Gifts to Self

[LOVEWHO.U.R]

March 17, 2009

Gifts to self:

Stay away from abuse.

Gifts to self

Shattering bad habits

Gifts to self

Exit plans and actions

[IleneW]

BEAUTIFUL!!!!

[LOVEWHO.U.R]

I made the appointment with the lawyer for 3:00 tomoorow!
I cried right after and called my mom.
She can't help me finacially but I did ask her to call and check on me in a couple of days.
My head is going through justifications...and the tears they are about wanting the things that are impossible to have with an abusive man. My tears represent the years of giving and the lifer in me who wants a good marriage. But my marriage has not been good it is has not gotten better only worse. As I talked I reflected on the things I tried to do to stop the rages that did not work. The things I thought that would prevent the next attack or rage. That did not stop the next time from happening. She said I needed to be strong and just continue what I am doing. She hopes my life will get better.

I am scared!

I swear this is so dang hard to do...

I just can't take it anymore.

[Glad2bfree]

LWUR,

I think you and I are alot alike. I still cry for the marriage that I wanted--even though I am married to a wonderful giving, caring, loving man now. As girls, we all dream of our Prince Charming. No one grows up wanting to get divorced.

My thoughts are with you. It is hard and it is not fair. It is what it is. It is ours to deal with. I truly believe there is a reason for it. I would not be in the wonderful relationship I am in now if I had first not gone through hell.

It is hard, but you can do it. YOU CAN!! YOU WILL! And you will be great.

HUGS to you!

[LOVEWHO.U.R]

Yesterday I worked on some of the paper work I need to gather together for my next appointment with the lawyer. I have been crying a lot. I felt better after doing some of it and plan on doing more today. Deadlines don't seem to move me like they used to. I wrote out a letter of advice to myself that Ilene had sugested to me, this morning. I think it has helped a little bit. I also have been reading here again...catching up on everyone's postings. I find the goal I set of getting away from abuse....a constant reminder I keep using it to keep me in the right direction. And that reminding myself that abuser's don't change...they just change the way they manipulate.

I read a article that came to my email...funny it was on internalizing what the experts are teaching....so it was right on target with all my feelings and work here. To own the experts take on pathology of an abuser....and see it as my own ..There are ways I do this now though I still falter in some respects.

I made a list of the most important things to do....thanks to Ilene's talk over the weekend.

I hurt my back working outside in the yard this last week so I have been resting alot...no choice my back is hurting to just sit or even lay down or walk, etc. Its driving me nuts as I have spring fever and want to work in the garden. Today Is the first day I haven't taken a motrin. So far so good. Just doing light stuff as I went back out the other day it felt like this and paid with more pain at night and the next day. I think it may finally be healing again...the muscle swelling is down.

It seems working on these next steps are hard...yet I am doing it...just not as fast as I would like to be.

I read another article on emotional detaching....that made sense of were I am today.

Work in progress...Gifts to myself!

[CreativeWoman]

I'm sorry that you're feeling the pain you're experiencing now--I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I can relate to that sadness, grieving over what "should have" been in the marriage, and what we missed out on with our abusive husbands...what we never could have had anyway. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and taking action. Most people really don't understand the kind of thing you're going through--it's so good to have this forum and wonderful group of people who DO understand, and to have the support that is so crucial at times like this.

Keep strong, do your paperwork, cry when you need to...you know it's all part of your healing process. All the abuse caused so much pain, and when you're in it you have to just survive...hold it in and just cope...now you are moving beyond it and are thinking of all the changes that will be taking place, grieving over what never could have been. It IS really sad, and it's really hard; there's no way around it, unfortunately, just THROUGH it.

Try not to let yourself get too scared, or let the fear overwhelm you--you WILL get through this, and it will be so much better once you're through it. It's WORTH it, believe me. I'm still a little scared too, but my life is already so much better at this point. I've been divorced for one week, now, lol! Hang in there, pray, stay strong, and hold onto your hope...it WILL get better!

[Shen]

I haven't been commenting on this, but I've been reading it. I don't feel qualified to respond, really, because this is outside of my own experience, but I'm sorry you are going through this and dealing with so much pain.

I'm here to support you in any way I can.

[LOVEWHO.U.R]

Hi Everyone,

Well I just finished doing hours of paper work. I put a huge dent into this task.
Still have quite a bit to do. I found out papers have been moved so I can not make copies of certain things that they ask for.Even the monthly household bills are no where to be found. I know the lawyer said the more I can get the better but I can only do what I can do. Certain things are locked in a safe.He said they will sepena papers if necassary.
Oh brother this is really hard. Last time I had the ability to get at everything. So now I will have to dig up the old work I hid them away somewhere with my journals of abuse and see if I made copies already of certain documents. Though they will be out of date....its the best I can do. I was surprised I did not cry....last time I cried and cried and cried as I did this. Though my eyes already tired from crying the passed few days. I just feel shaky and scared at the moment.

All of this really sucks!

Thank you all for your comments and support.

[LOVEWHO.U.R]

Well, I still have not gotten back to finish the paperwork yet.
I am feeling so many feelings. I am mad at myself when I get to the heart of the matter.
How could I be living in this.....I ask myself! Be there for someone who has done these things to me. It is hard to get me...to the next step and step...without falling apart. Its hard to see any future that may exist beyond all of this to help me be motivated. So much to do and yet I just want to just be with something of pure essential goodness...like gardening and cooking and just the simple things that bring me away from the restlessness of this abuse and the feelings I feel.
I just keep plugging in...I have to...I must....and in this hoping the next step will just come a little easier. Its funny at times I feel so peaceful...and I really sometimes wonder how this could even be at a time like this.....but I am glad for it when I am that. Today there is no one here except for my youngest son and it is peaceful....just can hear the birds sing as I sit here and write this. I give myself the mental list to do...today. I hope to find the old papers and do some spring cleaning too.

[IleneW]

Boy, I am so there with youi!!!!!!!