What's your take on this?

[CreativeWoman]

Thank you both SO much for your posts and your ideas--I'll be considering how to handle things, and I plan on talking to my son's therapist on Thursday about what you recommended, Shen.

About taking "radically good care" of myself, Ilene...in my head I KNOW that's what I'm supposed to do, but in reality I think I'm majorly screwing that up lately. When things get THIS bad...I tend to get down on MYSELF and feel like I'm not a good mother anymore. It's something I feel terribly guilty about, actually, and I never really felt guilt about my mothering before the whole marital abuse hit its peak and the divorce wreaked havoc on my kids and me... and it makes me feel really sad and down, too. I'm left too tired to take care of myself. In a way, though, I suppose organizing all my zillion thoughts and journaling them all HERE is the most needed self-care, actually--maybe THIS is exactly what I need? It take a lot of time, but I'm focused and releasing some stress when I type all this stuff up.

I used to be SO PATIENT. So many people--other parents, teachers, doctors, family members--used to be raving, practically in awe at how much patience I had with my kids. USED TO, means not anymore. It's gone! My patience has all been used up! Lately, it seems I'm so stressed out and at the end of my rope almost ALL the time. When there's the need now for literally CONSTANT supervision, by myself, it just gets to be too much for one person to do. I'm often overwhelmed with the near-constant discipline needs...and we all know that discipline has to be extremly consistent, loving, and yet firm. That kind of discipline work it just plain exhausting! When there are majorly increased needs for consistent, loving, firm, WELL THOUGHT OUT discipline, it takes ASTRONOMICAL amounts of patience, determination, and energy...and that all gets depleted faster than I can build it back up again. Then what? I can't keep giving what I don't HAVE any more of...and then the kids test more and more and more, until...I just can't take it anymore and I feel like they're going to drive me nuts.

I think I need a break. The kids will be with their father for 2 1/2 hours this evening, and then again on Wednesday evening, and then for the weekend...I'm really glad they will be with him, because I'm just plain desperate for a break! They see him as a "fun dad," which is fine with me...if they're happy, it works for me for now. I remember the CT Parenting class for divorcing parents, when they talked about he pros and cons of being the custodial parent, vs the con-custodial parent....the non-custodial parent doesn't get to see the kids as much and may feel somewhat disconnected or like he/she is missing out. But they also have more of a chance for employment and social opportunities, and a higher income potential. The custodial parent, however, does get SO much time with the kids that it becomes TOO much, to overwhelming to be "ON" all the time and not get a break, a relief. It's time-consuming and exhausting, and also majorly interferes with employment capabilities and potential for adequate social interaction... They were right, in that parenting class.

I'm definitely stressed and overwhelmed, experience very little meaninful social interaction--which is a major loss for me, personally--and I'm stressed about when and how I'm going to find a job which allows me to also be the parent I need to be for my kids. With my son's special needs, especially, that may be a very difficult challenge....finding childcare I can afford that doesn't kick him out, the time scheduling, etc.

I guess I need to find a way to not get so down on myself. Clearly, my kids themselves (as all kids tend to do) tell me what a "mean mom" I am, challenge and test me CONSTANTLY, and they pick up bad behavior from each other too. They recognize what annoys me and they push buttons on purpose. It grates on me! Sometimes I feel like I must be somewhat of a failure to have failed in my marriage. I get down on myself for that, too. I certainly won't be entering into marriage again, until after a very long time of healing, perhaps. Maybe way down the road, but not anytime soon. Raising my kids leaves me with nothing left for me, so adding a relationship in addition would be nearly impossible. I wouldn't have time, anyway. I feel like I've been cheated out of so many things: raising my kids within an intact healthy family (which I never had, actually, looking back of course), being able to get out and be social, the ability to volunteer time and talents with the American Red Cross, crisis pregnancy centers, animal shelters, etc... I've lost so many things because of that disastrous marriage and the fallout of it all.

Now to add such a difficult parenting situation...sometimes it feels like more than I can realistically handle. I hope I can keep holding out. Honestly, I don't think I'll live a long life. Longevity runs in my family, but I don't think I'll experience it. To be honest, if this is what life IS, I don't WANT to live a really long life. I just need to make it until my kids grow into adults and can be on their own in the world...if I can make it to then I will consider it sucessful. Everybody said that divorce and being a single parent raising the kids would be extremely difficult. I was aware, I knew it. But living it is a different story. I wonder if I'll ever be able to stay depression-free for any significant length of time in my life. I know it's crises like this that trigger depressive feelings and issues, so I guess it shouldn't surprise me that I'm working SO hard right now to fight off depression. It just goes with the situation I'm in, I suppose.

It IS better than living with continual abuse from a spouse day after day "until death do us part," though. I have to say that it's definitely better than being abused by my ex every day. Even healing takes a lot of energy. HEALING requires a LOT of energy!!!!! Lots of resources, lots of nutrients, lots of rest, lots of support...I better figure out a way to take better care of myself.

One thing I know I definitely NEED to take proper care of myself is SUPPORT...and I'm majorly lacking in it. With my parents away for all winter, it will still be MONTHS before I see them again--that's hard, and I miss them a lot. I'd love to be able to invite my parents over to visit, but I can't because they're in Florida and I'm in CT. Many of my friends have parents and in-laws nearby, who are wonderful support with their kids. I don't have that at all. My in-laws (who I used to be very close to) are not a part of my life anymore, and so they wouldn't be available when I need a hand. I don't have any other family even remotely nearby, except my brother an hour away who has 3 kids of his own to take care of...so really no family can help me at all. And my friends (many of whom have husbands who are great as husbands and fathers) are tied up with their own families...it's not like they are available to help with MY kids too. I feel even more lonely when I think about this.

I'm just really, really tired. In over my head right now, I guess. I suppose many single divorced mothers feel the same way. Maybe I should seek out a support group for single parents, or START one within our school district if there isn't one, cause I know there have to be others out there like me...

[CreativeWoman]

Talked to his teacher when I went to pick up my son today. Asked her about his behavior in class today, and she just gave me "the look." It was THAT bad today. He was even sent to the principal's office for not following directions or cooperating during gym class...

His teacher loves him, adores him (thank goodness!) and is committed to working with him. She's wonderful, and I'm very thankful for her. She says she doesn't even know what to do with him in class anymore, with all of his acting-out behaviors. Some of the other kids have been imitating him, too, which makes it even more difficult for her.

I told her that I do know that my son loves her, is really crazy about her. Also, that it means she and I are doing SOMETHING right, if he feels safe enough with her and with me to act out that much. It doesn't help the situation become more pleasant, but at least knowing that he cares about her and clearly feels safe with her...might help her tolerate this very challenging behavior, while we hopefully figure out how to help him deal with all the things that are troubling and hurting him.

Got to keep praying for him. And her, and me too! "Things which are impossible with men are possible with God," as my sig line says...

[IleneW]

Hi C.W. -----

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

It's so fortunate that his teacher is up to the challenge and feels connected to him.

I don't have lots of wisdom around this, except to say that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[CreativeWoman]

Thank you, Ilene. I appreciate your support.

Need to write/journal again today...
It seemed like a relatively good morning for my son, but it all changed when I picked up the kids from school this afternoon. The special ed teacher and the social worker darted over to my car to talk about my son's day at school today. This was the 3rd time over the past week he was sent to the principal's office for his behavior! Apparently he was tormenting the music teacher today.

My son's behavior at school has been completely disrespectful lately, and he's getting himself into all kinds of trouble. They said today that his whole class is having a formal behavioral program made up for them, due to the major disruption my son has brought about within the entire class. A bunch of them are acting out because of what he has been doing! They're also doing an individual formal behavior plan for him, in addition. We're going to have a big meeting within a few days.

Tomorrow morning, I'm picking up photocopies of his teacher's log she's been keeping to detail all his issues lately. Also, I'll be signing a release form so that the school can discuss things with his trauma specialist at Yale. We have an appointment at yale on Thursday, and I spoke with his counselor on the phone today as well, in the meantime.

I just don't know what has gotten into him over the past week! There's a dramatic change, for the much worse...it's very strange what a dramatic change it is, and I'm wondering what on earth is going on with him.

Another concern that is plaguing me is the upcoming issue of finding appropriate after/before school, summer, and school break DAYCARE for my kids. My daughter is not a problem in that regard, but with what my son does at school in ONE DAY ALONE, he would be KICKED OUT of any reasonable daycare. This is a MAJOR PROBLEM, and it's going to seriously impact what I'll be able to do, as far as employment goes. This is a major behavioral disability...what can I possibly do with him so that I can work? The way things are going now, I will not be ABLE work other than when he is in school.

There are just so many things that are coming at me with what's going on. Even if my kids were both "easy," it's still hard work being a parent. Being a single parent is even harder, alone. With the divorce trauma and also the abuse that my kids have been exposed to...the challenges increase immensely. Even if everything was ok with my kids, theoretically, re-entering the nursing field is a pretty stressful thing, at least for me; I'm a little nervous about that. Now I'm even wondering IF I'll be able to work, with his behavioral issues...there's just so much more pressure than I had expected, and it just keeps mounting up higher and higher.

Today, my son's trauma specialist recommended that I remove ALL sharp objects from the house. I already hid all the sharp knives this past fall...now I also need to remove the regular dinner forks as well, and even things like pencils. I'm feeling overwhelmed by this. Not that removing all the sharp objects is overwhelming, but just the reason WHY I need to remove them...I find it very troubling. I'm pretty worried about him. [just had an idea...maybe I'll go to the store and buy a bunch of flimsy plastic forks, and not mention it or make a big deal out of it]

While I was on the phone with her (trauma specialist), I knew my son had decided to hop in the bathtub for a bath. I figured it was a PERFECT time to talk to her privately, as my daughter was even quiet too. Then, after a few minutes of talking with her on the phone about him, I realized that BOTH kids were in the bathroom, and not only that but they were naked and in the bathtub together! ARGH!

I tell you the truth, if I didn't know God and have HIM to trust in...I don't know how I'd get through this whole unending mess. I already know that *I* can't manage all this stuff, it's WAY over MY head. There's been so much disruption, so much dysfunction, so much trauma for my family (the kids and me) that it really would be impossible to manage on my own. The Lord is the one who helps me get up each day and get through all of this, somehow. Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to manage this evening, or tomorrow, or next week...but just knowing that the Lord is ultimately in control and that He is with me in the midst of all this stuff, it's enough to keep me going. I don't know how, yet, but He is going to deliver me (and my family) through this somehow. Just have to keep believing and NEVER give up...it's in His hands, and He knows what to do. He'll show me, in time, in His way.

Please, if anyone here is inclined to pray, would you be willing to pray for me? I really need help, and there's only one place I can be assured of finding it. Please pray for God to give me the necessary supply of patience, peace, wisdom, strength, hope, and joy. I don't have really any of these things left, on my own. Then, when all of this is past, and my family and I are looking back from the perspective of having experienced the necessary healing, all will see that it was the Lord who delivered us.

[IleneW]

CW -----

My most fervent prayers are with you.

[Shen]

I know what it's like to have more going on in your head and heart than you can keep track of.
Hope it gets better soon.

[CreativeWoman]

Something came to mind tonight when I was talking to a friend. I was remembering how I once said to our former marriage counselor (this was WAY before I realized it was actually ABUSE going on, probably a year and a half ago) that "the only time he [then-husband] looked at me like he adored me, loved me, was when we were having sex." At the time I thought that there was actually at least just a TINY bit of adoration/love he had for me, at least during those "intimate" times, but looking back I realize that that look of "adoration" wasn't about me at all, and there WAS no love...it was purely lust instead. I suspected then--and I know now, looking back--that he simply liked the sex! The look of "adoration" was actually only really his enjoyment of what I was doing to him, the pleasure he felt from it...it had nothing to do with me at all, really, and it was not love. It was more of a self-satisfaction, I suppose.

All that wasn't the surprise realization tonight, though, as I have figured out that stuff over time. What I realized tonight, is that I HATE having any man NOW look at me with any kind of attention or attraction...I absolutely HATE when men flirt with me or hit on me. It DISGUSTS me!!!! I hate seeing that "adoration" look on a man's face...it feels ICKY to me now, and turns my stomach. The idea of ever experiencing sex with any other man ever again...seems so DISGUSTING to me. There is SO MUCH hurt relating to what my ex did to me, that I think having another man ever touch me again in that way and look at me in that way would be so ridiculously unpleasant. It feels so icky just to think about it.

So, being that it disgusts me so much having a man look at me with an expression of attraction, or even worse, look at me with a look of "adoration" and HIT ON me...I just realized tonight that I've been subconsciously doing things to prevent that from happening. I have the ability to put on weight extremely easily...my weight goes way up, then I may lose the weight for whatever reason--and start to look darn GOOD again, and then see it come back up again at a later time. I think the excess weight makes me look rather unattractive, which maybe I've been subconsciously using to prevent men from looking at me with attraction? When I've been thinner, the looks from men are unmistakeable...they look. There are still some looks, but not nearly as many when I'm carrying a bit more weight...and it's much more comfortable to be less noticed by men.

But I'm tired of being overweight now. Maybe realizing this connection of why looks from men have been so disgusting to me will enable me to make a more conscious decision to not react to that disgust by maintaining extra weight. Yeah, the weight makes me look less attractive, but at what cost to ME?!!!! And to my kids?!!!!

I may always feel disgusted by the thought of ever having sex with anyone else, and I may dislike the "look of adoration" on a man's face...but being fat is not how I want to handle it anymore.

[CreativeWoman]

I feel like writing about something that's been weighing heavily on my heart lately:

I had been looking forward to the Olympics this year, as I've always enjoyed watching many of the events on TV. Now that my kids are 6 and 7 1/2, I thought they'd also enjoy the Olympics, starting with the Opening ceremony, seeing all the athletes from all over the world uniting for an exciting event.

Last Friday, the 12th, was such a sad day with the tragedy that occured on the luge track. I was deeply saddened to read a notice that a luger, Nodar Kumaritashvili, was killed while training. Such a young man, 21, a KID, really. Forget that he's a luger, an athlete, or someone from Georgia...he was a PERSON, someone's son, someone's brother, etc. There was a small picture of him taken earlier in the day. Just so tragic and sad.

Then later when I checked my email, the Yahoo page had an updated article title about the accident, with a HORRIFYING picture of Nodar Kumaritashvili in mid-air. I was aware of what had happened, and I already felt sad about his death. I didn't CHOOSE to see the picture of his crash underway...I saw the article title and picture show up automatically before I realized what I was looking at. I have not and WILL NOT watch the video of his death. It totally SHOCKED me that the media would even THINK of putting up something so distressing, so disturbing, so DISRESPECTFUL!

Having seen the picture of the millisecond before his death, I felt like I was forced to witness something HORRIBLE that I then had to process... witnessing someone--anyone!--die like that is a terribly distressing experience, and I was forced into that experience against my will. Seeing that picture, alone, distressed me to the point where I then needed to grieve this horrendous tragedy personally...come to grips with the fact that I had just witnessed the tragic death of someone, a person who I didn't even know. To me, that was a very traumatic experience!

I don't deny death, or ignore it and hope it will go away. Death is a part of life, it's a natural thing--like birth...we all are born and we all will die at some point. Death is real, it's common. I can accept that. I can be around death and I am ok. It's sad, it's loss, it's sad to see or BE the people left behind, and it's sad to miss someone who is lost. But death itself, really, is natural, and I'm accepting of that. As a grandaughter, as an RN, and also as a best friend, I've experienced other people's deaths. I've been present throughout the dying process, and I've provided comfort and also dignity for those who were dying. I believe that those who are dying deserve compassion, comfort, dignity, and respect--and the same is true for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one.

I'm disgusted and appalled that the media has been essentially pimping the photos and video of poor Nodar Kumaritashvili's dying moments!!!!! Has the media, has the culture NO sensitivity or RESPECT for this man and his grieving family? They've also thrust these photos and the video on so many people who would never have CHOSEN to invade this man's privacy--I, for one, was put into a position that I did not choose to be, and I feel as if I have been violated by this.

I have a very strong feeling that the media's actions to display this all over the place was terribly wrong and disrespectful. Mostly, did anyone consider his grieving FAMILY, who might be absolutely TRAUMATIZED by witnessing the photos and video of their son's/brother's death if they preferred to NOT witness this? Did the media even THINK of them and respect them in any way?

The Opening ceremony was something I was planning on watching with my kids. I think it was honorable and respectful for the Olympics to hold this in Nodar's memory, and I think that was a good decision. For some reason I don't remember, though, we weren't home and didn't see the program. I'm thankful that we didn't, as I heard later that they had actually broadcast the video of Nodar's dying moments for the entire world to watch. And then, even more dispicably, they showed repeated slow-motion video of his death. Was this graphic video necessary in reporting the tragic story?! Does not simply stating the fact that a young man died tragically speak volumes in itself?! Is this necessary journalism? Sensationalism? Shock value? Or entertainment?!!

I'm upset about the tragedy, but what also saddens me about this is just the way our culture seems to have such little respect for individual people, for human life. EVERY SINGLE person matters. Everyone. Every person deserves the respect of being able to be born and to later die, with dignity, and also to live his/her own life without ABUSE, too. It's all connected, really. When our media, our culture, reduces the tragic death of this young man to a news story, by broadcasting a video of his death...it was so disrespectful to him, to his loved ones, and also to many who did not even know him personally but are now forced to grieve the death that we personally witnessed. It just seems that such little value was attributed to him as a human being who deserved to be treated with dignity. In a somewhat similar sense, so many people are treated with such disrespect as human beings when they are abused...and our culture doesn't seem to have very much concern for, or place much value on each of these human beings. I think our society needs to wake up and recognize that respect, love, compassion and dignity toward self and others is what being human is supposed to be all about.

[I just went back and edited a spelling mistake]

[IleneW]

Technology has been a double-edged sword, from the time primordial humans began using fire.

I'm with you, CW, on the replaying of the video that captured the tragic death of the luge athlete.

Here in Connecticut, in the news today, a man was in court, who had been driving on a street in Hartford. He had been driving with reckless indifference to animal or human life. In doing so, he struck and critically injured, an elderly man, who'd been innocently crossing the street.

A video camera caught the tragedy as it happened.

That horrible video got replayed over and over. It was just on the news again, earlier today.

The man who was struck, lived ----- paralyzed ----- for a year. Then he died.

I did not need to see the horrible video of the virtual end of his life, yet again.

Technology, media, all the things we generally enjoy, can also hurt us. The freedom of the press that so benefits us in the states, can also be hurtful to us. We have to find our own balance, where we can live comfortably ----- not totally cut off but not out there with such fragility that we can't maintain ourselves in the world, moment to moment ----- even when the world insists on tossing around razor blades.

Thank you for sharing your sensitive observation.

[CreativeWoman]

Thank you Ilene, for your response. I'm glad we can all talk with each other about these things!


As for tonight...MY CHILDREN ARE DRIVING ME CRAAAAAAAAAZY!

It's been a tough week. It's Friday night and the kids are finally in bed. I'm just trying to recover from the evening. I had my glass of wine. Two, actually. That is darn good wine! I've decided I like white wine, but not red.

My son was banned from the YMCA for a month (the pool, that is. My call.) because he drew on a wall hand/hair dryer last week with a permanent marker he found in the locker room. I made him tell the girl at the front desk, which he dreaded. I made him apologize and ask how the Y wanted to handle it. They cut him slack, but I didn't. He needs to learn that he can't damage others' property. So I brought my daughter to go swimming there with me this morning, which I made sure he was aware he was missing out on.

While daughter and I were getting dressed in the locker room, she was whining and being a pain in the #$$. Another mother asked her, nicely, "did your mom take you swimming today? Did you tell her thank you for bringing you here to do something special with you? We mothers go way out of our way to do special things for our kids, and I bet your mom would really like you to say 'thank you Mommy!'" Daughter said thank you and stopped whining for a while. Finally. The mother asked me if I have help with the kids, and when I thought about it I felt so alone...no, I don't have help with the kids, really. They do go with their dad for every other weekend and 1 or 2 evenings a week for a couple hours, but it doesn't seem like "help" to me, because they come back home to me so much WORSE! The only people who ever seem to HELP are my parents, but they live in Florida for more than half the year and won't even be back here until June. I so much wish I had more help, some kind of respite from all of this.

This afternoon the kids went with me for several errands as they had an early dismissal for a nonexistent snowstorm. While at one big store, my daughter ran off and disappeared, and after looking for her I found her OUTSIDE of the store, messing with a soda machine on the sidewalk!!!!! When I went back into the store with daughter in hand in order to get my son and leave, he was asking me if he could by a Transformers watch, with the $10 bill he said he found in his pocket...(amazingly, he also "found" a $20 bill in his pocket yesterday as well)...I realized at that point that he DEFINITELY STOLE both of those bills from me, and LIED about it. (I literally have to lock up my purse, wallet, and car keys whenever I'm home because he has taken things from me, and I KNOW it would just be a matter of time before he'd decide to START THE CAR when I wasn't looking--I use a locking tool box with a combination lock) So I put the watch down, took back my $10 bill, and left with the kids immediately. This kind of shit is really getting old.

Daughter never did go to school for afternoon kindergarten...I got nothing done at all, in the way of studying or cleaning, etc. I'm ok with that, but I never got a break from "parent" stuff, and the exhaustion is catching up with me tonight. They were pushing all the "right" (WRONG!) buttons and driving me nuts. It takes SO MUCH energy to deal with them properly, and I just had NONE of the necessary energy left tonight. (How long can I really keep producing and using up this incredible amount of energy?!!!!!)

Had a meeting yesterday that I had requested, with the school principal, the special ed teacher, the town special ed coordinator, and the school psychologist. It was pretty intense, and I'm still kind of trying to process everything. Apparently a few of the other kids in his class had their parents come in to talk to his teacher about my son--his behavior at school is upsetting some of the other kids that they told their parents they don't want to go to school anymore. It's so sad...I feel sad for these kids, I feel angry with my son--as well as extremely SAD for him, as he's messing up his schooling as well as his social development and opportunities--and I'm overwhelmed sometimes wondering what I can do to HELP and to REACH this child. I'm so worried about him!!!!! I try with 100%, EVERYTHING I have, to parent this child to the best of my abilities...what else can I do?!!! We're going to try frequent breaks, an additional snack in the afternoon, even switching classes for 2 weeks at the principal's recommendation.

Son's trauma specialist has recommended I get him thoroughly assessed for Autism, to see if it's Asperger's. Along with his severe ADHD...Asperger's. It certainly explains a lot of things and why nothing has seemed to work very well thus far. It explains why he's so incredibly, unbelievably difficult to manage... I read up on some info about Asperger's, as well as co-morbid Asperger's and ADHD...it is so clearly, obviously him. It's no wonder why I'm often at wit's end with my child...it certainly would explain a lot about why I'm so exasperated, so exhausted, and often feeling like it's difficult to have hope. Sometimes I feel like I can barely COPE at all.

I expected that by this time in 2010, I'd have passed my nursing boards (again) and would be back into an RN career, to support myself and the kids. I've had to postpone the test due to no time to devote to studying for it, and an incredible amount of distraction and other things to deal with...but I'm going to sit for it in mid-March, no matter what. I'm sick of the boards hanging over my head.

Once I pass the boards, though, I honestly don't see how I could POSSIBLY add working to all of this. How? When? With all of my son's issues, I don't have the time or energy to devote to working as a nurse. I'd need child-care for my kids in order to have a job, but my son would quite clearly be expelled from any day care within one week, perhaps one day. Then I'd lose the job? That would set me back further. The only thing I could possibly consider would be a set-hours position of doing in-home care for a patient in his/her house, during school hours, several days a week. So, that's a chance, at least, that maybe a company would hire me to work only between the hours of 9 and 3, Monday-Friday, with NO weekend/evening/holiday/vacation hours...but it's pretty unlikely. Not impossible, though.

So I guess I'm pretty run-down and discouraged tonight. Maybe I'll just hop into bed now, and give up on trying to get anything done for today. Kids are safe, warm, asleep in bed...and I'm still hanging on. Guess that will have to mean "success" nowadays.