LOVEWHO.U.RI am doing a little better this week....but last week was horrible.
Working towards accepting loss and feeling the loss that already exists within all of this abuse and relationships of my children.
brightest points...friends and family helping me with their words and actions. Two friends helped me get to Monday financially and my cousin gifted me enough to pay some bills. Then my husband actually met me at the bank and gave me half of last years tax relief he had been withholding from me for a year. It had 4 days to expiration left. So I feel able to make it to December 8th's court date.
My second eldest son and I have finally talked and he is going to help me with a positive letter about my duties with his brother. He and I discussed openly our feelings and it just felt good to have this time and clear the air. He said he felt he had to self-protect himself as far as negative statements but I did ask him to consider it as it was really something that would help me out of he said she said. But at least I know how he feels and shared mine with him too. He was very honest and that makes me proud of him and who he is.
My son is competing for surf this weekend
and won first place last week in his first heat and second in the third heat for a spot on the team! That was the best news and both of us have been in good spirits about his accomplishing it. He shined so brightly and really had a great surf that day! I am so proud of him and all of his practise and determination to get a spot for this upcoming Competition. I also have two character references in hand right now.
(Awaiting two others...) Thankfully others responded with concern and support to show I am the one who takes care of Devin's schedule for school and surf and that i am home and not living outside of this place. I can hardly believe I am having to dispute my living here. It is really outrageous his lies. I just keep praying I have the strength to be clear in my responses because it is so hard to respond to such an outlandish lie as that. It's also funny because of my caring for him during all his cancer also testifies to my being here and the only times I was not is when I was at the hospital with him. This so hard...getting detached from an abuser. Ugly divorces are made by abusers. Yesterday I turned in the huge report work refuting his lies, fabrications and exagerations...Thank God it took 7 hours or so to proof read it and was exhausting. I am working on the mediators report today and tomorrow. And just received another one (report) in the mail my husband turned in recently I guess. I have to update my financial report also. Hopefully I will run while he is surfing to make necessary copies for that. I just feel so strange as I go through this process and sometimes better and then so many tears...as well come in accepting the loss and also accepting who my husband really is...and abuser who continues his abuse through the courts. I can't even get to what really needs to be discussed as far as real financial disconnection here. Instead its all the abusers lies about me and his conesting it all to drag us all through this ugly divorce until something changes that within this process of court...and judges. I pray I have a judge who will stop some of this...crap from being done again.
I talked to his sister and she told me about her ugly divorce with her x, who is my husbands lawyer...he actually beat up a man she dated and put him in the hospital and only had his attorney priveledges suspended for a year on conspiracy. He turned their son into a jail bird also...and she told me tons of horrific stories of how he used the courts until a judge slammed him down for good. She goes if only that judge was there in the beginning. It really floors me that two abusers are now together...in my case. But that is I guess is to be expected....
So far its all like the experts have said....no doubts flash through me about my decision to divorce him. As I see the truth now ever more clearly. Abuser's make ugly divorces and do not care for their children during the marriage or after and I am not in denial about it anymore. No more benefit of the doubt or excuses. He is acting sick all the time now within the court papers. Even though he is gone working these past two months from 8:00 to 6:00-8:00pm. Says he only works 15 hours a week on light duty yet is here sawing tree limbs on his off times recently and working as if nothing is wrong at all. Our son who worked with him told his brothers he works just like he always has at work and he gets away with coming in hung over...that his dad just wants his company...that he himself barely works...how bizarre is that....because I have no idea really. I wish I could take pictures of it I guess....I really just want to get him out of here and to our rental property residence. And if any of our sons want to go let them go too. I sure hope that happens...as I am asking for that this on the 8th. I overheard a conversation with his doctor in LA and she told him to go here and that he was not to come there. So I am not sure if he is lying now on this new paperwork he supplied about his medical life. I guess I will have to call them now too.
Today we are going to surf practice and he has work at 6:30 also so I will be busy traveling with him and pick up a 10:00.
I wish somebody would take the time to respond to me here...the ghost town has been going on a long time now for me
no surprise 
.....ah well....Peace, Love and Joy,
Love who ur
I feel so devastated that I don't even know if anything I have ever done each day makes the significant impact it should in life.