Wolf's Daily Howl

[IleneW]

(Had a little rest, thanks.)

A client I saw this week, had lots of good things to report during his session.

We went over the positive points and enjoyed his achievements and progress.

I validated and supported the forward movement and he justifyably glowed in the genuine growth that he was able to report.

Then, at one point, he got very quiet. After a fraction of a minute, I asked what he was thinking.

"I don't want to come off like I'm whitewashing my life, or ignoring the bad stuff," he responded.

"Listen," I replied . . . . "nothing makes me happier than watching someone moving forward and really putting together new, healthier patterns."

I actually said a little more than just that sentence, and I'll share the rest of what I said, in a minute.

Earlier today, I made a journal entry. (My journal is still a pen and a spiral notebook leaning against my bedframe, same as it's been for thirty-seven years.) This past week has been somewhat stressful in a variety of ways, and of course I documented some of the stuff that weighed on my mind and contributed to my feeling tired. When I finished those, I remembered that I'd had in mind to record a string of chores and tasks that I'd set out to complete over the last couple months, and which I had completed. But before I spent the ink to capture those completions, I closed the journal and clicked my pen shut. And then I thought, "This is exactly what I was talking about in session. We're all effected." So I opened the journal and spent the time to record what I'd initially shot passed.

Here'sthe rest of what I'd told my client:

In my opinion, there’s an unspoken sociocultural ban on spotlighting our own achievements and accomplishments. We’re taught to believe that if we allot more than a passing nod to our feats, even to our spectacular triumphs, it will expand our ego beyond what’s healthy.

Notice all the interdictions in our language:

Don’t get a swelled head.
You think you’re so smart.
You’re full of yourself.

There seems to be a collective agreement to accept that we’ll become spoiled, if we give ourselves more than the briefest acknowledgment of our victories, small or large.

My personal belief is that this is social propaganda to keep the individual in her (his) place, plugging and plodding along as part of the “team.”

I don’t believe that spending a moment to recognize our successes will spoil us. I believe it will build our core, our confidence, our self-reliance and our self-assurance.

I see spending a reasonable amount of time focusing on our attainments, as a good thing. What would be wrong with devoting equal time considering all the things we’ve successfully mastered with our weaknesses, mistakes and failures?!?!?!?!?

Anyway, I suggest we at least try it.

Yes/no?

[IleneW]

IleneW's
Companionship & Commitment Manifesto


I believe there are good potential partners out there.

I believe they're hard to find.

I believe that I'll recognize trouble when I begin to see it, long before it becomes big enough to cause me heartache.

I believe that if I encounter someone who seems great at first that ----- I trust MYSELF not to be blinded to and ignore my intuition and gut responses that maybe there's something about this new candidate that might signal trouble ahead. If something bothers me, I brush it off at my own peril. If something bothers me, I'll notice it and weigh it. If it's small, I'll remember it, but move forward in the relationship. A handful of "small" things that bother me ----- I'll consider as the early signs of something serious. Something big ----- I'll address up front.

I believe that I have what it takes to be self-reliant. I trust myself not to hook-up with a potential candidate, in an attempt to "complete" myself, to compensate for what may be my weak areas.

I trust myself to take care of myself.

I trust myself to love myself.

I trust and love myself enough to be able to be not merely okay, but HAPPY on my own ----- unless and until I meet someone WORTHY of my companionship and commitment.

[Shen]

I trust myself to give AND recieve love.
I trust myself to keep myself safe.

[loveslife]

Hi Ilene,

I first read your C & C Manifesto and had some thoughts. Then, when I read the doing well is okay message before it I think the two tie together.

OK, OK, I'll explain.

When I read the C & C Manifesto I saw someone who is guarded, protecting themself against all the bad they know is out there. Natural for anyone who has been through abuse.

But in the previous message you talk about society's attitude towards success. And I totally see relevance there. Can totally see that. And it's all ugly and unpleasant. I think we all know people who are never happier than when we're down.

I've gotten to the point where I feel like, okay, if that's how you're gonna be, I don't care. Those people no longer have an influence on me.

I want to be successful, in career and relationship and life in general. And right now I believe the best way to achieve that is to allow it to happen.

In that book, Controlling People, it talks about how damaged people look to build their sense of self from the outside in instead of the other way around. We've had such negative messages given to us and we look for validation of those negative messages from the outside.

Instead of creating a list of what we expect and look for from the other person, for me, I am working on building my sense of self. I think that is when can allow for success instead of protect against failure. Because, really, aren't our relationships merely a reflection of our selves???

[IleneW]

Hi loves -----

Yes, yes. Excellent observations.

You wrote:

Instead of creating a list of what we expect and look for from the other person, for me, I am working on building my sense of self. I think that is when can allow for success instead of protect against failure. Because, really, aren't our relationships merely a reflection of our selves???


And I think that connects exactly with my last four points:


I believe that I have what it takes to be self-reliant. I trust myself not to hook-up with a potential candidate, in an attempt to "complete" myself, to compensate for what may be my weak areas.

I trust myself to take care of myself.

I trust myself to love myself.

I trust and love myself enough to be able to be not merely okay, but HAPPY on my own ----- unless and until I meet someone WORTHY of my companionship and commitment.



The reason I didn't refer back to the necessity that we need to be fully connected with ourself before we go out looking for a companion, is that this manifesto was written for myself. I spent six months of the first year after my divorce in therapy, making sure I was more than adequately stuck back together. That therapy is already awhile back, now ----- enough time to say with some assurance, that I'm comfortable inside myself with myself. I considered that to be a prerequisite for moving on into another relationship.

So I agree with your observation totally. Just as in the Twelve Step programs, which recommend that someone in recovery not be back out dating for some reasonable period of time, I also emphatically recommend that an abuse survivor take the time and do the work to reconstruct a solid emotional core, before diving back into relationship. I consider that an absolute must-happen requirement ----- so much so that, speaking for myself, it wasn't even on the manifesto under discussion.

[Shen]

I'm here too
feeling invisible again.

[IleneW]

Shen ----

I'm afraid my being older than most others here has played a role.

Please forgive my limited energy.

[IleneW]

Hi All ----

When I began this work in my early 50's, I'd just gotten free of a long-term dysfunctional marriage and I was learning and growing so fast, I seemed to haul around on jet packs.

Five years later, in my late 50's and in tighter financial circumstances that require a different distribution of much more limited energies, I often struggle to get things right.

In ten days, I've offended two people (that I know of).

My most genuine apologies to those whom I've offended. Know that I'm always trying to grow. Know that even despite my growth, it's possible I'll offend again.

Loving myself, I can live with that. Over the course of my lifetime, most notably the last fifteen years, I've gotten a lot of important things right. This and the understanding that a healthy core is a great thing to have, even in the midst of an imperfect human psyche, I'm good.

Again ----- my most genuine apologies to those whom I've offended.

When the day is over and I pull up the covers, I'm content that I've done the very best I was able on that particular day.

Love you all and hoping each spirit and every soul among you patches together an adequate chunk of peace and a sliver or two of joy. I regret my offenses and wish you all well.

Ilene

[loveslife]

If someone is upset with you it is their responsibility to say something. We forget that we're not going to get along with everyone and should just back off if things don't click with someone.

But only you can judge how you're living your life. Other people have their own issues and it's not your responsibility to fix them. If you feel you have things about yourself you want to work on, then do that. Do the best you can, that's all we do. And remember when someone else is pissy it's most likely it's about them and not about you.

[IleneW]

Thanks loves.

All true.

It's just in a very real sense, we're all in this together.

As survivors, we've made lots of progress and yet, we're basically all
still IN progress.

We must be as loving as possible to ourselves while being gentle and compassionate towards others, whenever that's within our capability.

Love and empowerment to all.