Wolf's Daily Howl

[IleneW]

Basically a year into the HEAL Care Circle Message Board, I think I'm getting the hang of it.

Wolf's Daily Howl will be my bulletin board, upon which I'll post the thought of the day, explore and discuss what I encounter or find interesting in my travels, or answer questions. Responses to any post on this thread are welcomed and solicited!

At least once, over the last day or two, I was asked if what's commonly known as "the silent treatment" is emotional abuse.

Absolutely! Even though it's the opposite of what's generally thought of as emotional abuse ---- yelling and name-calling ---- the silent treatment is a paradoxically screamingly-loud form of emotional abuse. It's both a manipulation and a cruel punishment. It hurts!

They know it hurts. That's why they do it.

The silent treatment is not the same as feeling like not talking for an
hour or two. Everyone's entitled to their quiet time. We all know when
someone's decided that they're not talking to us. In the context of an
abusive scenario, it's used with regularity. If it hasn't beaten your spirit
down already, it just makes you want to scream.

There's no real antidote. If you're with someone who employs the silent treatment as one of their strategies of abuse and control, recognize and
acknowledge it for what it is. You're unlikely to be able to get the abuser to change the behavior. The question than becomes, how long will you
tolerate it happening?

[IleneW]

I hear you! Yes, I missed a day, right after I promised (threatened?),
to post something every day. (I didn't journal either, so it wasn't that
I was just fickle to my new blog-site.)

Here are my thoughts on missing/messing routine:

It happens.

We resolve to do something. We intend to do it. We commit to doing
it. Then we don't do it.

Whether it's because (as in this case), I haven't quite made the habit
yet, or whether we're pretty good and miss occasionally, or whether
we're pretty good but get bored after awhile . . . . . we experience
guilt, maybe embarrassment, around intensely serious things----maybe
shame.

None of these negative emotions make up for missing or ensure that
we'll pick up where we left off, or guarantee that we won't drop the
enterprise entirely. Basically, they do precious little good. They may
propel us to try to not miss again; but then again, maybe not.

I propose we expand this discussion to include mistakes, in general.
They happen! We hope they happen less, rather than more frequently,
but they happen.

So ---- here's the secret:

The kinder you are with yourself, after a miss or a mess up, the better
things tend to go in the future (in general) ---- and the more likely it is
that you'll behave in a kinder manner when others miss or mess up.

This is not to say we shouldn't be striving for excellence. Just that
perfection is not a reality, not with ourselves, not with anyone else
in the world.

We're all works in progress.

Do the best you can, and love yourself --- and others.

Stay stuck together!

Howling Wolf

[IleneW]

Greetings and good wishes for all . . . .

For message board readers in Connecticut and Southern Massachusetts,
save a couple hours the weekend of October 20 and 21, to visit HEAL and the great people who provide and support this message board at the nbc30 Health and Wellness Festival at the Ct. Convention Center in Hartford. Here's a link to information about the festival, and also, directions to the convention center:

http://video.nbc30.com/player/?id=155467
http://www.ctconventions.com/Directions/default.asp

I've been invited, as the HEAL Care Circle moderator, to help staff the
Global Harmony Institute table. I'lll be talking about the GHI Care Circles and also, of course, about what we do at HEAL. I've committed to being there Saturday, for sure, and probably Sunday as well. I see this as an incredible opportunity to spread the word about what both organizations are doing, and to reach people who either could use help, or who'd like to help in some way. Please join us there----and say you came down because you saw this post on Wolf's Daily Howl!

If you come by our table you'll find forms to fill out for a drawing of a
free 2-hour Self-esteem Evaluation and Make-over Tool Kit.

Or just come by and say hello. Besides us, there'll be a convention center-full of things to see and do in regards to your health.

And if you don't find me at the GHI table, take a walk over to the climbing wall. I'm going to work on getting above 12 feet off the ground. Come cheer me on!

Don't be silenced, ever. Start HOWLING!

[IleneW]

Hello gentlefolk ---

Let's have a serious talk about ---- fun.

Some people only have fun to the detriment of anything responsible; others only do things that are anything but fun or at least only indirectly pleasant ---- definitely not fun.

Obviously, something like balance would benefit people on either extreme.

But what about making sure that we mix in a healthy amount of good times, fun and yes. . . . . silliness?

Saturday I was on my nature walk. The day was beautiful. I saw wildlife, stood and watched a stork picking its way through the barely-there pond. Then, farther along the trail, milkweed pods were bursting open, freeing
the fluffy seeds that had been maturing inside. Some pods had just a couple lonely seeds clinging to the edge. Other pods had split open very recently and the brown seeds were still linked together, looking more like a pine cone than an ounce of silky milkweed. Still others seemed held
together only by the strength of a spider's web.

It was a pod like this that called to me, daring me, calling to me to help liberate the already-escaping seeds. I did. I pulled a few seeds from the pile of fluff and held them up to the autumn breeze. Not all launched successfully. Instead, these fell down onto the path before me. Others
made it as far as the nearby grasses, and were caught in the brittle leaves and dried Queen's Anne flowers.

But some seeds caught the wind and rose up. They filled the air like a trail of bubbles from a bubble-wand. I found myself laughing like a child, drawn irresistibly back to the pod for another handful. I did this again and again, until first one, and then several pods were totally emptied.
At this point, I bent down and picked up the seeds that sat sadly on the brown path ahead. One by one, I held them up to the breeze, in the hope they too would find their way to a place where they might find a home to grow, or be lifted by the wind, and fly up against the clear blue sky, soaring far away from the pod in which they'd incubated.

There were certainly moments in this private activity, I felt child-like ---
or maybe just light-of-heart, happy ---- okay, silly.

And guess what? I look forward to doing it again! I recommend it.
BE Silly. Not unwise. Please don't do dangerous things. Happy silly. But yes. It was one of the best things I did that day. TRY it!

[IleneW]

Those of you in Connecticut who listen to the local news outlets or read
Connecticut papers, may have heard or seen a story that began being reported Sunday morning. It's another awful story of dating violence. This one ends in murder.

A young man who'd been rejected by a young woman, stabbed her to death. He had, in fact, a police record for a previous stabbing assault.

One of the news reports I heard, listed all the details of events leading up to the murder. It had been a Saturday night. The two, who'd had a relationship that the woman had ended the week before, both attend the same party at a Fairfield County hotel. The scene was described as raucous, wild, lots of alcohol. She left. He followed her. He killed her.

There was no indication of what, the reporter went on to speculate, "had provoked the attack."

I don't know what station I heard this on. It really doesn't matter. This is still the way most of our society thinks. To our credit, the news reporter hadn't gone as far as saying that there was no indication of what the victim had done to provoke the attack. Most journalists have learned, most of the time, to not blame the victim ---- at least not overtly.

But to sit around thinking that something happened at the party to "provoke" the attack is dangerously mistaken.

Nothing at the party had to happen to provoke the attack, not even the availability of alcohol (which was offered by a police officer as one of the factors in the incident). And to reduce the man's actions as an "anger management" issue, is to say that the absence of a fire extinguisher was the reason a building burned to the ground.

The psychological damage that enabled this man to believe it was his right to end someone's life, because she was disinclined to be connected with him, is the base of this tragedy. The other pieces of this awful story include the facts that though the young woman realized she preferred to end the romantic relationship, she had not seen or recognized the warning signs the murderer had exhibited before he had the opportunity to end so young and promising a life. She was 21; he, 23.

And then the media infers that something had to happen to provoke the killing ---- or law enforcement refers to the issues involved as an anger management problem, made worse by alcohol.

Tragedy upon tragedy.

Part of my vision is that someday soon, we'll begin changing the way we think!

[IleneW]

A little after midnight this morning (last night?), when I'd just about finished what was supposed to be today's howl, I hit the wrong button and lost the post. A half-hour later it was reconstituted and posted. But now
I see it got posted as a new thread, not a reply on the Howl.

So, just please take note that the thread, "All she wants to do is dance!" is a rally call for women in the area, who are able to get away and combine some exercise and therapy for ninety minutes, the Sister Project at the Norwalk YMCA on Tuesday mornings is a great opportunity.

Please join me there. It's been my privilege to step in as a fill-in facilitator there when Cindy Bernier's been away. And when I'm there as
a participant, I find I always leave feeling better than I arrive. It's wonderful. And it would be great to see you there, too.

aaahhhhhoooooooooooooooo

[IleneW]

My howl today is filled with energy.

A combination of elements has combined to help generate a swell of exposure for HEAL's services. Global Harmony Institute's ad on Google
is one of those elements. It means we're reaching people near, far and inbetween. I talked with someone from San Diego, yesterday. I wish I could have told them there was a circle nearby. But at least I could offer email, internet and phone support. Today someone from Connecticut called and said, "When I read about HEAL, I almost fell over. Oh my God. I was so excited."

Well, I'm excited. I'm thrilled that we're reaching more and more people in need. The stories differ slightly, but end up with the same bottomline ---- overwhelming pain and the need for support.

If you've just found us, we're delighted you're on-board. If you've been with us here on the message board for awhile ----- stay tuned. There's something new almost every day, now, in the service of survival, recovery and growth.

Glad you're all with us. Together, we're not alone!

[IleneW]

I just happened to notice that today marks the beginning of my second year as a member of the GHI HEAL Care Circle.

One of my first goals for HEAL was to have an active message board. Within less than six months of our launch, GHI had enable us to materialize that goal. And here we are, beginning our second year.

Tomorrow and Sunday, October 20th and 21, I'll be staffing the GHI table at the nbc30 Health and Wellness Festival at the Ct. Convention Center in Hartford. If you're anywhere in the area and looking for something great to do, come on down to the Festival. There'll be lots of great stuff, Plus GHI and HEAL.

But back to the board ----- well, all I can say, is that it's been one of the most moving things I've ever experienced. To have people out there, some of you, far from the headquarters of GHI and HEAL (in Connecticut), share your gut-wrenching stories with us, is intense. It also confirms for me, how many of us recovering victims and survivors are out there.

Thank you for writing! Thank you for reading! Thank you for returning to read or post. It's our hope and our mission, that this site be a forum of validation and support.

As the HEAL CyberCircle begins its second year, we urge you to read, post, share the info with others in need. If you're in Connecticut, please do connect with us personally. If you're beyond Connecticut, make contact with us and we'll do what we can from here, and also, keep you in the loop about when a HEAL Support Circle is going to be set in Your state. We're spreading like WildFlowers!

Stay stuck together and be well!

IleneW

[IleneW]

Hello gentlefolk ----

I spent today, and plan to spend tomorrow, Sunday, at the GHI table at the nbc30 Health and Wellness Festival in Hartford. It was great to meet new people who stopped by the table, and collected info about Care Circles and HEAL.

Since so much of my energy got spent on the floor of the Convention Center today, I'm going to talk relatively briefly right now, about the Howl topic of the day: boundaries.

Boundaries will be a perrenial topic, because it's so important and so complex. A few minutes ago, someone asked me how to learn how to erect and maintain appropriate, healthy boundaries, when you've never done that, before.

The person with whom I was speaking said that she either keeps people at arm's length, or becomes way too close, with no medium ground. I responded that learning how to keep health boundaries is a skill. Like any other skill, it has to be practiced.

Okay ----- how and where does one practice boundary-keeping?

First of all, if there are people who regularly and consistently hurt you, it would be appropriate self-care to stay away from these people, or as far away as possible ---- at least until you've had a chance to work on your mid-distance boundary-keeping skills.

The second piece of this practice would be to think about the things you like to do for fun, and then pursue an activity in a setting which will enable you to meet new people and exchange friendly interactions. This is a way to engage in new relationships that may develop further or may remain neutral acquaintanceships. Regardless of which way these new encounters go, you'll be exercising your novice boundary skills.

During this time, it would be safer for you to not pursue intimate relationships. Give your boundaries-skill-building a chance to develop and strengthen. Start with small steps.

That's my take on learning boundaries. It's a little like learning to drive a car. There's no way to do it but get behind the wheel and hit the road. Just start on lightly traveled back roads. After you've got some experience, then you can transfer your skills to four-lane highways.

Hope that helps. Take care, all . . . . . . .

[IleneW]

Okay, back from two days on my feet. Global Harmony is awesome.

Thanks GHI. I hope my presence helped CareCircles even a fraction of how much GHI's support helps HEAL.

Now, as for the posts while I've been busy at the fair:

Please people ----- check out the recent threads by Faithfully Writing.
When I have energy to say more, I'll say more. Till then, F.W. has
just about said it all and said it darn well!

We made lots of new friends over the weekend. Hope somebody out there enjoyed the incredible weather. I'm going to love tomorrow.

Talk to you later.

IW