Wolf's Daily Howl

[CreativeWoman]

Hi Ilene,
I don't know if that's a sign or coincidence, but I want to say that I'm glad you're on antibiotic treatment for the deer tick bites and Lyme Disease risk. I'm also glad that even though your doctor is convinced it's not a Lyme/Bullseye rash, she recognized that she's not God (all knowing!) and you're getting the treatment for Lyme disease anyway, because I think you know what a bullseye looks like and can trust your judgment. I hope you're feeling well.

[IleneW]

Someone recently posed the following question
along with several others. It's a good question,
and I wanted to share what I said to her:


Is it possible that an abuser is "made?"

Yes. Except in cases of genuine mental illness (which are really much less frequent than current statistics would suggest ---- and also some physiological convolutions, such as traumatic brain injury or some forms of autism like Asperger’s Syndrome) ----- abusers are created by emotional injury.

Most abusers have suffered or have witnessed, some kind of abuse or trauma, sometime early in his or her life. Abuse can include abandonment, neglect – including emotional neglect – as well as emotional/verbal battery and of course physical and sexual abuse.

To repeat, because it gets less focus, generally, emotional injury can and often does occur when a child witnesses any of the above, even if the child is not the direct target.

There are instances where a person is born genetically damaged and will be predisposed to be pathologically anti-social, or psychopathic. Apart from these relatively rare instances, (as I understand the dynamics), abusers are created by environment and circumstances. Sometimes, even when there's a genetic predisposition, an environment in which a child can develop in a very healthy, integrated way may over-ride the genetic vulnerability. Obviously, we're never going to hear about this happy circumstance. When there's a genetic predisposition to pathology, and the environment is neutral, the genetic directive will likely play out. And when there's a genetic proclivity and environmental dysfunction, continued dysfunction is pretty much a certainty.

When there's no genetic mental illness, but an environment of dysfunction, we'll typically see the garden variety of abuse and dysfunction, as a result of what I call, "emotional injury."

[IleneW]

There was an R&B single that got to # 27 in 1968 by Al Wilson, called, "The Snake."
I love both the music and lyrics. What do you think?



On her way to work one morning
Down the path along side the lake
A tender hearted woman saw a poor half frozen snake
His pretty colored skin had been all frosted with the dew

"Oh well," she cried, "I'll take you in and I'll take care of you"
"Take me in oh tender woman
Take me in, for heaven's sake
Take me in oh tender woman," sighed the snake

She wrapped him up all cozy in a curvature of silk
And then laid him by the fireside with some honey and some milk
Now she hurried home from work that night as soon as she arrived
She found that pretty snake she'd taking in had been revived

"Take me in, oh tender woman
Take me in, for heaven's sake
Take me in oh tender woman," sighed the snake
Now she clutched him to her bosom, "You're so beautiful," she cried

"But if I hadn't brought you in by now you might have died"
Now she stroked his pretty skin and then she kissed and held him tight
But instead of saying thanks,
that snake gave her a vicious bite

"Take me in, oh tender woman
Take me in, for heaven's sake
Take me in oh tender woman," sighed the snake
"I saved you," cried that woman
"And you've bit me even, why?

You know your bite is poisonous and now I'm going to die"
"Oh shut up, silly woman," said the reptile with a grin
"You knew damn well I was a snake before you took me in

"Take me in, oh tender woman
Take me in, for heaven's sake
Take me in oh tender woman," sighed the snake


Anyone want to take a stab at the lesson contained herein?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_ZBqpEUbik

[IleneW]

When I woke up this morning, it occurred to me
(and I don't know that I've ever really thought about
this before). . . . . . it occurred to me how courageous
the signers of the Declaration were.

If the battles of the American Revolution had gone the
other way, all who'd stood openly for independence
from the British king would've been hung.

Certainly, many men who fought, lost their lives.

Standing for one's own autonomy requires courage.

It also requires strategy and determination and resources.

There was no guarantee that the U.S. would prevail. And
the Americans did not win all alone. There were allies,
most notably was France. (Yes. There were politics
at play. France and Britain had lots of history of not
always being the best of friends.)

But when the American leadership composed and
put their names on the position paper that announced
to the world that the American settlers had decided
they didn't want taxes levied upon them by a faraway
king, no one knew for sure how the end of this drama
would play out. They just knew that they couldn't and
wouldn't live under anything other than self-determination.

Let's all here decide, on this day so meaningful to us here
in the U.S. ----- to NOT live under ANYTHING other than
SELF-DETERMINATION.

Courage, focus, strategy, resources and self-determination.

Happy Birthday, U.S., and courage and victory to all survivors!

[IleneW]

July 5th, is my Independence Day. On July 5th, 2002, I announced to my husband of fourteen years that I’d decided to end our marriage. I told him, on that day, I’d decided to divorce him.

Both my decision and my declaration, were a long time coming. I’d survived a suicidal depression, to which my problematic marriage had certainly contributed. That near-disaster was now years down the road, as I headed home from work, July 5th, 2002. I’d come a long way since then.

My route home from work as a program director for a senior center, was a two-lane highway through mountains that rose up on either side of the river. It was always a beautiful ride, raptors soaring through the skies overhead, the water traveling over the rocks, down below the guardrail, dancing its way to Long Island Sound.

I’d prepared for this declaration day carefully. I’d gotten counseling and been in a variety of support groups in anticipation of the day I’d end my marriage. Fearing I’d be shell shocked and forget what I needed to say when the moment came, I’d even planned out the first six sentences of my announcement, and memorized them. With a script composed put to memory, I had more confidence the words would stick in my throat and never be uttered.

Even so, I realized with a start, that I was feeling sick to my stomach.

Another few miles through the gorge and the nausea worsened. I wondered if I’d be able to make it home without vomiting.

It occurred to me, and I considered for a brief moment, that the world wouldn’t end if I postponed the declaration for . . . . . well . . . . a week, maybe. As I savored the possibility of rescheduling, I experienced instantaneous and delicious relief. Then it struck me that I if I put it off, I’d be driving this gorge next week, feeling at least as nauseated as I was this moment.

The next few miles I drove, were to the accompaniment of a voice which seemed almost to come from outside myself. The realization that shadowed me as I paralleled the tumbling river down-stream, was that – certainly – I could postpone my declaration as long as I chose. I could wait a week, a month, even a year. But in addition to the nausea, and even worse than having to experience the nausea again, postponing the pronouncement would mean that I had lived another week, another month, maybe years, in a marriage that had already made me ill. I realized that worse than the nausea that came with the anticipation of delivering the coup de grace to my marriage, was sacrificing another day, week, month, year of my life to an abusive relationship.

I had already sacrificed far too many days, too many post-midnight hours crying and drinking rum and coke at three a.m. in the den, during the frozen winter, or sitting out on the front steps looking longingly up at the stars in the summer. I had sacrificed my fabulous forties, which had gone by in a swamp of tears and regrets. If I gave in to this temporary relief and waited another week, I’d be consigning that additional week, that season, that precious piece of life, however long I passively sat back in temporary respite, to spiritual annihilation.

As I emerged from the rocky gorge that leads to my lower-valley home, the address to which I moved when I separated from the residence I’d shared with my husband, I knew that I would not postpone my announce. I would call him, tell him I’d be coming down his way for dinner. I wouldn’t be able to tell him more than that. Getting this much out would be hard enough.

When I got home I’d change my clothes and head down to the home we’d shared for ten years. Before I got there, I’d pick up dinner, either Chinese or chicken pieces. Though separated, I still had a key and entrance to our marital home. I’d play with our three-legged cat, then stir up my husband’s ice tea from the pre-mixed powder, set out the familiar table settings on t.v. trays in the den, and we’d eat in silence watching the evening news. When we finished, I’d clear away the trays, load the dishwasher, refill his glass of ice tea, and take the remote from the arm of the sofa. He’d look up in surprise, as the remote was his to control. I’d tell him I needed to turn the t.v. off, and he’d know it was serious. He might even guess how serious, as I’d only ever done this once before, the night before I’d moved out.

Having envisioned the whole scene right to the point of my memorized opening, I realized the nausea had lessened.

In fact I could not, I would not proceed through another sunset and sunrise, without having spoken my truth. I would not allow another day of my life to slide to the bottom of the hourglass, without having declared my intent to divorce.

I pulled into my driveway and climbed the stairs to make the call.

[sunshine]

f you found a show (and yes, after local broadcast, I'll be uploading these programs onto the
HEAL website to go along with what's up there already) ---- what are the topics/subjects/
discussions that you'd like to hear about and to learn more about? Please respond to me
with your interests and questions.

How to stop obsessing about your abuser
How to let go of your abuser
What can you do to build self esteem and self worth
How to sleep better
How to fall asleep ( I think these are all symptoms of emotional abuse)
How to stop the attachment you have with your abuser
How to and what to say to your children when the come back from their time with their abuser
how to handle the guilt of sending yoru kids off knowing they are going to be mentally tortured
How to create a sense of a home with 50/50 custody
what and how do you create healthy children when you must co parent
Waht exercises can you do with your children? To get them to oepn up and heal, and to learn that this is all wrong behavior without putting yoru abuser down.

I will think of more I'm sure.
I hope I'm on track of some of what you are looking for!

[IleneW]

Thanks Sunshine. Valuable questions.


This was posted elsewhere today.
The poster credited the Dalai Lama.
They do sound like him. . . . regardless
I thought the list was worth reposting:


1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's:
Respect for self,
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
20. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

[Shen]

That is a valuable list. I copied it to keep.

Thank you.

PS... how's everything with the rash? Are you feeling better?

[IleneW]

Thanks for asking, Shen.

I've had poison ivy twice this season (from all the clean-out work I'm doing) and I
have a mild case right now. Then recently, pulled off two deer ticks in a week,
but the doctor saw the first one and said it didn't look like Lyme, and the second
wasn't as bad as the first. So ----- all looks well. I just love being in nature, so
nature keeps piling on. But I'm feeling okay.

Well ---- I've been on one of the internet dating sites for three and a half months
now, and I've had my share of adventures. I've talked with lots of guys, gone out
with a dozen or so, once. Gone out with maybe three --- twice. Went out with
one candidate for two months. Seemed like a real front-runner.

I had almost nothing but good things to say about him ---- except this:

He'd been very gentlemanly for the first two dates. At the end of the third,
we had our first official kiss. It was very nice. As we finished kissing, with
his next breath, he said, "So ---- you'll be bringing a toothbrush over to my
house soon."

Hmmmm. I didn't get a great impression from this. In fact, I found it to be
pretty tacky, if not downright offensive.

But I didn’t jump to conclusions. A few days later, speaking to him
on the phone, I asked him what he was thinking, when he said that.
He replied ---- it was a joke.

If you know anything about me, you’ll know that I didn’t think
much of this answer. But, okay.

I saw him again and enjoyed his company again. Including a
very nice kiss. The following date, to show I could enjoy a “joke”
as well as the next woman, I arrived at his house with a toothbrush.
Told him it was for our hope chest. He laughed.

We went out a total of seven times. Our last date was a lovely
walk, followed by a light dinner on a patio of a nice riverside
restaurant (at his suggestion).

The next day, he leaves a message on my machine ---- dumping me.
The reason he gave was fairly lame, something that could have been
negotiated if he were really interested. Obviously he wasn’t. And
apart from all the classy dinners, which I enjoyed very much, he
ended up not being a particularly classy guy ---- some have suggested
pretty cowardly, actually ----- opting not even to talk with me directly.

So, my take on this is that my early impression ----- the tacky/offensive
remark about the toothbrush ----- was accurate!!!!!!!!!!!!

There you go. Remember, people . . . . . . trust your INSTINCTS!!!!!!!!!!

[Shen]

I'm sorry it didn't work out... but it was obvoiusly for the best. And I am glad you are getting out there and enjoying the world. People come in and out of our lives for a reason (I think) and you get to decide what to keep and remember, and what to leave behind.