What's your take on this?

[IleneW]

Oh, my friend.

My heart breaks to read your words.

This isn't my field of greatest knowledge.

All I can say is to hang on, take care of yourself and your children
and have faith that you and your babies will emerge from this,
ten years from now, having found a healthy center.

You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.

[CreativeWoman]

Hi everyone,

Wow, it's been a while since I've written--been so incredibly busy lately.

I moved today. The furniture is all at my new place, and it was an exhausting day though I wasn't even the one moving furniture! I'm wiped out...

Funny thing was my landlord next-door to my "old" house dropped by this afternoon and acted surprised to see me moving...he said, "You're moving? You're leaving this soon? You didn't tell me you were leaving." (He told me several weeks ago that he sold my house and I had to move...but he's surprised I'm moving? I thought it was funny...

I haven't done the address change, or any of the utilities yet. I'm currently at my "old" house tonight, to pick up some things, so I did keep the computer on here in order to use it during the week when I'm up here getting the remaining stuff and cleaning up. Glad I left it here! Guess I better do the mail change, the trash pickup, phone, cable?, internet, etc. Moving is such a hassle.

Anyway, just checking in here at the site. I won't have email handy for a few days, but will be here for a bit most days this week.

I hope you all have a good week!

[CreativeWoman]

I'm losing steam I guess. I'm really struggling lately, just to hold on and cope with the hell that is my life lately.

The daily unrelenting shit I live with is just taking such a toll on me that the thought I keep thinking to myself when I think of whether or not I should even bother spending the energy trying to do something is, "What's the point?" Everything I do, I'm giving it my all. I'm doing my best, I'm trying the hardest I possibly can. So it's not like I can TRY harder...I'm coming to the understanding that my best just isn't good enough. I've been determined for so long to NEVER say that, because I've always wanted to not believe that my ex-husband was right when he used to tell me that...but after giving it my all for so long and actually apparently going BACKWARDS, I have to just give up and admit I guess he was right.

Honestly, I really believe that if I can't do all this shit than NO ONE ELSE could do it all either. And to be honest, I'm tired of trying so hard.

I suppose I understate things here when I write about how bad things with my son are. I'm not exaggerating when I talk about what is going on with my son--most people I see in person have no idea what goes on in my life (even if I tell them) until they actually see my son in action with his tantrums and behavior and see what he does to me and his sister. Even friends who know me well and know I'm honest are shocked and appalled to see how things are when he explodes and is violent and raging at me. Just this morning, a friend saw a relatively minor outburst and she said "my goodness--how do you HANDLE all this? I'd go crazy if I had to deal with this for even a day!"

Usually when I mention to my psychiatrist something he's recently done, she is amazed and says "wow, you are staying so CALM talking about all of this." What choice do I really have? I'm not going to start screaming and yelling and go into panic-mode talking about it--what would that do? I'd still have to HANDLE it, so why not make a point to stay as calm about it so I keep as level-headed as possible to react/act in an instant whenever my son explodes next? In any case, I've had a lot of time to GET USED TO IT, as it's been such a major part of my life for so long now anyway... I'm just getting to the point where I'm really SICK of living this way, and I'm losing the steam to keep trudging ahead...

My son had his second suspension from school last Friday, the 14th of May. He's in second grade, and he was suspended for threatening violence against a fellow second-grader at recess. They kept him in the office all day for an in-school suspension. I don't think he even cared in the least. This past week I had to call the CT 2-1-1 number TWICE for the EMPS (emergency mobile psychiatric service) in response to his volatile outbursts and threats toward me, and actual physical violence! (hitting, biting, punching, pinching, head-butting me)..it's still escalating, and it's not only upsetting me but also is scaring my 6-year-old daughter. He threatens and hurts her as well.

Just yesterday I got a phone call from the school nurse that he had pooped in his pants at school...I had to pick him up 1 1/2 hours early to take him home to bathe. The kid STILL refuses to poop in the potty, which in MY EYES is a MAJOR issue--but try as we may, following the advice of psychologists, pediatricians, GI specialists, trauma counselors, etc...you can't MAKE another person poop in a potty who all-out REFUSES to do it--so on it goes.

(Technically, he still doesn't meet the potty-training criteria to enter 3-year-old Nursery School, and he'll be 8 next month. I had to just HOPE he'd be able to not have accidents at school and SEND HIM ANYWAY to nursery school when he was 3. Then 4-year-old nursery school, then kindergarten, then first grade, and now second grade... Imagine if I'd held him out of school until he was able/WILLING to be fully toilet-trained??? As a parent, it's extremely frustrating, to say the least!)

Last night I noticed $13 cash was missing from my purse. I checked his room to see for sure if he stole it, and sure enough it was there. And the "discman" cd player of mine that he had asked for and was told no about, too. I was so disappointed when I realized that he had stolen from me again, it was pretty upsetting.

As a consequence I did something drastic--while he was sleeping, I removed EVERYTHING of his from his room except his bed, clothes, and books. I let him keep his security thing--his teddy bear--too. I packed everything up (including his curtains, his wall pictures, his shelves off the wall, his lamps, etc) and he will have to work hard and have cooperative respectful behavior in order to earn each thing back, one by one. I wrote a note saying "you KNOW that it is WRONG to steal. You NEVER steal from you mother." and hung it up on his bare wall to be found this morning. It was a lot of work, but I was hoping it would get through to him. So far it seems like he doesn't really even care! UGH!

Nearly every day he talks about how much he hates me and mentions that he wants to kill me. He threatens me with death fairly regularly. He has also started talking about what he wants to do with a knife to my girl cat who is scared of him due to his scary behavior...I tell him that that is unacceptable talk and I don't let him get a rise out of me, but it scares me what he might try to do. Today he was taking great interest in a friend's outdoor citronella candle, and I interceded when I saw him start to actually play with it. Later on he was caught spraying flammable insect repellent on the candle flame, thrilled at how the flame "poufed" when he sprayed it. I know these are significant warning signs for delinquent behavior, and I'm seriously concerned about these things.

I'm wondering if there's anything more I can really do with this child. He adores and practically worships his dad...maybe I should allow him to live with his father instead? It goes against everything I believe is best for him, but if he WANTS to live with his dad (I'd imagine he does want that--his dad lets him eat lots of candy, ice cream, and other junk, and play video games a lot, the kids both tell me. From what I've seen I think that's probably quite true, actually.) I have practically NO quality of life anymore due to my son's behavior issues, and I'm noticing more and more that my daughter is suffering from all of it too. I'd feel like I was sacrificing one child to save at least ONE of my children, but maybe that ultimately IS the lesser of two evils... If my son worships his dad and would want to live with his father why not let him, so that at least my daughter has the chance to grow up in a happy, peaceful home? I just don't know if I could live with that... But on the other hand how much is possible, and how much is ENOUGH? What more can I DO?

After all this prolonged unrelenting stress, I'm getting totally burned out. I can feel myself plunging into depression again. I've been through several episodes in my adult life of major depression, and I can feel myself sliding in that direction. I don't want to ever go there again, but I just don't have the strength anymore to keep myself out of it. Clearly I should talk to someone about it, but I find myself wondering "what the hell is the f-ing point?" My life nowadays is what it is. It is what it is, and no one can change it--this is what IS my life nowadays! What's the point of talking to someone about it? "Feeling better" about the hell my life is won't change what it IS. It will still be pretty awful, so what is the point? I don't see any point in it.

[IleneW]

Oh, my gosh ---- CW.

Oh my God.

I don't know what to say to you, except that I'm so so sorry for what you're going through.

I know that you have a world-class team of child-behavioral clinicians. Too often, our
"experts" are only struggling to find an answer, same as the rest of us. So, I have no
illusions that having a world-class team guarantees success.

Here's what I'll settle on, to say:

My gut says that allowing your son to live with his father won't be good for him but might
provide some saftety and quality of life for your little girl and you. I hate the idea of his
being with his father as a custodial parent, but ----- well ----- the alternative is endangering
two innocent females. It's a terrible choice to have to make.

Please know you'll be on my mind all the time. I hope you'll stay connected here.

Love to you.

[sunshine]

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. This is my biggest fear with my son. He worships his father and he has so much anger towards me.

Why do these little boys have so much anger towards us??????

[IleneW]

They model the closest man in their life.

In their mind, whatever that man does is what a man is supposed to do.

So ---- when that man is abusive to their mother ---- in their mind ----- that's what they're supposed to do.

[CreativeWoman]

I'm totally seeing that exact situation with my son. It's so sad--it's screwing up his life terribly, and the cause of it is so clear and so simple...this is the most tragic effect of my ex's abuse on my family.

With the abuse, well, it nearly killed me and my will to live. But I'm an adult...I can understand now (as much as anyone COULD understand abuse, anyway) what it is and do the lifelong work of healing and rebuilding that in me which was torn down.

My son, on the other hand...this family dysfunction is all he ever SAW/sees, and apparently in his mind that's the way life IS. My son essentially worships his dad, and (aside from brief moments of seeming affection--mainly when he's getting his own way and feels like he has all the things he wants) deeply hates me.

At the trauma center yesterday, the parent counselor and the clinical supervisor and I were discussing some things, and they say that he seems to have a hatred of and deep disrespect toward women, in general.

When he's rude and disrespectful, it's toward a woman. When he is enraged and violently lashing out, it's toward a woman--me, specifically. When he threatens physical violence or assaults someone, it's always a female--the girls he is in school with, or his sister. Basically, my son has a deep disrespect toward women, and he most certainly did not learn that from me.

While in Home Depot with me yesterday, my daughter (age 6) casually mentioned, "Grandpa F. yells a lot." I already knew that, but casually answered, "oh, he does?" She responded, "yeah. But not at kids." I answered "who does he yell at?" She said, "I forgot." Eventually she told me that he yells at Grandma F. She quickly added, "But don't TELL them I said that." I assured her I would not tell them she told me that, and I also said I'm glad she felt she could talk to me and that she can talk to me about anything she wanted to. I'm not sure if she didn't want me to tell them that because she didn't want me to check it out its validity (I don't actually trust what her grandparents or anyone else says anyway, though, to be honest) OR if she feared what might happen or what they may say if she told someone.

We casually talked about it a bit, and she is well aware that her dad's father yells at and talks disrespectfully toward her grandmother. She has heard it, and she noticed it--the kid is VERY perceptive, has always been. She and I talked about how that kind of behavior is NOT ok, and that it's wrong. She is aware that her father treated ME, her mother, in that same kind of way in which HE was brought up, and that it was WRONG for him to treat ME that way, as well. I know she knows that that was why I'm divorced from him, she's extremely perceptive. I've kept info regarding the divorce away from my kids, but kids are incredibly perceptive and figure a lot of it--especially the obvious stuff like "Daddy treated Mommy like crap, and that's why Mommy left" out for themselves. The school counselors told me ahead of time that they would figure out a lot of it, and they were absolutely right about it. Kids are a lot more perceptive than we realize.

In the same vein, kids are certainly perceptive, they are also so VERY impressionable to model the behavior/attitudes that they see in their parent. I think it's fairly evident where this attitude toward women came from in my son.

I hope he can be helped, be healed from what he has been exposed to and he now lives out.

[CreativeWoman]

Need to journal a little bit tonight. I feel like crying but the tears don't come out, so writing will release what needs to flow...

My kids finish 2nd grade and kindergarten next week. In a way I'm happy for them and excited, and I'm excited for my daughter that she'll be in all-day first grade this fall...but I feel SO SAD that the time of lots of "mother and daughter" time is coming to a close. I feel like I"m losing something special, something I treasured but went by way too fast. And I feel so sad that so much of that time of her and me together was full of the distractions that I had to deal with--rather than having lots of quality one-on-one time with her...going swimming, going on walks together, playing at the park on schoolday mornings...I had to use so much of that time just trying to run a household myself that I shouldn't've had to be doing alone in the first place, fending off stupid "parenting" foolishness of my ex-husband, dealing with the after-affects of the rampages by my emotionally-troubled son, etc. I feel like I've squandered so much of our time together!

I've been the mother of 2 young children for a long time now. And for my whole life before becoming a mother, I had dreamt of having children of my own and being a great mother to them! For the last several years (essentially that long) I've been a single parent of the 2 young kids. That period of their lives is special time, time that you don't get back... it's coming to a close, and I feel a sense of loss.

My daughter has her kindergarten end-of-year/graduation program tomorrow. My "baby" is graduating kindergarten!!!! I'm going to miss being able to spend the 1/2 days of just her and me, alone, because they're now over. I feel happy she's growing and moving on in her life, but I feel sad that that special chapter is coming to a close. And I have regrets, feeling like there's more I would've loved to do, would've wanted to do, if I had the chance and didn't have the other CRAP in my life I had to deal with at the expense of quality time with my child.

I want to enjoy and smile and laugh during their kindergarten program tomorrow. I want to watch proudly and be happy with my daughter and be excited with her about her new chapter and her growing up a little more. These are all good things. But I just can't help feeling this feeling of "wait! I'm not done yet! There's still so much more that I had hoped to do but haven't been able to get to with her yet, due to all these other circumstances! Wait! I want more time!"

I better bring tissues to the program. I think I'm going to need them. I wonder how many other parents are feeling the same way about this? This really is an awful feeling. I hope I can find the strength to smile for and with her tomorrow.

[CreativeWoman]

Need to just get this out, even if just for myself...

I'm feeling blue today. Just "blah." Nothing interests me, nothing seems fun, nothing seems remotely worthwhile.

I'm just going to get up tomorrow to the same crap that is going on today...it's the same damn thing day after day after day, and I'm just so tired of it. What's the damn point?

My life is totally on-hold because of my kids and their needs for me as their parent...it's not like I loved nursing and really WANT to do THAT specifically, but I want to have employment and be in the positive with cashflow, rather than dwindling down my retirement savings and the kids' college money just to be home with them. I can't work right now, because of the special needs of my son. And that wouldn't even be a problem if I was in the stable, happy, loving marriage that I *thought* I was entering into when I married my ex. These are the kinds of things that are not issues when families work together like a functional family is supposed to. Maybe I'm "supposed to be" or "expected to be" over this kind of stuff by now...but I'm NOT. This crappy situation is my life likely for YEARS to come, and I didn't ever want this kind of life for my kids and me.

I go on CT's "Husky A" health insurance next month, aka "medicaid." Apparently I've qualified for completely FREE health insurance and health care over the past year and a half---could've used that $800+ per month I've paid for insurance and medication co-pays all this time, but better late than never. I just feel like my life is going backwards--I used to be financially secure, relatively, a homeowner, a stay home mom...this now isn't the way I ever wanted my life to be. I have an education, I CAN work, I CAN support myself, but because of this situation I was forced into, THIS all is my life now instead, and I have to be the one to sacrifice my own finances, employment, relationship possibilities now. It just seems SO unfair. I'm f*cking emotionally damaged/injured from the abuse I lived with for so long--carrying damage scars and LOTS of baggage, including 2 kids who were also hurt by the long-time abuse we all endured. I'm financially stagnant, stagnant in employability, too overburdened with life responsibilities to even *think* about a dating relationship--and besides, who wants an emotionally abused/damaged woman who's unemployed and dependent on government support?

I guess it's no wonder I feel blue today. And mad. This morning my son was banging on my locked bedroom door (I lock it while I sleep, for my safety and to prevent him from stealing things from my room) and kicked a big HOLE right into it. I'm renting this house, and already we're racking up damages... What the hell can I DO? It was a shitty start to the day, and I'm in a funk. I hate the way my life is going nowadays.

It's better than abuse every day, overall, but I'm not sure how "good" it really IS.

About the previous post, I did use a few tissues at the kindergarten event yesterday, but made it through fairly ok.

[IleneW]

CW -----

You are dealing with so much, and you're doing it
with such grace and tenacity.

I wish there was more that I could give you, other
than these words of love and support.

Please know that I'm here for you, as at least, a
listener, if nothing else.

I know the situation you left. I understand that
there are probably moments when your having
left doesn't seem like an improvement. I hope
that most of the time, you're feeling better for
not living under the same roof with a blazing
narcissistic abuser.

Anyway, my love to you, today and always.

Ilene