self doubt (maybe this is why they don't like their own company very much).

In the honeymoon period they are attracted to our energy because that is what they want to be, they even support us to enhance those positive qualities about us (put us on a pedestal for example).

When we are under their influence however the focus more on how their own negative opinion of themselves compares to how we are and work to destroy us and bring us down to their level.Their view of us swinging to the opposite extreme while they are subconciously working to fulfill this prophecy dragging down what they previously built up.

My second point is on the law of attraction.

My partner was driven by expectations of what we could achieve. The shadow of that is always focusing on the worst possible outcome. She was always thinking about the worst possible outcome and as I also had a tendency to be afraid of the worst outcome I was pulled into her thinking. Guess what happened, we attracted alot of problems both economic and marital.

I did the exercise in the video myself.

My quality is 'compassion' and its shadow is 'turning away' maybe that is why I found it so hard to to separate.