Wolf's Daily Howl

[IleneW]

Somebody just asked me about denial.


Denial and "miscontrued" reality happens as a
result of "cognitive dissonance." Cognitive Dissonance
is when we know something intellectually (with our
front brain), but it doesn't FEEL right with the data
that's running in our back brain/limbic system/emotional center.

For instance, when we "know," (with our front brain),
that staying with an abuser could get us killed, but our
back brain/emotional center is "saying," "Yes, BUT I
LOVE him," . . . . . . . then we experience cognitive
dissonance. When this happens, just from your own
experience and seeing what gets posted here on
different forums and message boards . . . . . . . you
can see how often the front brain LOSES the battle
to the back brain/emotional center.

What gets imprinted in our emotional center typically
has WAY more effect on our choices. As we're able
to incorporate what we know intellectually with the
stuff happening in our emotional center, we're able
to moderate that. . . . . and maybe even begin coming
out of flat-out denial, and begin making healthier decisions!

Your thoughts?

[CreativeWoman]

I have a couple thoughts on this. So "denial" could also be what I would have considered to be "losing the ability to trust one's own gut, to trust one's own judgment,"...to deny one's own perception of reality, I suppose. Do you think so?

For the abuser, he/she is in denial in how he/she could know intellectually that something very wrong is going on, but the "back brain" overtakes that in its desperate attempt to avoid the pain and discomfort of accepting that what he/she is doing is WRONG. It's in many ways the result of his/her own original emotional injury.

[IleneW]

In regards to abusers and survivors,
in general:

It's hard to say never and nobody
because once in a great while, some
miraculous abuser makes a turn-around,

but ----- for the most part ---- abusers are
NOT CAPABLE of behavioral restoration.

Most abusers will only change FOR THE WORSE.

As for the survivor of abuse. . . . . .

I've found that we can understand the abuser
and his or her actions, in the context of emotional
injury that results in behavioral dysfunction.

We can understand and even, possibly, hold the
abuser in a compassionate place. . . . .
WITHOUT
either tolerating abuse or interacting with the abuser.

We don't have to hate them but we don't have to
have them in our life.

Few abusers will ever "see the light" or "own their s__t."

I never advocate that a victim or survivor sacrifice
his or her own precious life, waiting around in the
hope that their abuser will have an epiphany or
a turn around.

Survivors:

Live your life with self-care,
appropriate boundaries,
dharma (good work)
satisfaction
and JOY.

[IleneW]

A poster on another board, talked about being 25, a college graudate,
and suddenly, not seeing the point to anything, to all that she'd
achieved and all the things she wanted in her future (like a family),
and which didn't seem to be happening.

I replied:

Yes, as a very young woman, life is generally
about being goal oriented. That’s the way it
is, developmentally. But that tends to change
with life lived and years piling up behind.

Perhaps the perspective of a woman of a
certain age might help you expand your
inner landscape.

From where I sit, I've come to see that my
primary goal is to enjoy when I'm healthy
and to revel in the adventure and beauty
of that day being lived.

Enjoying life has become my primary
goal. I still have lots of "functioning,"
utilitarian goals, but topping the list
of any given day, is loving life.

You see, I spent a lot of the years of
my life being abused, and many more
being depressed. (One of the main
one of those, was at the age of 27,
when I wondered of what use was
my degree, earned magna cum laude,
and of what use was my dysfunctioning
marriage.) I had already accomplished
many goals, and would ultimately
accomplish many more.

Now, having passed fifty, I've come
to see that reaching goals can yield
much in the way of self-esteem and
satisfaction. But the best goal of all
is experiencing joy within our heart
and soul. And the most enduring
joy and satisfaction is not based
on the achievement of goals,
but on the achievement of
connection with our SELF.

See if you can make a connection
with your innermost self. Then
you'll find the point of your life
and you will revel in each new
day.

[IleneW]

This is a potentially very interesting discussion.

Let me see if I can state the position many people take:

Accept people for who they are.
Nobody's perfect.
Don't have a "hair trigger" about negative stuff.
Don't let a bad experience color how you see everybody else.

To paraphrase: Even if you've been hurt, don't close off to
everyone who comes after that bad experience. Keep an
open mind and an open heart.

The part of this argument that I can get behind is to advocate
that we not become bitter after life hurts us. Even if we get
hurt more than once, we will only then hurt our self if we close
our self off completely.

Now ---- here's the other side of the argument:

To ignore our experience, to dismiss lessons
that life has offered us,
to imagine that everyone has a good intent
(hmmmmm. . . . . . )
and to remain oblivious to what our senses tell us. . . . .
to what we see, hear, feel, think and sense. . . . . .
(for the record, there is NO SUCH THING
as being "TOO" sensitive) . . . . . . .

to suggest that we take our experience
which holds valuable information for our
survival and for our happiness,
and then ask us to forget it to ensure
that we don't malign someone who
may be a good, innocent person
or
who may not be. . . . . . .
(we don’t know, yet). . . .

is to tell us to not believe our
eyes, our ears, our intelligence,
our gut
our intuition
our spirit
our place on the
evolutionary tree that represents
tens of thousands of years of
survival and development.


Yesterday, I had lunch with a new guy.
He was cute. He seemed fun.

At one point I shared with him, something about myself.

It was something that runs against a stereotype.

His response to that byte of data which I shared
was to roll his eyes and make facial expressions that
clearly demonstrated his disbelief about the veracity
of what I'd shared with him.

My interaction with this man extends to a couple emails,
two phone calls and maybe an hour face-to-face.

He doesn't know me and I don't know him.

What I DO know about him is that when I
shared something very true and very intimate
about myself
his response
was to make disbelieving faces,
to demonstrate that he
did NOT accept or believe
something I’d just told him about
me that was basic, true and important.

(For the record, there were a couple
other red flags, in addition to this one.)

In general, I enjoyed my lunch with him
And he invited me to contact him again.

I have been hurt in my life. I’ve survived
the hurts. Now, I AM sensitive and I AM
on the alert for red flags.

The part of me that’s interested in
going out with a cute guy, is saying:
Come on. See him again!

The survivor in me is shouting:
Are you KIDDING ME?
He’s TROUBLE.
Been there, DONE THAT.
He openly DISMISSED you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which would be smarter?
Knowing only what I’ve seen from
one one-hour lunch together,
should I see him again
or should I walk away now?
He could be a fabulous guy.
He could be thoroughly dysfunctional.


Should I give him the chance
to show me more?
Should I believe my eyes
and my gut and shut this
down, now?

My basic position is that we will
get the most from our experience
in the world, if we remain open
enough to let some light in
and defended enough to
keep our self safe and
HEALTHY.

That means ----- STAY SENSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Honor your gut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Glad2bfree]

Wow Illene! You are so insightful! Please be careful! I hope it works out well, whichever way you choose!

I am going thru that sort of thing now. the bad thing is, I had red flags(small ones), ignored them and now feel like I have made a mistake. UUUuuuuhhhhhh! Life is certainly not easy!

[IleneW]

Having had a couple days away from the lunch with the red-flag-guy
I decided that even if I just saw him again as "research," it neither
felt good in my gut, nor was a safe thing, not a good self-care choice.


Following up on a different subject:

Today's Dr. Phil show is a re-airing of an episode that aired the
previous season. It's a show that was utterly sickening. The topic
was on the family court failing to protect the most vulnerable ----
abused mothers and their children.

One guest was a mother who'd fought to have supervised
visitation required for her abusive and scary ex to see their son.
She brought with her to court documentation that the father
had said he was going to kill the child, a nine month-old baby boy.
The judge accused the mother of lying. Within a week, the child
had been murdered.

The judge, one Robert Lemkau, had the arrogance of a typical abuser,
to run for reelection for his position. The good news is that the results
of the election, held this past June, was to get him tossed off the bench.
The bad news is that this young mother's story was just one of a dozen
instances of tragic murders reeled off by Dr. McGraw, citing failures in
the family court system.

I weigh my Howls carefully, because i don't want to become an
incessant "cryer" of sadness and negative news, when the fact is
I'm living proof that healing happens.

Healing happens, folks.

Recovery is an option. Progress is possible.

There is life beyond abuse.

Don't give up.

I know there are members of our community who are
battling, out there. I read your posts and I feel the
chord of pain struck by your struggles.

Please don't despair.
Let's join hannds and support each other.

My love to you all.

[Glad2bfree]

Thanks Illene. You are great! I hope you know that.

I feel terrible for being sad over my situation when I hear stories like that of the baby. I feel ashamed because I am in a non-abusive relationship but something feels wrong and I want out. I feel like I am not allowed to want a divorce unless he has been mean to me. I feel trapped. I know he has lied, but is that enough?

[IleneW]

Lying is deceptive.

Lying is disrespectful.

Lying is ABUSE!!!!!!

[IleneW]

Recently I could see the board getting a little busier and a little busier.

When I got in from session just now and found so much activity
all at once, I was so glad. This is such a wonderful community
and seems to be such a "well kept" secret sometimes.

This is "Circle Week" for me. I facilitate six circles in five days.
I love it, but it's a busy time of the month.

I've read all the posts uploaded these past two days, and can't
really respond right now, because I have to get myself out for
the Norwalk circle. But I'll spend time over the weekend,
responding, where I have something to add.

But let me say, regulars and newbies-here . . . . .
you're all AWESOME.

Much love to everyone here.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!